Full Breakdown of Mental Trauma over past few months – YouTube Therapy

IN Zzzz Boring Vlogs

Facing my “Abandonment” Victim stories.

What I discovered about myself by reviewing:

  • That I had like a martyr syndrome “wanting to save people” (need to feel needed? or something like that to work on)
  • Not to chase the high’s
  • Need to stay balanced and grounded and clear-headed
  • Addiction to evolving was hurting myself and others
  • I’m not ready to deal with stress
  • I’m not ready to deal with crazy experiences or dark conspiracies
  • Accepting that I really did go crazy last month
  • To remove spiritual & conspiracy stuff from my reality while I work through the new trauma’s I created during this time
  • To love myself more
  • That the path to take next is higher-consciousness, without the spiritual stuff (not listening to visions, dreams, or any other source other than working on my own addictions / feelings / emotions)
  • To work on any left over past trauma’s of abused/abandoned/hurt/unwelcome, etc. any lingering victim-mode stuff that I might still be holding onto
  • That intense (good or bad) intuitive feelings are actually a ‘warning sign’ that I’m experiencing some kind of trauma or pain, not something to follow
  • Don’t play with your beliefs just to see what will happen unless you’re in a safer place to do it
  • Euphoria when helping people (codependency/addiction cycle). This is where I go to the whole “trust their own soul’s journey” and I’m fine – I get to a healthier state, but in this case, I think with the other stresses / the topics brought up, and the other concerns going on with me, that I didn’t recognize it the whole time, and I got caught up in the “high” of feeling “needed”.
  • Probably more will be revealed to me potentially as each day more is unravelling.


What I talked about on video:

I was going to sit down and work on my self today, bring up all my past traumas and go through them until they no longer had any negative charge. But I found that I didn’t have negative charges on the one’s that I had assumed was the cause of whatever happened in the past few months. So I decided to sit down and record my thoughts, and really try and review the events and what was going on in my mind to figure out what happened, and what my actual trauma is – basically working out “what is, and what next”.

Looking over what I was into at the time:

  • The Law of One (Ra Material)
  • Dolores Cannon
  • Bentinho Massaro 
  • David Icke
  • Abraham Hicks, Bashar, Matt Khan
  • That we are all energy, that we create our own reality, and testing “playing with my own mind/beliefs” to see what was possible from this theory after having some success with instant manifestation and becoming obsessed with finding out “what else is possible” if you remove our limited beliefs
  • That we are a placebo effect, that everything is a permission slip, that what we experience in our reality is based purely on our beliefs/intentions and what ceiling we put on about what is possible
  • Parallel Realities, Downloads, Insights, Visions, Dreams, Soul Cards
  • Evil, Negative Entities, or Multi-dimensional beings.. good or bad, manipulating our lives
  • That life is a game with different levels and the people we meet and have a ‘calling’ towards, are those in that particular level of the game to learn/share – that we are soul family, here to help each other.

I was really crazy and the information I was believing and getting was completely scrambling my brain.

1.) My self-identity.. as in, embarrassing myself on YouTube, and at work, not knowing who I am and the sudden complete change in personality.

2.) Too much stress when I have been living a life of barely any stress.

– Savings being cleaned-out by Registration
– Christmas stress at work (retail store)
– Dark text messages from someone I was intimate with – completely changing my personality to “accept” him and have unconditional love & compassion for him… turning into some kind of “succubus” creature as a way to be “ok” with what I was “not ok” with.
– Text msg from mum telling me to move (stressed because I had just spent all my money on registration, still have a lot of stuff to get rid of, urgency of having to leave when I’m not ready… insecure… unwelcome.. unloved… )
– Putting all my things up for sale and creating a new website and putting stuff on gumtree, etc, and dealing with meeting up with new people to do the hand-over
– Delving deep into conspiracy theories
– Delving deep into “we create our own realities” and how far can we go – bad timing to get into this, as I was experimenting with “beliefs” – delibrately changing my view of the world, to “see what would happen”.. just how much control do we have and just how much can we manifest if we believe and remove our limiting collective beliefs – really poor timing to play with this


Penny (PennyButler.com)
Penny (PennyButler.com)

Who are we? What are we doing here? What is the meaning of life? Penny is a truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and deeper down the rabbit hole. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, whilst providing a searchable archive to easily lookup and reference.