Random Morning Pages – Feb 2018

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Woke up with thoughts of mum & dad and opening my heart up to them and the resistance I have for that.

I like that they no longer can hurt me emotionally. I like that I let them do their own thing and no longer seek their validation or approval.

I like that I allow them to be what they want. I feel that it’s healthier for to not point out all the way he’s causing his illness.

Trying to get them to love me, and trying to get the family the way “I thought it needed to be” was keeping me in a state of anxiety, resistance, defence, regret, and blame.

So, I don’t know why they were on my mind in this dream-state this morning.

Perhaps I was accessing another reality. 

Sure, it would be nice to love/be loved but it isn’t nice to be in pain for the ways things could be, when they are the way they are, and I am the way I am.

After decades of living in the “needing their love/approval” and trying to get a family that I thought we should have, I let that go and just decided to allow them to be free to be who they are, and that release – gave me the freedom to be who I am.

Very curious if this is my higher-being wanting to help me open my heart, or a shadow-being or old negative-thought-form trying to cause heartache, or a parallel reality where other me is still holding on, or my inner-being with work to do, or a combination.

I don’t really remember the open-heart feeling anymore. I don’t know how to access it and if I did, I feel it would be painful.

To live more from my heart instead of defending the identity in my head (ego), I had to work through a lot of crap, walking the coals of hell, which I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

It’s curious to me why not everyone seems to go through this, and whether it’s necessary or whether it just took me longer because of my own beliefs & experiences in this particular lifetime so far.

Am I a culmination of all my lives lived? The good, bad, ugly? Or is this a blank-slate/fresh-start new life with its own set of experiences to work through?

Did I bring in lifetimes/generations of pain into this life with me, or was it just beliefs/experiences in ‘this’ life that caused my life to play out the way it did?

Did I choose these parents, did I know they would split before I was even born, did I know that mum being pregnant would be the catalyst for the split? Before entering? Or was it random. Or did I choose based on them staying together?

Could I have known about dad before incarnating? Or is it just the luck of the draw. You incarnate wherever and learn from where you’re at?

I guess it doesn’t matter. Because no matter what circumstances you find yourself in when you’re born, you are there now – wherever that is and its up to you to navigate the journey.

And now we get back to fractals – kaleidoscopes.

The universe playing out in every which way. The only way to design a better creation for all is to intend it, know it’s possible, and work at it. We either give up, give in, sleep, take forced action, or inspired action.

We have an innate desire to do/be better.

So I do feel that no matter what the truth is, we are here to experience/learn from where we’re at and continue to do/be better than the space we find ourselves in. Deliberately creating on behalf of source. Deliberately creating better.

I’m glad that a lot of angst, remorse and fear has left me in regards to the path I follow.

It was dicey here for a while and perhaps the doubt is still lingering. Answers are needed. Questions are plentiful. Desire to seek truth is still ever-present.

What is this relationship to the identity/ego? How important is this avatar we play?

We naturally desire to love, create, be happy, appreciate, enjoy, avoid pain/suffering.

What is suffering? 

That which does not align with your desire.

So do we just follow the path of alignment to our desire?

Why do we desire to know the ‘right’ path. The effortless path. The end-goal.

Why does the system implant fear and toxins and control. There literally must be something to that. Whether it is archons feeding off the resistance, or are we self-creating it for our own lessons, or is it a little of both. 

Brainwashed since birth and generations before, we know it doesn’t feel right and we are told to conform to ‘fit in’, to not do anything to fight the system. That fear of isolation is within each of us. We desire to harmonize with our surroundings, or, community.

Innately it is better to live in harmony than fight the injustices. But do we take this desire to harmonize coupled with the fear of isolation to the extreme?

Work towards a better future whilst harmonizing with our surroundings seems to be the only win-win solution.

Because when we fight-against, “the toxins, the control, the vaccinations, the poisoning of our air & water, the depletion of the nutrients and chemicals used in our soil, the raping of the earth, the unjust laws, the hiking prices to live”.. we can’t win alone.

We need an army. But we don’t want war.

The only solution is being the change and finding like-minds to harmonize with.

Making the ‘better earth, better reality’, the goal – the group goal. Then we can offer solutions to those stuck in the game of control/suffering.

How long will this take? Will I see it in this avatar’s lifetime?

Maybe that’s where the power within the identity lies. An identity that promotes harmony whilst still being the lantern of a better-life to others.

When I grow my own food, it may inspire another to plant food. When I filter the toxins out of my water, it brings the idea out there for another to consider, when I seek alternative win-win solutions, it may inspire another to do the same.

I create a better reality for myself, it may inspire another to deliberately create. Blossoming within the system.

The strengths of the Ubuntu philosophy and soulpreneur or lightworkers is our natural willingness to help each other. To learn and share, to bring forth our own gifts for betterment of the tribe. The desire to collaborate, co-create and thrive.

As my ‘greater community’ does not match these values, I would have to start my own. I can still care about my ‘greater community’ whilst encouraging and inspiring like-minds to be the change, to be the lantern for the greater community that they don’t even know is missing from their lives.

Still in doubt about what we’re doing here, how to navigate life, if there’s a ‘right’ way/path.

Are we ‘supposed’ to be good. Are we here to fix all this? Or would all this be fixed if we didn’t ‘create’ it. Am I here, now, in this scenario because I chose to be here – to help or to suffer or to learn something. Is there a point to all of this?

That task of unconditional love and oneness and certainty that I was a part of, creating it, experiencing it in it’s glory has shifted now to the taking for granted of it. The questioning it.

Seeing/focusing on ‘what’s wrong with it’. Yet who deems anything as ‘wrong’ but our own interpretation based on perceptions. How does this work

Can it be inspired with will/intent/belief/faith, will it make a difference?

Or are we just playing it out. I don’t know. Are others just as confused?

How can we all improve if we believe we are powerless? If we shame who we are. If we live in fear. In fake-ness. If we’re trying to extract the most from others. If we have to ‘survive’. If the only way to ‘there’ is in the money system. If we are ‘shamed’ when we even try to do good.

My Oneness experience showed me a world to aim for. Or was it a world I’ve already seen, or is it a higher-vibratory version of the same world I live, or a different timeline. It was real but I still don’t know it’s meaning. It planted a seed in me for sure, and maybe that’s all that was intended.

What a world it would be if people allowed their hearts to soar where they saw potential and opportunity and wonder everywhere. If they felt grateful to be alive and part of this experience.

How wonderful the world would be if we all became lighthouses of potential for each other, instead of blowing out each candle as they burn high or cutting down the roses to make room for the weeds.

That experience of oneness gives you a glimpse of a world to aim for. Shows you how it can be.

From this lower-density place I entered when I shut that vision for humanity down and did a complete reverse view on a perspective that could change the world.

One aims for improving the world, supporting people’s talents, being happy for them when they are happy, being the reminder of their infinite potential when they express doubt, being an example of following your bliss and releasing the fear of ‘what others may negatively think’ and instead encouraging and lighting the way for human potential.

The other keeps everyone from leaving jobs they hate, meeting people they admire and appreciate, closes off all the individual and unique talents and perspectives that may help society be better, and replaces it with one of ‘fear of being different’, ‘fear of standing out’, ‘fear of success’, ‘fear of teaches, bosses, parents, leaders, laws, politicians, people’.

One is fear-based, the other is love-based.

One encourages and nurtures the seeds to grow strong and shine. The other encourages decay, keeping them down to wither and die… ‘… but at least they didn’t make others feel uncomfortable by their joy’.

There is a balance between the two that I’m aiming for. I’m no longer aiming for that high, I’m no longer seeing the world as a possible utopia. But I’m aiming for a middle-ground. To have the courage to be happy, to open my heart to the world again, to be a lantern for others, and to harmonize with my surroundings.

  • ‘Piece by piece, my life began to reflect my thoughts’.
  • Until one is committed, there is hesitancy.
  • Be so confident in your path that you dissolve doubt.
  • What do you love? What makes you truly happy? Trust your soul’s purpose, that’s your bliss.
  • We select and receive specific “versions” of reality by our beliefs. We select & receive by our 100% trust in ‘what we know is so’. Each believe gets you vibratory at a unique set of frequencies. These frequencies then attract, by sympathetic resonance, those holograms vibrations on the same frequencies.
  • What we believe and totally ‘trust to be so’, sets up the alignment from which we receive that particular ‘version of reality’. At every given moment, we are always totally believing “something”. All possible versions of your reality exist now, and only become visible to us when we ‘tune ourselves’ (via our beliefs) to be compatible and resonant with the frequencies of any one version. Time is an illusion – you have already become everything you’ve ever wanted to become and attain.
  • If you had unlimited courage, unlimited support from everyone else, unlimited time energy and knowledge, unlimited money and ability, imagine how you would life.. if there were no limits in the area of your life called: Fun & Recreation, Career, Contribution & Charity, Spirituality, Health & Fitness, Personal Growth & Education, Friends, Significant Other & Romance, Home or Homes, Vehicles, cars boats, or planes.
  • What are you passionate about, when does time seem to fly, what do you feel you were born for, what comes naturally, where do you excel, what have you never tried but think you’d be great at.

Are we tapping into greater awareness, a data system, or is it a natural phenomenon or natural function of the  mind? 

If our shadows can manipulate our subconscious to ‘make-solid’ those thoughts and our allies can whisper to make-solid those thoughts, then it really is a game of either taking ownership of your own thoughts, or which wolf you listen to: love or fear.

It’s not instant, it’s not solidified until it’s built-up. 

The more you listen to problems, the more problems we collectively create.

The more you ‘solidify’ your beliefs to your preferred thoughts, it can’t help but manifest.

You can still be manipulated by ‘the way it is’ by the collective consciousness making solid the ‘way it is’, but it’s harder for them to manipulate what you solidify if you’re aware of the manipulation to begin with.

You can consciously choose to start manifesting solutions to ‘the way it is’ and make a new ‘the way it is’.

One by one the collective consciousness is changing, as more people share experiences with the divine – manifesting joy and love and solutions and magic. The belief from the masses gets thicker, expansive, they either question their own beliefs and what they are manifesting or they start solidifying these experiences that ‘cant be’ were supposed to be impossible, like miracle cures. There’s something more to it though.

Some people believe something that doesn’t manifest.

Channels would sy that its coming but you’re higher self wants you to experience something first.

I’m wondering whether its old programming that needs to be released/work on or that even I’m programmed to ‘think’ that I need to be reprogrammed / resolve it, and because I have this underlying belief, I won’t allow the new to manifest until I’ve resolved the old. Maybe out of fear that the old belief will manifest just when things are going good.

As in, you solidify a new belief. An old belief that you will mess with it keeps nagging at you. You can’t seem to solidify the new belief because the old belief is like malware- a virus lying dormant, that needs to be re-coded. It doesn’t, it would and could lay dormant. But if you’re a growth-seeking individual or if you’ve had a lot of un-serving-messy-beliefs in the past, you keep bringing them into you, so the logical thing to do is to resolve it / re-code it.

So what if helps to support the new belief that you are creating / desiring.

I love that I’ve come back to this: “This world is a delusion of our own making”

All truths are valid perspectives of creation.

All perspectives are explored. All perspectives help shape beliefs, which help shape what we solidify.

I believe we should help each other freely, give freely when we feel called to give. That nothing should be done with the intent to receive back/extract something from another. How do I create a reality where this reality that I want o see solidified, is not tainted by the collective belief of ‘you need money to survive, you can’t help others without money, you need to charge, etc’. It’s a challenge.






Penny (PennyButler.com)
Penny (PennyButler.com)

Truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and deeper, ever trying to 'figure it out'. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, & random points of interests.