Journey

Agenbite of Inwit: Persistence of Pain

SELF-DOUBT

Self-doubt can be a crippling thing. Wanderers are easy prey for the emotional binds of self-doubt and insecurity, since much of the response we get from more normal people is sometimes unkind or hostile. People with feelings of insecurity can express this by straightforwardly expressing fears about the self, or, alternately, by becoming seemingly sure of the self and being overbearing. In either case, the neurosis involved is insecurity about the worth of the self. Certainly, it can be said that this is not only true for wanderers, but for all sorts of people. However, the sensitivity of the wanderer is such that all problems seem to hit harder and do more damage. Because this level of emotional pain is not immediately obvious from surface behaviour, it can go very wrong and very deeply so, and result in challenges such as psychic greeting. The “normal” people of this world, being generally untroubled by a metaphysically oriented point of view, simply are not experiencing the pain of self-doubt with the same timbre and resonance.

I was in bliss for three days, 30 years ago. Really hard to get it back. I live in mourning of the loss of this great feeling of oneness. But I am doing the best I can. I feel like a spiritual has-been.5
5 Jon Locke, letter dated May 6, 1998.
Penny – Me too :(

It is appropriate that each seeker feel a certain amount of doubt as it approaches a new experience upon the spiritual path. For this kind of doubt or questioning is that which prepares the seeker in an inner sense to take the step from the cliff not knowing whether the foot that steps shall rest upon firm fundament or not. Thus, if there is interest upon your heart and doubt in your ability, we recommend that you rely upon that desire which you feel and that you put aside for the moment the doubt in order that your journey may continue along that path which is designated by the passion and desire within you.11
11 Q’uo, transcript dated August 16, 1992, p. 6.

We know that each of you has felt the doubt within the soul, the suspicion of unworthiness, the self-doubt of the value of one’s existence. We are aware that at times those of you who seek to be of assistance by serving in the capacity of an instrument are quite rightly consumed with doubt, both of your worthiness to perform the task you have undertaken and your ability to accurately represent that which is placed within your mind. My friends, we can only comfort you in these situations of doubt with a reminder of that which was said on your planet so many years ago, that if you wish to learn, that the door will open if you will but knock, that if you wish sincerely for an opportunity to serve your brothers and sisters, you have but to ask and that opportunity will be provided.15
15 Latwii, transcript dated April 10, 1983, p. 4.

The positive path is full of shadows, of questions and doubts, of continual learning and balance. The choice for positivity is not the choice for simplicity of early lessons.17
17 idem, transcript dated June 14, 1992, p. 3.

Heaven forbid we should have things simple and easy! Usually that’s not the wanderer’s path description:
There will be suffering and confusion throughout this illusion, for it is by such testing that these basic principles are forged in the fire of experience within each entity’s heart. Be gentle with yourself, not expecting too much, yet placing before yourself the goal each day of renewing faith in the fact there are truly no mistakes within this illusion. There are great puzzles and riddles and experiences of confusion and doubt which each seeker of truth will find placed upon the path and with which each seeker must grapple.18
18 idem, transcript dated October 14, 1992, p. 6.

One can feel a victim very easily as one seeks to live spiritually. One can feel the weight of all that has been given up. One can drown in the hopes that have not happened. One can be deafened by one’s doubts. And we say to you that all this is satisfactory. All this is acceptable. For truly you did not come here to be happy. You did not come here to be satisfied. But, rather, you came here to work, and to learn, and to serve.19
19 idem, transcript dated November 5, 1995, p. 3.

The mind asks you, “Where are you going? How do you get there the best way?” This is logical. This sometimes works spiritually, but not often. What works spiritually, rather, is that faithful patience that, when in doubt, sees the doubt, sits with the doubt, accepts the doubt, forgives the doubt, and then chooses to rest in faith. We do not mean to suggest that action is not a good idea. You came here to be confused. You came here to act. You came here to make mistakes, to judge yourself, to do all of the things that you will learn are not particularly loving or wise.20
20 idem, transcript dated January 17, 1999, p. 4.

From the standpoint of the work of the spirit, all is well. The doubts and inner discords are not only acceptable but also of value. Only the self can dig so deeply into the substrata of a busy and complex personality. Only the self can ask the self these questions with such desire to know. This is, then, a positive and a necessary portion of the rhythm of living an incarnation: the questioning and probing, the lifting up and gazing and putting down again and then lifting and looking from another angle. These things are well. This is good work. 21
21 idem, transcript dated December 10, 1995, p. 2.

The consciousness which invites the higher self to help is one which in humility gazes at the world and says, “In and of myself I see only illusion. I must seek further.” Seeking is the key to contact with this greater self, this larger edition of you. This higher self cannot choose for you that which you must or must not do. It is not an authoritarian presence. Each decision is your own to make within this illusion, and no responsibility can be given to any higher self, guide or teacher. Each is responsible for the self. 24
24 idem, transcript dated November 1, 1987, p. 4.

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My notes to contemplate:
[22] – Faith (as a Polarizing Necessity)
[21] – Polarity
[20] – Third Density & other Densities
[19] – Relationship Catalysts
[18] – Catalyst and Experience
[17] – The Veil of Forgetting
[16] – Karma
[15] – Reincarnation
[14] – Our Energetic Selves and How We Evolve
[13] – Transformation & Global Harmony
[12] – Positive Harvest = reach 51% service to others
[11] – Guilt as Opportunities for Forgiveness / don’t fight the darkness
[10] – A call to a life in faith
[09] – Despair, Faith, Fears, Distortions
[08] – Psychic Greetings / Attacks from Negative Entities
[07] – Pride, Ego, Surrender, and Elitism – We are all bozos on this bus!
[06] – Self-Doubt, Insecurity, Suffering & Hostility
[05] – Wanderers Purpose – Head to the heart.
[04] – Personality Disorders, Handicaps & Illness
[03] – I have never felt as if I belong.
[02] – Unseen Guidance / Unity, service and love.
[01] – You are here to bring light to a dark world.
More notes to be added as I keep reading through the material. I’ll add the additional links to new notes when completed on post #1 and post #22