Journey

“Depression…don’t f*k with it. It’s deadly.” Definitely resonate with that statement. (it’s a quote from a ‘friend of a facebook friend’ on one of Courtney Walsh’s status updates about depression yesterday, titled: WHEN I DECIDED TO DIE I LEARNED HOW TO REALLY LIVE

WHEN I DECIDED TO DIE, I LEARNED HOW TO REALLY LIVE: My own suicide attempt was both my deepest painful moment and hugest epiphany turning point. After that, I made the conscious decision to stay on the planet. Somewhere. At some point. I don’t remember when or how. If it was all at once or more gradual. Maybe both. That part doesn’t matter. Because the more important decision I made was to live life 100% on my own terms. In a way that made me truly happy. In a way that made me feel genuinely free. I lost a lot of relationships and jobs and old ideas in this decision-making process. Because it’s the most radical and evolved thing a human can do. Make this crazy decision to put their own wellbeing before the desires or needs of others. Everything, and I mean everything, we’ve ever been taught tells us this is wrong. We’ve been brainwashed to be martyrs rather than to be selfish. At all costs. But that’s a hideous lie. Because when you love yourself wholly, you actually help the world far more than when you tapdance or perform for love or approval from people who can never really see or hear you. It’s not their fault. You didn’t let them. You swallowed your voice. You cut yourself off from your own needs. You played roles. You made yourself unimportant. So now it’s time to remember what’s true and real. The sacred you that owes nobody anything. The infinite you that must be willing to disappoint or even enrage people if it means being true to yourself. And they will be enraged and disappointed. Because you’ve stopped bending or shrinking for their comfort. It’s ok. They’ll survive. That’s their own battle with their own demons to fight. You just keep thriving, anyway.

~Courtney A. Walsh

This morning, another facebook friend posted a comment about Matt Walsh’s post titled: ‘Robin Williams didn’t die from a disease, he died from his choice’ and as I was responding to it, my update got a bit lengthy so I’m posting my response here instead:

I could’ve taken my life several times in the darkest days, I was a teenager cutter, and less than 18 months ago, I surrended to the thought of the end when I thought I was going to die from my illness.

No matter how dark it gets, if you still have a seed inside you that says “I still have something to contribute”… well at least for me, that wanting to leave some kind of legacy before it all ended, to not of ‘died for nothing’ – helping nobody, with nobody knowing who I really am, and thoughts of ‘what would they say at my funeral – she was a hard-worker? is that what I want to leave this world as the one thing everyone remembered me by?” and similar thoughts saved my life because once I embraced that new ‘purpose’ and started living and speaking my truth instead of living the way I ‘thought’ I ‘had’ to act to keep up with mass-thinking in ‘society’, I was able to drive myself back from the depths of depression.

I live now wanting to live my last days/weeks/years – however long I have, being my authentic ‘me’ and not wallowing in anguish. Although I couldn’t see a way out of the dark at the time, I had no answers to getting out of it then.. it wasn’t until I started wanting to leave more than just this memory of the person I didn’t want to be, to be able to leave something of value to the world, in particular to those that I love, and especially my young nephews. And it’s only at the end that those thoughts really consume you, none of the other stuff, the ‘everyday dramas’ really mattered anymore, they faded away. I became aware of what was most important to me.

The English language doesn’t define things very well… it likes to encumber lots of emotions and experiences with ‘one-word-fits-all’ definitions. Depression is not a one-word-fits-all. Stress is another word that is also used as a one-word-fits-all.

Stress/Depression = biggest killers and often not treated as a serious-ailment by the person experiencing it or the people that surround them because we each experience some form of it at some time in our lives and those little one-size-fits-all words cover such a broad spectrum of feelings and emotions and experiences.

Sometimes we get stressed or depressed and we can get over it pretty quickly and other times, it can take over our soul and leave us feeling like ending it all is the only way to resolve it. That the world would be better off without us, or that the pain goes so deep that we cannot see a way out.

Those not having the deeper pains might think they ‘get it’ when someone else is experiencing despair, if they don’t have feelings of ending it, it’s not the same spectrum and they can’t resonate with someone to be able to help them because they think you can just ‘get over it’ by willing it to happen – wave a magic wand, take a pill, deal with it, ‘pull it together, man’. Those types of quick-fix solutions are just not possible for those who are in the very depths of darkness.

I actually don’t disagree with that guy (Matt Walsh) when he says it’s spiritual because from my own experience, everything has changed for me since I started expressing the things I thought I had to keep ‘suppressed’ to keep the masses and sheeple happy. It started with researching health & mindset to leave my legacy, and although it started with a journey back to health.. it kinda became spiritual as I broke out of the automatic-habit of suppressing my deepest inner truths. I have stopped thinking like everyone else and I don’t know when that ‘kicked-in’ exactly, but it happened and I don’t want to undo it because life is so much happier when you start living from what you feel in your inner core is the “right thing to do”, when you stop succumbing to what is supposedly ‘expected of you’, when you start to question all the conditioned beliefs and automatic behaviours and start living from a place of truth – you start living a life of less-resistance, you start to accept exactly where you are, and live in the moment. And be able to ‘choose’ how to live and how to feel in that moment.

I can understand that there are different levels of depression and stress and one article and one person’s opinion or solution is not a ‘cure-all’ for everyone’s pain & despair – I don’t think that article would’ve helped me much when I was going through the darkest days because only the incremental step-by-step journey back has opened my mind to us being more than just skin-covered meat popsicles, nor could I speak about what I was going through with anyone because I was too ashamed/guilty/embarrassed and too sad – I didn’t want the people around me to be ‘infected’ by my poisonous energy. Plus, they didn’t want to be around me anyway and not surprisingly.

The only way back from depression that I know of is my own journey back, and it’s not a small answer, and its not a one-size-fits-all answer because it was unique to the healing I needed to do.

My biggest takeaway from my own experience was…

I started to live in the ‘now’ – that ‘now moment’ is all I had, and I embraced it – it was the only thing I kind of had control over – how I felt, what I chose to think about, and what I did in “this moment”. i.e. Can I change what has happened in the past? No? Ok. It is what it is. I accepted all that I had no control over to change and I started to make changes to the things that I did have the power to change.

That didn’t happen overnight though. I wallowed in my own self-pity and misery for months, I sabotaged myself further and really stuck the nails in my own coffin – I wouldn’t recommend that method.. but what worked after the self-sabotage misery zombie months?

Baby steps out of the darkness: I got into natural healing, I researched mindset and actually started to actively apply the things I was learning, I changed my lifestyle to be less stressful, I changed my diet and started looking after my cells, I did a 30 day gratitude experiment, I removed as many toxins & chemicals as I had control over, I started listening to podcasts so that I had ‘positive people’ talking into my ears 24/7, I forgave the things in the past, I stopped living in the imagined future, I read lots of mindset and health books, and tried a lot more things, and little by little, by incrementally retraining my neural pathways in my brain to consciously change my life – I was taking automatic-steps towards health and happiness.

Maybe I could’ve accomplished it faster if I had’ve known what to do and if I had’ve known what would work, but then every step I took – every moment – was a journey in itself and it was the ‘journey’ that taught me what I individually needed to find the light after the darkness.

This whole blog (starting maybe from about 300 or so posts ago) is my journey back from depression and sickness, and that incremental step-by-step journey can’t really be summarized in a single post (maybe a book or course.. but even then, I’m still ever-learning and I never stop researching – I never think I know all there is to know – I’m never “done”), but if anyone is experiencing the darkest pains right now, and happen to still be reading, and don’t have anyone to talk to, I don’t know exactly which posts will help you right now but they all helped me at different points in my own journey. Here are a few that I think would be the most helpful (at least for me):

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