Journey

Paraphrased notes:

• We can list all the ways we can “fix them” but that’s “other person awareness”.  
• Go find ‘your’ pain, nurture it and learn from it – take responsibility for seeking to understand yourself.

What this just brought up for me as I was observing how far I’ve come and if there are any lessons I still need to learn is my own experience with having the unresolved wounds and feeling of insignificance.

First I’m pondering one of the biggest lessons I got, and how I felt throughout the rollercoaster ride that led to my dark-night. 

I was confident, happy, feeling unconditional love for the world. I had just achieved a miracle – a second chance at life. I had my health and strength and vitality back and felt the best that I had felt in my life. I had figured out “how to be happy” finally after a lifetime of depression & illness. I saw my new mission as sharing the joy and hoping to “spread” the message of love with all that I came in contact with. I saw those who were in pain and I wanted them to “have a bottle” of my happiness, to feel what I feel, to see through my eyes how wonderful this world is. I wanted to re-ignite their candles within. I had finally found my happy place and was feeling confident enough to share it with others, to help others get to their happy place. 

I met a guy who was going through a lot of stress & confusion, and I felt his pain and wanted him to see his worth, his potential, to not take life so seriously, to accept what he cannot change and “step into” what he can. Previous night I had called out to the universe that I wanted the truth about life, and I surrendered to life, to seeing everything as here to help me, that we experience the world / create the world as we believe it and I decided I was going to believe the best about the world, as all of us as souls-having a human experience, I felt the one-ness and I trusted life. I’d had many mystical experiences and miracles over the past few months, and I felt encouraged, supported, loved by life, and truly alive – that I knew something the world needed to know. The next day after this “call out to the universe”, me and a guy had a sudden, unexpected, and instant magnetic attraction. At first it was a happy encounter but after we started talking more deeply, I saw his pain & potential and I was the “cure” for that pain.  I saw his inner-light and wanted him to see it too.  (uh oh – rescuer mentality..).

Little did I realize that this short-term connection was to destroy my faith in humanity, turn all my beliefs about trusting the universe (and myself/my own intuition) upside down and be the catalyst for a 3-year dark-night-of-the-soul journey that I’m still on –
where I made every part of me ‘wrong’ and a quest to figure out why I didn’t see it coming, why I was so delusional about life, and why I had destroyed everything good about my life. A complete loss of self-esteem and trust. An empty shell – unable to leave the house, and if I did (for work), it was the most horrendous experience everytime, a battle within of “I can’t do this – but I need money to live”.

It was my first encounter with someone with a negative-agenda after I was “some-what” enlightened. After I had “done the work” and became happy, and trusted life. It brought to the surface every part of me that was “not there”, every fear, every shadow-aspect of me, every trauma, every “negative” aspect of me came up to be dealt with. Especially after I saw my role in it – that wrongness of me for “not seeing it – for going against my own integrity to be what I thought he wanted me to be – to help him – the humiliation of what I had done and the shame of being so naive. Silently. Without anyone knowing what I was “really” going through (I couldn’t voice most of the stuff that came up or what I saw – because a lot of it was mysterious “signs from the universe” that I had to keep secret from mainstream – eventually at some stage throughout I had to convince myself that all the mystery was a psychotic episode & that it was all in my head… as well as inside I knew that noone would see it from my way because … most people do see others as ‘bad’ and know the red flags and I really thought that people would be all smug and like “why did you do that – if he was like that – don’t you have self-respect?”… I was so embarrassed that my wanting to ‘trust the universe and help his soul.. was the world I wanted to live in and that I thought it was possible if I really believed it.. that we could all have this unconditional love experience – we could all have this confidence and trust and create a better world because we are ‘being it’, ‘living it’, seeing the best in others instead of the worst).

The humiliation, shame, guilt and “wrongness of me” as I went through this. Far out. I can’t even describe it. Self loathing. The anguish and torture within as I tried to “continue to go to work as normal” and function in society. As I tried to “work on myself” for whatever “I” did to cause this situation to manifest. 

I was a beacon of truth and suddenly I had to put a zip on my mouth and suppress myself – after finally reaching a place of “speak your truth”, I had to shut myself down again – in order to not destroy another human being because I was still convinced that we are souls having a human experience and that ultimately none of this human stuff is going to matter in the end, we are here for the lessons and growth. I wanted to stay in my dreamworld and I didn’t want to go back to that dark reality that I had before I had “found my bliss”. 

My mind went cross-eyed as I tried to discover – why, why, why this was happening. Why now when I finally “got” life? Why now – when I was about to embark on this journey of happiness and spread it everywhere? lol.. Why now when I had ‘finally figured it out?”.. Why was I now facing the opposite of my beliefs.. what was life trying to teach me that I didn’t get… back to victimhood once more…

• Was I really targeted? or is that just being paranoid?
• If I’m trusting of the universe, and guided there.. felt the connection, felt that he needed my help… why would it turn out this way?
• Why I couldn’t see that such a kind-hearted soul (how I saw him – a wounded-child) would seek me out to destroy me – to humiliate me, to enhance his own ego with his friends, to belittle & make fun of me?
• Why he couldn’t see the inner-light I saw, and why he didn’t see it in me or what would compel him to want to hurt me or anyone in that way, wow I couldn’t see it cos I didn’t see anyone as having that in them at the time – let alone a friend – and did he know what he was doing or was it all because he didn’t know better, that he was immature and didn’t see the harm in it?
• Or was it that I couldn’t see it because people only see what validates their own truth?

And I kept thinking at the time… well I have no regrets, I’m confident and happy.. I knew that I was doing “the right thing” at a soul-level (for my soul-family), and I have nothing to be ashamed about – even if they don’t understand the level of perception I was at, I knew my heart was coming from a good place, and I just wanted to share my world-view (my newfound enlightenment) with him and thought maybe his own low-self-worth wouldn’t accept where my soul was coming from because he was living in a different world than the rose-coloured lenses I had found. I didn’t see any narcissist characteristics.. I didn’t even know he was like that – I only saw the innocence within, even with all the dark stuff he was mentioning.. I only saw those as wounds, as – “what he must’ve gone through or believed about himself to have such a hateful-view of himself”.. how can I make him feel confident and see himself as I see him? How can I show him that he is so much more than the things he has done in the past? That he is amazing. That we’re all amazing. This life, this experience – doesn’t have to be so dark.

So much shadow-work I have had to do with this. I thought I was going crazy, I think I had my Kundalini awakening in the middle of it (at least – the same symptoms), I thought I must be having a psychotic breakdown, mental trauma, depression, and deep, deep stuff, and all the conspiracy stuff that I was into in the middle added demons, negative entities, evil and other realms and “government meddling” into all of it. It was just a crazy fucking period that I didn’t understand and this post is about the.. I guess “mostly-mainstream” stuff that came out of it, the stuff that I still had to work on “down here in the real world” lol, but that was only one aspect of it because of all my beliefs had to be untangled, placed to the side and re-arranged, and I had “switched off” my trust for everyone else so I had to do it one moment at a time, alone with just my horrible thoughts and whatever I could find on the “internet” that might explain it. I didn’t trust myself or anyone – because I didn’t see it coming and so I obviously suck at life.

I could see it from so many perspectives, from my view, from his, from society’s, from friends, from other youtuber’s, from family and from “other people”, from the divine, from other realms, from demons, from angels, from government conspiracies, from dolores cannon, from the law of one, from bentinho massaro, from Bashar, from david icke, from my “spiritual friends views” and my mainstream co-worker’s views… loads of rational and irrational ideas and not knowing which – if any was truth, and god it was a tough process trying to find the “true” perspective – what was the “truth”.. what really happened? Just completely “out of self”.. if that makes sense… walking around “outside of my body” – not there.. always “out there somewhere” in some kind of trance. I don’t know how I functioned at all.

He told me secrets about himself that were just so evil (in mainstream-views) and me being the “unconditional loving soul, accepting of everyone” being that I thought I was, was doing everything in my power to hold that “safe space” for him to speak his truth and release these past guilts that he had, to forgive himself of his past so-called sins and to step into “how I saw him” so that he could turn his life around and so he wouldn’t go down the path that I saw him going – harming other people. He was speaking as if he was this weak pathetic guilt-ridden guy, but I didn’t want him to see that about himself… I wanted him to have confidence and be what he dreamed of – that he could release himself of anything – no matter what he’s done, and empower himself to be all he wanted to be. I actually was convinced that maybe I was the only one on the planet that would be able to understand what he was struggling with – that I was the only one in the world that he would be able to share this stuff with, and so I thought that I was “sent to him” for my world-view, to help him through it. (Saviour complex? Fucking what was it.. why did I think that? Another disorder I had from my own unrecognized self-esteem issues?).

With unconditional love as my mantra, I accepted all he said, and tried to make him feel safe, cared-for, and … dare I admit it ‘worshipped’, and I knew it would be a long-process to help him forgive himself and love himself again, but I knew it was possible, that it was do-able, and I was there to be a friend for him throughout and help him realize this about himself, about this lost-soul who was filled with so much anguish who couldn’t see the sunlight. I was going to show him and treat him how I saw him, and that would build his confidence and release his guilty-conscience and regrets. Release his worries and stresses and help him step into his power. I didn’t see this as a sacrifice on my behalf or even delusional at all – until it all went pear-shaped. I knew that being kind and compassionate and loving was ‘right’ and I not only saw this as the “right thing to do”.. but it was the way that I saw the world at that time. Hold space for the soul’s potential. See them as the divine beings they are. We as a race have been manipulated, but we are actually powerful co-creators – we can be all we can imagine we can be. Help them see that, and ultimately be the ripple-effect that I thought we as souls-in-humans could be – if only we forgave people’s pasts and helped them see that they too, can be the change.

I didn’t know that all of this stuff that he was bringing up, was fake to “make fun” of how accepting I was of others. To test me or see how far he can go or how far he could push me to the brink of insanity… I thought he was actually opening up to me – revealing his soul’s secrets – releasing this from his skeleton closet – asking / begging for help.

I didn’t see that anyone would be trying to find triggers to mess with me? What the? Who does that? To see just how accepting I was of all that is evil in the world (I still don’t know to be honest, I’ve never been able to communicate with him since to get his version – but it’s definitely a possibility I thought about – that he was sitting there with his friends and texting me these horrible things to see how this crazy loving spiritual chick would react to them) and as each thing came up, they were my worst fears that would bring up my own childhood traumas, and I would then proceed to try and see it from a benevolent place, an accepting place, to forgive not only my past but to show him that no matter what you’ve done – I accept you – you’re safe with me, “I’m your safe space”, you can forgive yourself, learn from the past and all is well in the world). I thought anything that I feared, was coming up for me to deal with. At that time I had chosen to face my fears with love – to see any fears as coming up to be loved, and that any fears that came up – I was ready for, that I wouldn’t be shown them unless I was up for the task. 

There were so many red flags but I didn’t have a “Red Flag Radar“. I didn’t see anything in the world as “Red flags”. Red flags were just “things for me to face, accept, learn-from, and love”. Teaching me where I didn’t love myself, teaching me where I need to evolve.

It’s crazy writing this and realizing this lol. I know what headspace I was in (I had died and had been rebirthed – saw the world in a different way – divinely perfect & miraculous), and it was honestly a beautiful way to live, I don’t think there is anyone that would understand it unless they’ve experienced it too – it was bliss, the world was loving and everything was a wonderful realization. I’m blessed with at least being able to experience life through those eyes – at least for a little while and I do appreciate that most people will never be able to experience that world-view and how loving and blissful it is. I saw red flags the same way our creator would see them, with no good/bad judgement, just with acknowledgement and love. I miss that naiveness… it was the best way to see the world (until it wasn’t).

As I was trying to explain ‘unconditional love’ for all beings (not just him), I recorded a video on my youtube channel. But the responses showed me where other people were at with this whole scenario. They didn’t see it my way at all and started making their own videos about me – to warn me or to tell me that I’m delusional, etc. 

I kept trusting my own soul first, trusting life first, trusting that people come to you for a reason and that I was sent to his soul, to help his soul. I felt like his angel. I felt benevolent and I felt like the most loving, accepting person on the planet – I did. (How delusional was I? BIGTIME delusional – I even had dreams and visions that would validate and encourage me to continue, even though any normal person would’ve stopped by now).

Suddenly things started to get bad. Instead of looking forward to seeing me, he was ignoring me, others would “disperse” away from us whilst giggling when I went up to say hey (and that wouldn’t of happened if he hadn’t of said something to them – because we all used to have a “hey” kind of conversation together.. no dispersing required because none of the others ‘knew’ that we were together – however, clearly they did). At night he would contact me, and by day he was avoiding me and trying to make me look like I was following him – even though I was being the same ‘in public’ as I was before we had this ‘private connection’.

My spidey-senses were starting to detect another perspective coming up – from him or from other people’s influences – who knows – but our kind & loving private connection had a different, more sinister perspective emerging in public. He started to either want other people to think that I was some kind of stalker, someone to brush-off or make fun of, or that he was actually starting to see me as some kind of weirdo-stalker instead of someone trying to “show him a better way of life – experience a happier life”, a friend. 

• I wondered which it was, was it that he didn’t accept who he was or what he’d done, and the fact that I did – made me crazy in his eyes? Or because he had shared this stuff with me – scared the hell out of him – did he not trust that I would keep it secret? Was he living with shame because I had ‘proof’ that he wasn’t what people thought and he couldn’t deal with it? I don’t know. 
• Or was I acting any differently – should I slow-down communicating now because it’s taking on a darker pathway than intended – we are free to do as we choose and I didn’t want him “hanging around” if he didn’t want to “hang around”. We said from the start that it wasn’t a relationship kind of thing.. that while we feel that energy – cool, and if either one no longer feels it – cool too. That there are no expectations or attachments. Just enjoying each other’s company, having fun, and being a little ‘more than friends’.
• I think I took my “wanting to show him more” a bit too far. I did become different. I did say things I didn’t mean (yet from my side – it was because I was working on my fears and ‘wanted’ to not be scared of the things he was bringing up – I accepted everything and that was part of my thought-process – the person I was being was to be accepting and non-judging). As part of that, I also did do things I would never do – just to help him have more confidence and show him that I loved him unconditionally, as well as my own – letting go of the past and stepping-up to being a free individual – surrendering to trusting life. It wasn’t until months later that I saw how damaging this was to my own soul, that you should never do that. I was deliriously in a bubble reality that noone else could see. 

My world-view just didn’t make any sense to him (or anyone at the time) – it was so out there and weird compared to mainstream – unconditional love? Unity? Trusting? Kindness & compassion for all? What the fuck is that… noone understands that.

I guess that’s when I started seeing myself ‘through the eyes of those who didn’t understand‘. The seeds of doubt had been planted and I started questioning what this was on a more “mainstream” level. I did things I never would’ve done and said things I never would’ve said except that I thought I was doing it from a place of unconditional love – that I was helping him, and apparently I valued that more than my own dignity & integrity – because on a “soul-level”, I thought I was doing the right thing, and that was a far more important mission than any mere-humanness fears.

Once I started seeing myself through their eyes – it was horrific – it was nothing like how I saw myself and nothing like I had intended. (This is probably when I should’ve realized I wasn’t in alignment to my own soul and that if I was being guided by something benevolent – they would never of led me to do things against my own soul… but no, I didn’t get it at that time – that took months).

I tried to keep true to my own values with this (that I’m doing soul-level work) but as I saw myself through their eyes, I found myself ‘becoming what they saw’, I couldn’t hold onto the confident, happy me anymore, I was humiliated and ashamed to be me – wrong, delusional. My self-esteem plummeted but my ego wanted me to keep trying to “cover up my own anxiety and worries” and be confident. Inside I was dying & confused & crumbling… anguish like nothing else, but outside I tried to put on my “happy face” – that all is well – no regrets, it’s all good. This too shall pass. I still held firm to my beliefs… they were only just starting to crack. I wanted to show him that he was free, and that I wasn’t what he thought I was, but now that I had “put those self-doubts” in there, I had realized that by enabling him to “be right” and treating him as his full potential, that his ego did actually get a boost and he now saw me as pathetic lol. 

This is so hard to write because it’s so embarrassing, this whole thing is just absolutely astounding to me how I had taken on this world view and how “right” I believed I was. Thousands of life-lessons in this one little “incidental” sudden connection we both had. Life showing us what differing beliefs when coming together results in. Teaching us. We are always-ever learning but this one was a huge one for me because I didn’t get it and I didn’t know how I was led to it, because I had taken on a crazy belief system that doesn’t fit the reality of human-life. I had lots of ego stuff that I didn’t know was there, running the show. This whole scenario showed me my own ego-issues bigtime.

My ego-side (self-identity) wanted to defend my own reputation & stay in my happy-‘space-cadet’-view-on-life, but my own value-system wouldn’t allow me to. The struggle internally was excruciating. I wanted to accept everyone and be loving to everyone – and my soul was trying to show me that’s ‘not how it is’. I had to make the sacrifice & allow myself to be seen as this stalker because in the ‘real-caring’ world –  I didn’t want to “out him” & noone would believe the truth of it anyway, and in my ‘crazy-delusional’ world, I was struggling with various perspectives – from the ‘law of one’ stuff – that we are moving into new earth… and my ‘fear-stuff’ – where through 2 conversations with others, I had started thinking that he had been taken over by negative entities / demons – and even though I didn’t 100% believe in that stuff – it was there – hovering, because there was so much research I was doing about it at the time and it all fit – the stuff that he was into, the way that I ‘changed’ when I was with him. I felt it within him and I wanted him to be free, and I thought that was my role – why I was sent to him – so I asked that anything evil on him be taken away and I wished that he wouldn’t suffer anymore and that I could take on the burden he was carrying instead. I tried to clear him of all the stuff that was ‘eating’ him. And by doing that… I thought something went into me – and that I had somehow ‘given it permission’ to come into me instead – giving them another body instead of seeing him suffer. I turned into some kind of ‘succubus’ when we were catching up privately. I would drive away and about 20 minutes later, I would “come out of a trance-like state’ and go … what the fuck was that? What the fuck was that… what happened? 

When he sent me text messages, my stomach would go into all kinds of knots and I would find myself texting back things that I thought would make him feel safe, but inside I was dealing with all this shit.. some kind of psychotic episode… bigtime trauma.

In my ‘real life’, when I was trying to be ‘normal’ and not believe in the negative-entities, I was rationalising that I had to be the “bigger person” – I had to learn from this, I had to remember everything I had learned to get to this point and realize I can only work on myself. That was also ego-based. My ego – my self-identity of being “someone that was passed all this” wouldn’t allow me to be a ‘victim’ again. I didn’t allow myself to show anyone that I was hurting, and I didn’t give myself permission to show that my beliefs could be broken – that my beliefs were not strong-enough to face what was thrown at me… I didn’t want the world to see that another had the power to break me, that I had given away my power, and I was now broken – an empty shell, the spark that was there at the start was now replaced with guilt and darkness and shame and humiliation.

I was struggling trying to ‘fit’ all my different beliefs into this one scenario. On the one hand, I had this ‘normal-reality’ view. I now saw me as the world saw me, and it was terrifying because I had never noticed that about myself before – I had never seen it that way before and it was most certainly not something I wanted to believe. That “I” was the stalker? That “I” was the one forcing a loving connection? That I was the one that was “too much”, “too scary”. That I was the crazy one? I couldn’t believe that – even I knew that I didn’t see myself as normal – that I didn’t see the world the same way as others – I still believed that I was better for it. That everyone needed to feel loved.

I didn’t know just how much work I still had to do on myself – this was the catalyst for “making sure this never happened again” – I really needed to learn from this experience, but I still had my “overlay” on, where all these illusions / delusions / conspiracies and mainstream reality worlds were colliding and I saw it from ALL perspectives, but didn’t know how to hold onto my worldview but at the same time – not put myself in this position again – or others for that matter. If I was going to help other people – I needed to fricken work out what happened and why I didn’t see it coming and what is “in me” that made these choices to sacrifice my own soul for another willingly and without care for my own soul. He didn’t ask for help – didn’t want it – and was at his own level, playing his own game… so why did I want to “save him” – why couldn’t I trust that he was experiencing exactly what he wanted to experience and that there was no saving to be had? Why was I even interpreting him as ‘needing to be saved’?

I also didn’t see my own neediness for him to accept “ME”. That I was doing all this stuff – to get “HIS” approval. That it was my own self-worth issues that was doing all this. That wasn’t part of my consciousness at the time because I was so happy and confident. I also didn’t see that it was my OWN boundaries that I had crossed – that I was going outside of my own integrity to be something I’m not… (in my head – to help him) but what life was trying to show me with all these warning-sign-feelings, was that I wasn’t staying true to my own soul – I had interpreted those feelings as “fears I was ready to face and transcend” I just didn’t interpret them the way a normal person would interpret them because I was seeing it “as the universe does” and seeing it as “facing my fears”.. evolving – part of the process. 

It took about a year of I Ching and Tarot and disconnecting myself from everyone to start to realize all the parts of my own self-worth that had led to this because I was just about to “teach everyone” how to accept everyone… it was a long process before I thoroughly turned the torch on my own issues fully. To accept that I wasn’t “there” yet, and that life was teaching me even more about myself. That by allowing others to treat you badly, you are responsible for ‘how it turns out’ by every choice-point & decision you make – even if you are doing it from the heart – out of love – that sometimes that is sickly to others – that you can come on too strong and that others want to ‘get away’ from you. I didn’t see that about myself – until I saw it in others – towards me. When ‘they’ were doing that to me, I wanted to get away. Everything that unfolded soon after this was to show me – where “I” was doing that. Where he wanted to escape me. Where I was the succubus, the demon, the ‘feeding energy’. And it’s funny (not-so-funny) but there was a conversation we had once, where I was especially thinking he had been ‘taken over by a demon’, and the words that came out of ‘his’ mouth that same day was “are you sure you’re not possessed?” something like that.. it was like.. what? lol. 

When I told my sister just a tiny bit of what his secrets were so that I could get her advice (I never told her the whole thing because I still considered myself trustworthy – able to keep people’s really big secrets) – she told me to get away – run – cut off all connection & that he was never allowed to come to the house we lived at. I thought she didn’t understand – who else was going to understand what he was going through other than me… who else could he talk to about this stuff other than me. Noone would accept him as I did and he needed that. (Guess I saw him as a wounded child – because I’m a wounded child).

Other Youtubers who only knew a smidgen of “the way I saw life” were warning me just based on my ‘mainstream’ views. And my insides were squeaming with agony that noone was seeing things the same way. I finally cracked from victor to victim and “saw myself through his eyes and everyone else’s eyes” and it was not good – it was pathetic. I finally saw the “wrongness of me” & where I was going against my own soul to help another, but I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t real. Some kind of psychotic-break happened within the same timeline, and this was my big lesson. This was the beginning of the dark night of the soul. Something I would recover from eventually but when? Feeling like it would be a revelation that I would get soon and that everything would make sense soon, that I would “come out of it” soon. That soon stretched out to more than 3 years of “not wanting to let go of that innocent girl that saw everyone as their soul’s potential”. Clarity still hasn’t arrived – I’m still ever trying to unravel what happened. I see the mainstream “narcissist” explanations, I see the ’empath’ explanations, I also see and understand every other perspective that I’ve ever read – from the kundalini craziness, to demons/negative entities/fears, to childhood traumas, to ‘alien love bug’ (yep – this one nails the experience perfectly but it’s not something I believe – but I do believe the lady writing this went through the same thing as me), multi-dimensional beings, and also soul-lessons.

It has been a long, lonely, dark road to getting to wherever I am today. To creating values and boundaries, to ‘not seeing everyone as their soul’s’ (even though I still do… I don’t try and “save” people anymore – at least not in the same way – I just ‘be the change’ and hope that it’s planting positive ripple effects). I spent a couple of years being extremely negative-polarized as I had lost faith in humanity and didn’t trust my own intuition or that there was “anything helping us”. Vengeance came up. Ego stuff came up “I wanted to set my name right – tell people the truth”, but I held back. I saw myself as pathetic, not an angel. That I was needy, not a saviour. My mind went cross-eyed because whilst I was having all these self-realizations of shining the light within and seeing where I was not respecting myself, where I still had victim-issues, and where I was working from a place of denial-of-own-issues, I still saw the value in how I saw life before. I didn’t want to go back to being a dark-hearted human, I wanted to be of the light again. I didn’t want to “not see people the way that I saw people”. I thought my way was right (& still think that). It was so hard because I knew that if I kept my way, I would keep walking into danger, that I would break, but I didn’t want to go back to the depressive-life that I had pre-revelation, pre-seeing the world from this unconditional loving space.

I’m not saying it wasn’t a good thing ultimately to go through. The shadow-work that is. It was a useful process. It was “making everyone else innocent” so that I could see all the ways where I could be wrong – what I could work on. It was taking responsibility for “the part I played” in how it unfolded. When you see everyone else as innocent  (as excruciating as it is.. and it’s also not true – everyone’s choices and decisions played an equal role) – but when you see everyone else as innocent, all that’s left is “your personal lessons”. Like, it highlights all the choices you made where you allowed it to happen. It puts a spotlight on your own part in it, so that you can work on that within you – so that you don’t make the same mistake again. It’s all about learning from wherever you’re at. You were also innocent in that you made all your choices based on what you knew at the time – they were also innocent because they were making choices based on what they knew at the time. Each of us are learning from every experience – through our diversity. Expanding our perspectives, and hopefully making better choices as life teaches us every step of the way. I was cloudy – in a trance – confident that “I” was right. He was also stressed-out, going through his own trauma’s, and making decisions based on his own beliefs – his own reality – his own experience. 

I thought I was “there”, and by thinking I was there, life gave me an opportunity to see “what else I had to work on”. I didn’t see it like that at the time. I don’t know how others who are going through this could ever do what I did, and I don’t even know if what I did was the “right thing to do” if there is such a thing. It’s just what I did. I made everything about me wrong and started from scratch. Listed out all my possible traumas in my life that had led me to have such a naive view about the world – why did I want to save the world? Why did I have so much compassion for people? Why did I “want to be so good”? What was in me that was “so bad” that I felt like everyone needed rescuing? Why did I trust everyone’s soul? And Why “DIDN’T” I trust people’s soul – as in, why didn’t I trust that their soul knows what’s right for them – why did I think he needed help at all? Why did I believe that everyone was good underneath their mask? Why did I think everyone was “like me” – truly soul-level stuff – kind & compassionate beneath the “mask they display to society, to the world”? Then – why didn’t I respect myself enough to keep going against my own integrity to “be what the other person needed”? Why was I squirming at all when he spoke about the things he did? Why could I only see his inner-child within and want to nurture that instead of running for the hills when he was showing me who he actually is? (and why I still feel that way – yep, I still see him as a wounded-child even after all this).

At times throughout this process, I wanted to expose him, to destroy him as he had destroyed me. When I went through the motions of him using me and betraying me as he did. When his secrets are jail-worthy. When I saw his ugliness beneath the facade.

(This made me understand people sending other’s to jail on a whole new level.. I wonder how many have been through dark night of the soul and destroyed others in the process – I was also pondering whether I was supposed to report him for the things he had done – was I supposed to help those other people that he was harming? But I still had ‘divine’ belief systems that believes that all of this was playing out like some kind of cosmic-order thing and that I didn’t need to go down that path – I decided to trust that he wouldn’t harm anyone & just work on my own issues that came up – and that every encounter is for ‘me’ to learn from, and that I couldn’t even trust myself anyway – that I wasn’t just doing it out of vengeance/ego/abandonment issues, etc.).

I was so angry that I had to change all my beliefs. I was just about to take off and share with the world how to be happy – I wanted to “be the example” and I was weeks away from spreading my message, had ‘raise vibrations, and soul-preneur‘ websites ready to launch, when this one meeting – merely weeks before I was supposed to leave, changed it all. How could one person.. be the catalyst to question and change all of my beliefs and ultimately – the life path that I was so enthusiastically embracing and excited about? I can’t of been that confident.. I can’t of had all the answers.. I must’ve been wrong about that too, about everything.. the mind kept flipping through everything and trying to stay true to the person that I wanted to be… I didn’t want to admit to myself that I couldn’t help anyone, because now I was the one that needed help.

I just realized now that I still have work to do – damnit. That I still want to be that girl. That I still want to experience that life of unconditional love & compassion again. That I actually “liked that about me” & still somewhat “want” to believe that it is the best way to live life. I liked seeing everyone as soul’s having a human experience. I liked having what I thought of as ‘a higher-perspective’. I miss her.

The past few years, this lesson has taught me so much – but it’s tainted my soul forever – I still don’t trust others, but it did teach me about my own values, my own self-worth issues, my own integrity & dignity, my own sensitivities, my own abandonment issues, and my own vulnerabilities. Maybe that was the point. Maybe I needed it. Well I did – because as being on the ‘receiving end’ of those who wanted to ‘help me’ or ‘love me’ when I didn’t want it – made me realize what I was doing to others. That we really need to allow others to feel free and just go with the flow. And sometimes you think you are doing that – but you are trusting some kind of ‘wound’ within, and thinking it’s one thing, but it’s actually your own soul warning you that you have ‘something valuable about yourself or others to learn here’.

As I faced all my fears and peeled off layers and layers of “stuff” that was brought up through this complete transformation of the person I was to the person I am transforming into now,  I do wonder if I will ever have to do this again. As life teaches me who I am and what I stand for, I get to journey through many different aspects of being human on this planet. I think my rose-coloured glasses wants me to get through this shadow-stuff and realize I was “right the entire time“, and that there is still a way to look at the world with unconditional love – without stepping outside of the integrity of our own soul. I wasn’t right about some things. I made choices that broke my spirit, that lowered my own self-esteem, and that was ‘toxic’ for both myself and him.

I grieve for the girl who thought she was a loving individual, but now sees the girl who had neediness issues and wanted others to be happy – for her own self-worth (to be valued/liked by others). But I know that I have it in me to see that value from within – without the requirement of “other people’s approval”. It’s cruel what I do to myself to grow & evolve – I’m harsher on myself than anyone could ever possibly be. I had to completely humble myself and look at all my weaknesses and I’m not so sure I’m done. This has been a battling down of all my own self-esteem, making myself extremely small. I do need to rebuild my self-confidence. I am starting to see my own innocence again though, being less-harsh on myself now that the ‘fog has lifted’ and I’m starting to actually grasp some of the concepts and wisdom that I have gained through this process.

The most empowering thing I’ve done this year was meeting of a new connection and actually seeing the narc-red-flags early and not allowing him to cross my boundaries, and realize that I do have self-worth, that someone else can’t break me, that I can be caring and hold space for another – without having to go against my own soul/integrity, that it’s important for me to have a connection where I can ‘be myself’, and it also made me recognize that whilst I have a lot more confidence now and I know a lot more about who I am, there are things within me (past shame, humiliation, embarrassment, self-worth issues) that are blocking me from being my best-self & from opening my heart. Still parts of me wanting to make myself invisible so that noone sees me until I have my power back – until I completely ‘understand what happened and have a resolution for all’. Still parts of me accepting “all of others”. Being human is definitely an educational journey!

I’ve forgiven the unforgivable, and I’ve forgiven myself for not knowing any better and learning from the experience (not going to cross my own boundaries.. not going to step on that mine again.. notice the red flags and listen to them!). I’ve done the work on myself to dig-up all the “wrongness” of me and had to work through each and still more comes up. Now I need to re-ignite my own blown-out candle. And as I reflect today, I have a pathway but I’m “on the way”, I’m not “there” and I wonder if there is a “there” to get to.

Maybe I could’ve got through it faster if I wasn’t at the same time “playing with the universe” – surrendering to life and trusting that everything was here to help me. I think that particular belief was probably the most damaging and hard to untangle because it made me push through my fears, dissipate boundaries, and ignore the red flags in order to make the ultimate sacrifice to save his soul. Part way through I wondered who the heck was leading me down this dark path and I started to believe in demons and some kind of “dark force” that was manipulating me and him. My mind was really messy. I can’t believe what life has been like the past few years when I went from confident to victim and even through taking responsibility for my part in it, has definitely changed my world-view, the biggest loss is the disconnection-from-others and the lack of compassion – I no longer “feel” anything in my heart. There is no longer despair -just a yearning to understand life and get clarity on the whole situation. If I don’t get clarity in life, I hope that I get it in death, and that I’ll laugh about it in the after-life, or that it ultimately did help others to go through this. I have no idea yet. I still want clarity. Definitely think that I was having some kind of psychotic break when I went through the realization from my eyes to his.

I hope journalling about my thoughts today help me get further along in my progress in this. I’ve filled up hundreds of journals in the past few years, recorded hundreds of videos, always seeking a new angle, always seeking different perspectives because there are hundreds of ways to look at different scenarios. I wonder if there is a single “truth” or if it’s just an experience to learn from. “It is what it is” and your reality is just the lens from which you choose to look at the world with. That reality is interpretive from many different angles. I want a truth I can trust.

Another thing I just realized that this was another “victim” story that I have added to my life, that I’m trying to turn into a “victor” story like I have with the others that I have learned from. It’s like until I learn the lesson here, I can’t turn it into a victor story (completion process / leave no karma). But that so many of my victim-stories was because of my wanting to see the best in others, show kindness/compassion & being misunderstood because that’s just not the way people are… and that I don’t want to see bad in others (or myself). There are so many contradictions in this particular encounter, and it makes it worse that there are so many “spiritual, cosmic and mainstream” versions of looking at things – I wonder if all of people’s spiritual experiences like this – their beliefs are from bypassing the mainstream traumas, or whether they are all entangled in there too.

I don’t know what to believe and I don’t know how anyone else can either – they just “pick a belief that works for them” and that’s that for them.. but I’m a truth seeker, I don’t want to take on a belief unless it’s “truth” so I “try them on” but none of them fit completely yet so it’s always back to mainstream mental trauma’s and ever-reading other people’s interpretations and perspectives and research… until I get some kind of insight that makes absolute 100% truth-sense to me. I know that others live in a darker space than me – seeing that which is different than them as ‘bad’, and I don’t want to see them as bad because I don’t think anyone is – they are just learning from a difference in expectations/beliefs – doing the best they can from their own interpretation of what it is – based on their own upbringing/beliefs. He wasn’t bad – we were just having a polarity experience where I believed in one thing and he believed another and I must’ve had expectations that people don’t do that to other people they care about and chose to lose faith in myself and humanity to deal with it – not him being bad, but these 2 opposing forces / differing world-views coming together to learn and – the result screwed me up.

We’re each at where we’re at – we’re each learning from the level we’re on, we’re learning from our differences, hopefully taking the “best” of each other and each levelling-up from where they were at with each encounter. I think this one screwed me up because I felt like I had ‘de-evolved’ & had to take on a less-benevolent view of the world from it, it felt like a detour into hell. And I lost my self-worth completely in the process.

I know I’m “not” benevolent, but it’s like something I think we’re “aiming for”, that our goal is to forgive, accept, learn… ultimately become more benevolent with each level we’re experiencing..and this was the ultimate test of that and I failed it and that made me feel horrible because I couldn’t get over my own ego for years. I think we’re here to ‘do better’. That the point is to learn & become better from our experiences.

I know the world would be better if we could unify instead of separate, love instead of hate/fear, come together and – to come together we have to accept our differences, forgive first and each of us needs to do-better, be-better. Rescue the planet and each other by each doing our own inner-work and being-better. To live more from the soul’s point of view instead of the ‘sins of the past’. But maybe that’s what I’m supposed to learn- but that my inner-self really doesn’t want to let go of in life because it truly believes its the truth about how to live life. That maybe… we’re here on this planet to learn how to be better, do better.. and that we’re not “there” while we’re on this planet, we see it “afterwards” like.. after this life, we see what we could’ve done, that we learn about it “after the fact” just as we do in life’s lessons. I just wonder if I’m ever going to reach a revelation in life that I can stick to? lol.. the game keeps changing, the goal-post keeps moving.. I keep having to “change my world view again”.

From my death’s – I have a different worldview than others. I see life that we “could have”. I see my life-review “in life”, not “after death” and I try and learn the lessons from this human perspective and learn my lessons here, now. And I keep getting confused with this one, coming back to it time & time again… like… I’m supposed to learn something phenomenal here that will help all of us & that something hasn’t quite clicked-into-place yet?

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