Journey

Tonight I watched this in the bath and as she told her story, I realized that all of my “mental craziness” that I went through a few years ago, were real experiences, that I’ve been spending the past few years trying to “uncrazy” myself because it made more sense that what I witnessed was “wrong” than “everyone else”. Having a “knowing” of what I went through and trying to “make yourself wrong” even though you know you are not wrong.. is a fucking hard job, I swear… I was very dysfunctional. How do you uncrazy yourself? How do you navigate your life if you think that you are the crazy one and have to turn your life and beliefs upside down because you decide that you must be crazy if noone around you is experiencing what you are experiencing? That’s the life I’ve been living.

What she described .. were very resonate of the very experiences I’ve been trying to explain to people for years, obviously trying to get validation from others about my experience, and not getting it.

Now that I remember that I wasn’t crazy… I was stressed & going through a trauma, but not crazy… I need time to integrate and appreciate the gift that my guides gave me tonight – validation.

But I’ve spent so many hours and day and months trying to “auto-correct” my “wrong-thinking” that got me into so much strife when I stopped trusting my intuition and stopped trusting myself and stopped trusting my guides.

As I was deeply going through the emotions of realizing that what I had experienced really happened, and thinking what this means, I was also knowing that I went through the last few years in this hellzone for a reason too, that somehow I had chosen to experience this, that it was important too, but I also couldn’t help but feel so much grief for myself, for that missing heart, for the missing ‘unconditional love’, for the missing worldview – seeing all through the eyes of the divine, and I must also admit I felt myself being angry (or more like soul-anguish) with those who didn’t believe me and who put me on the path of self-doubt, even though – I have a knowing that it was supposed to play out that way somehow, that it was important for me to “walk through this world” with this experience, to know… what it’s like to go through the world with so much doubt, to have no trust in people, to feel crazy, to feel like noone will ever understand the depths of what I was hiding for the sake of sanity and for the sake of ‘not appearing crazy’ to others, to hold so much contempt for those that contributed to my suffering. So much has come up and I’m sure more will come up as I deal with this, but I feel … validated and I have a knowing that my heart will be restored, that I will feel love again, that I will return to a world with a much greater understanding of the experiences these last few years have brought and now can trust again, following my soul, and trusting that I am being led by divine will.

I do know that I was meant to do all the shadow work that I did, that I was meant to look back on my life and bring out all the traumas, look at all my fears, humble my ego, look at anything that ‘bothered me’, to take responsibility for my ‘dark side’, to look at ‘everyone else as innocent’ so that I could really work on my own flaws – and to know that it is a lifetime job, or ‘lifetime(s)’ job, that the whole hellfire experience was part of the journey, is part of the journey, is going to help others, did help me. I do pine though for that girl that was living in a higher state of being, a different dimension to this muddy one.

As I write this, I’m watching another NDE video and I came across another syncronicity. This guy (Alon Anava) at the 1hr 2min mark had the same experience as me. See my download of information from source post.

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