Journey

Timely reminder. I experienced a Kundalini-psychosis triggered by a trauma of this umm “high” you get when you have a spiritual NDE-like experience and the world you know is no longer the same world – and the “fall from grace” when you realize noone else is seeing the same reality you are now experiencing (that others aren’t seeing each other as souls – and so all your “happiness” & new-found vitality and openness to life and the miracles you are witnessing … can be misconstrued in the general population as “too much” and terrifying or something to make fun of/disregard/shit-on… and self-doubt appears about whether you actually had anything magical happen at all… and everything closes up again.. your heart.. your crown.. your belief in the beyond… your trust in yourself and all others… and your ego uncovers all these “undealt-with” crappy things that are were buried & suppressed beneath the other stuff you had already released lol.. & you wonder where does it stop? I guess for some, you’re always still ever-got work to do as a mere-human to be balanced.)

This led to the proceeding ‘Dark Night’ so often talked about and scoffed-at as spiritual-bypassing, but not understood until you experience it yourself. A solitude walk through the hell-fire whilst having to pretend to have a normal kind of life (or maybe that is the definition of hell – the inability to find anyone who could possibly understand).

I kept expecting that any-day I would “snap back” to my happy, positive, loving-self lol because I had this underlying remembrance of this past surrender experience & all the grandiose awesomeness that came from that, as well as all the tools I got from that.. (which ironically, none of them work in the Dark Night.. the only way out of the dark night is to accept the unacceptable and that’s the paradox – you can’t accept the unacceptable lol).

And I’m still trying to understand, but this past-post reminds me of one of the darker-levels that I’ve already conquered, and that even if you conquer a darker-level, life is maybe always showing you the “next” phase that you’re ready for – that we’re always offered more catalysts (pos & neg) in life to learn/grow from… or we choose it, or I haven’t “got it” yet maybe, or maybe this is just uniquely my experience and interpretation.

We do need a ‘way of being’ that serves our own truth – everyone is at different levels of the game – their own unique level – their own unique version – their own unique catalysts that is teaching them whatever it is they are learning or for something new to experience for them to broaden their perspective on life.

I think a combination of shadow-work/facing-our-shit, coupled with optimism/faith that there is some benefit to be gained in your current catalyst, and always taking responsibility to consciously & decidingly level-up from whatever catalyst we’re faced with, not with force, but with gentleness and ease – because you can’t “force” yourself through anything as much as we want to be able to “snap out of despair” faster, or teleport to a different life lol.. and you can’t even force a surrender.

I think that pressure on ourselves to “snap back” to a point that we’re already beyond.. is the main reason we can’t. Because you’ve closed the door on the past – you’re always in the next “phase”, you’re always facing the “next” part of your journey. So you need to accept & deal with where you’re at, to balance yourself from whatever catalyst you are facing; to upgrade/level-up and use that catalyst for growth.

The know-it-alls are also the same “bozo’s” on this bus. They have their own interpretation that works for them, their own set of tools and advice they think will work to help others. But they’re still bozos on the same bus. Noone really knows what we’re doing here – they just decide whatever they want to believe from the experiences they’ve had so far, and they are working through life in their own way – as we all are.

I think this last one shocked me the most because I was higher/beyond anywhere I had been before – I thought I was “there”, and I was “flying too high”, so my ego was strutting around in a false sense of “invincibility” – I wasn’t expecting to fall from that place lol. I still need to balance myself. I still don’t trust other people, but I’m starting to trust my experiences again, because denying them to try and “be like others” was making me more crazy – it was denying a huge transformation of my own reality, and everything has been worse since trying to “make things fucking mainstream”.. my health, my self-esteem, my “wrongness”, my “hate” for myself and for not being understood, the suppression of all the “best/good stuff” that had ever happened to me and make them “wrong” because I can’t talk about it etc.. all triggers to see where in my life I was “seeking validation” from others and trying to “fit in” when I don’t really fit-in to the system at all.. I’m a sham lol.. mainstream makes no sense to me.. but yet I still seek to understand what you see.. in case it’s helpful to my own truth but I only see ways we can improve-upon what we’re doing here on earth and when I’m living a ‘lie’ – a mask to make you comfortable – because either everyone is pretending that the way we live is ok or they really don’t see it – I don’t know, but living a lie is a waste of a life.

I hope that I’m witnessing the last days of this dark night, that the lightworkers project and working on “stuff that matters to me” with other like-minds is my solution/path, because the current system isn’t working for me and others like me & when you’re at the end of your life – you think about these things.. about whether you wasted it conforming / “keeping the system going that you know is hurting people” and “living a fake life to gain acceptance and approval from others” instead of living true to your own soul, and taking a stand to do something that you feel is important while you are here – to not live in regret, but even after experiencing this insight years ago – I got “stuck” back in the system lol because of fucking money & bills – because of the “system” and because of martyrdom too (I did need this dark night to humble myself more too, to “come back to earth” & to get out of the conspiracy-field which was also screwing with my mind lol), so it’s not all bad… any-who…. /end brain-dump/release.

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