Don’t know where to start. Probably a few months ago, but I can’t remember details back that far, so I’ll start with Saturday night.
Saturday night I was watching Tarot & astrology readings for Pisces on youtube, just to see if they correlate with the tarot readings I’ve been giving myself lately and where they differ, and how I can better interpret my own reading, etc… basically trying to understand more, always trying to expand my understandings of the communication.
I honestly think everyone is getting these energies.. that the past and all their “un-dealt with stuff” is coming up to be cleared.. even more so in the past few weeks but definitely over the past few years.
If you’ve been following along as I’ve been sharing, the tarot has been coming up with the Tower and Death cards in every reading, and been in direct correlation with what is going on with my life (out with the old, in with the new)… moving house, getting past trauma’s, needing to find a way to support my lifestyle so that I can leave my day job, and moving towns, and negative vibes urging me to move on within a small time-frame where I don’t feel ready. But I’ve been “trusting” that it’s all for my benefit – that I asked for it, that I cannot move towards my destiny – what I’m here for, unless I dissolve the parts of me that is not supporting of where I’m heading.
Basically.. I’ve gone from panic-mode, to trusting that even though it all seems a bit shaky and scary, that it’s actually leading me to exactly where I am meant to be, that the universe is ready for me to step into who I am, and I need to trust that it has my back.
So anyway, along with the tower situation (which I refer to the moving of lives)… I’ve also been getting thoughts of the past (my biological dad who I’ve never met), and why I still felt um… “negatively attached”… an attachment to a guy that I got involved with last year that sent me into the pits of hell, where I was flying free and loving life and knowing where I’m going, and “being the light” for others… to the darkness of self-doubt, ego, anger, victimized, traumatized, and confused. At that time, I went from knowing and trusting the universe to the complete opposite. I cut myself off from everything. When we got together, I started getting visions and dreams… I’d never had visions before and at first I was excited about this new “power”, but the visions were never anything I wanted to believe – they were always showing the dark side of the other. I started seeing angels and demons at work (at least metaphorically).. where I could tell who was “in this movie scene” to help, and who was there to harm, who was light and who was dark, the positive/negative duality. It was difficult to try and have a normal mainstream view… I can’t believe I went to work all that time in the state of “psychosis” that I was in, where I didn’t know what was real, had really strong emotional feelings, and was very sensitive, and everything seemed to be falling apart.
I was not prepared for that, I didn’t expect it at all, and I wondered how the hell I had created it. Other things fell apart at the same time, which I won’t go into cos I really want to get to these syncronicities. But basically, I turned off everything because I wasn’t ready to deal with this stuff about the universe that I was still a newborn child at. I stopped listening to my intuition and started listening to those who doubted what I was experiencing… I started to believe I was nuts and that nothing I was experiencing could be real.. it had to be a mental condition.
So anyway, I watched this particular video from a psychic and the only thing I can remember about it was that she pulled a card “Dark Man”, which at the time, I thought she was talking about the guy that I still have negative-attachments too, that I couldn’t “Let go” of cos part of me still thought that I was still supposed to “help” his soul.. even though, I experienced hell-fire world, I thought the initial reason was still valid, that I couldn’t “move on” until he was ok, and another part of me was still really confused and hurt that nothing seemed to add-up in the whole scenario.
I just re-watched her video now that things have transpired.. these are my notes of the “gist” of her tarot reading:
Dark Male… Fun Times (outdoor event music, Past Love from a past-life (you might not want to hear from this person but it’s giving you a warning that he is trying to come back in or that you are healing your heart from a past love, dancing, celebrations, events). Pisces rules the past, you are always looking into the past. Maybe it’s about putting your past to the rest somehow. Maybe you are healing your heart from the past. You are going to have a fun time together. Ace of Cups – you are feeling happy, peaceful, you feel like you got everything in front of you – you are looking forward to everything. Connecting with past-life love. This person is putting you on a pedestal, you are feeling very important, this is helping you heal the past love. The past love will wash-away out of your dna/mindset. Put to rest. Name or initial is a “W”.
Fast forward to Sunday morning, and I’m recording a video on the way to work. Looking at the situation again from another perspective. Over the past 10 months, I’ve seen the same scenario with thousands of different perspectives, always trying to find clarity to a confusing situation. This time, I recorded the video with seeing myself through his eyes, and I got a different perspective again. I also had a knowing that I truly had to forgive him & let him go, and saw it as a spiritual lesson for myself, that “any” attachment feeling at all, was what we had to work on. Whether it felt good or bad, any kind of “needing anything” from another, was a “negative attachment” that needed to be transmuted ~ transcended. That any kind of “expectation” from another, was where “we” need to look deep into ourselves and see where our own wounds are,… that are mirrored in these scenarios. That the hurt/want/need.. is a reflection of something within us – a programme that is running, that no longer serves our life. That it’s showing us where “we” need to work on ourselves, where we need to forgive ourselves, have love and compassion for ourselves, and understand that everyone else is at where they are at, they are acting from their own wounds and beliefs and perspectives, and that nothing is as black n white as we seem to think it is.
When I got to work, I felt something had “shifted”. I was calm. I was positive. I was clear. I felt that there was no longer a negative attachment to him. I had seen a new way of the scenario, one that taught me the ultimate in forgiveness, to him, and for myself. (Mind you, this wasn’t just a 10 minute thing.. this was an ongoing 10 month forgiveness & shadow work, this was just the “last slither” of being honest with myself, of facing my own truth).
I breezed through work that day, and at the end of the day, I was sitting in the back of my van (still sitting in the staff car park), deciding whether or not to go to a “bush event” that I had been invited to. I pulled out the oracle answers deck that I had brought with me, and was asking questions. (I usually sit at the back of my van and have a cig before I take the 45min-long drive home)
I was shuffling and a couple of cards fell out of the deck…. “Wait. Opportunity”..
I’m like, you mean wait here? “Yes”
Right here in the staff car park? “Look for a sign”
A sign here, now, in this moment? “Yes! Opportunity”
To do with this lingering negative attachment? “Yes” “Romance”
And I looked up right at that moment and couldn’t believe what I saw.
In one moment, I got the truth, I finally got to see the truth to my visions.
Confirmation of my visions that I had last year… my rubix cube came back together. It was a flood of gratefulness…. a validation that I wasn’t crazy – that everything that I had experienced, although fucking weird to my mainstream brain… was true, was actually true… I could trust myself completely again.
If I hadn’t of looked up at that moment, I would never of seen it.
One moment, changed everything for me. Confirmation of everything that I “knew” but couldn’t prove and so couldn’t move on with my life……… because without confirmation, “I was nuts – delusional – all in my head”. The secrets that were being kept from me, probably so that they don’t “hurt” me, was actually the thing that was holding me back in trusting my own intuitive knowings.
Everything changes now. Unbelievable.
I was so grateful to “whatever it was that communicated” through those cards that got me to look up at that moment and see my vision in the flesh. I could “trust” myself again.
I don’t regret the past 10 months of lessons, because whilst I thought I was insane, I went through and did a lot of shadow work – looking at my own childhood wounds and dealing with all the things that we never look at under a magnifying glass… .like, if I had’ve trusted my visions back then, I wouldn’t of done all this self-healing-work, I wouldn’t of “dealt with my shit” that actually still needed to be dealt with. I would’ve felt powerful and not taken a look at where “I” was not complete. And now I see the importance of doing that kind of ‘wounded-child’ shadow work – for life – as it comes up to be dealt with – like, as you move through your life, sometimes you are ready to deal with your past traumas, and instead of trying to shrug them off and bury them again, you look at them closely and see it from multi-dimensional angles until you can look at the situation with love and understanding for the ‘bigger picture’… seeing how it fits in and if it no longer serves your life to be feeling this way (and it wouldn’t be brought up, if it wasn’t ready to be dealt with), then it’s time to look at it and give it loving attention until you can see it from the expansive grand-plan view of this multi-dimensional game we are playing.
Having that “live conversation” with “whatever it is”, and watching it unfold in “real time” was like magic.. it was incredible.
A renewed trust in the divine order of things.. and divine timing, that was.. just..seriously cool.. 10months of uncertainty confirmed with a live convo with the tarot, and only after dealing with all aspects of the situation – including that morning, where “I” saw “myself” through his eyes, was all part of it. And seeing it from soul-level. It’s all part of it.
Like, it’s not just this 3d-interaction that we’re having with this reality, we’re having multi-dimensional experiences from the same scenarios.. every movie-scene in our life has multi-layered, multi-dimensional lessons, experiences, and our ego-self .. the one that is our .. .”avatar” in the “3d” dimension, isn’t privy to the rest of the picture, we are conditioned to only see and feel and experience from it’s own shell, but this “change” of the matrix.. this .. energy that is changing humanity who is experiencing this reality… some people are now able to see.. from a more expansive point of view.. they can see it from other aspects, but who knows how expansive this universe goes… like even seeing it from these hundreds of different parallel experience versions of these scenarios.. there might be so much more.. we might be a mere cell in an infinite number of cells.
I was like WOAHHHHHHHH!!! Holy Moly!! You guys really DO exist!!! and out came 2 cards – “Trust. Ask your Angels”. hehe
(By the way, I’ve asked like 500 questions to find out “who or what the angels are and haven’t been able to come to any conclusions yet, that’s why I say “whatever it is that is communicating” I’m thinking an expanded version of ourselves or something very similar. Like, possibly, the version of us or that part of us that can see from an expanded perspective.)
Last year I lost my mind cos I didn’t want to believe what I saw in my visions. And I haven’t had any visions since. Just as I’ve been stepping back into this world (cos I don’t resonate with mainstream thinking at all), and asking for “baby-steps”.. .instead of “the answers to everything” hehe… like, asking for things to be revealed to me at a pace where I can integrate a little easier and smoother.
But now I know my visions are real, it’s not as scary anymore. If I can trust them, maybe I can allow them back in, as long as it doesn’t disturb my life too much. I have been walking around with no proof of anything except what my mind showed me and my gut felt, but no words were on my side.. lol.. the words were all pointing to me being crazy, and the secrets were successfully kept from me, so that I wouldn’t know until I was ready – until I had done work on myself. And at the time, I really wanted to trust in people… so I didn’t want to believe in the visions I was getting cos they were so dark, and I was so full of love and light and one-with-everyone at the time.. like giddy high.. so i was also in that state of mind where we “create our own realities” and i was like.. how am i manifesting this? and trying to “shoo my negative visions away” to create a more positive outcome… but what they were actually showing me.. was the truth.
Free to trust my intuition now, free to trust what I see/feel.. instead of always trying to manipulate my surroundings to be “positive”.. to trust in truth.. in duality, and that it’s all there for us to access.
Walking around with self-doubt about trusting my own intuition.. not even being able to trust myself, was the worst period of my life.. like… you can’t do anything because you can’t trust your own mind. So this was an absolute gift from the Gods :)
Life is duality. We’re here to experience the whole spectrum of emotions available to us, not just the light ones.
I’ve learnt so much about myself in these past 10 months… all the wounds that came up all open and raw for me to work on.
Trust in divine timing.
Trusting the universe. Trusting the divine plan.
Ok, so I get home and I’m tired, but I still feel like I’m supposed to go to that bush event.. that I will “find the others” there, that is part of the unfolding. I decide to have a shower and get ready and see if I can get a 2nd-wind, get rejuvenated, and then I’m sitting down on my sister’s lounge room floor and I’m doing tarot trying to get the tarot to give me permission to stay home and rest lol.. cos it had already been a long, long day and I was wanted to really integrate what had just happened, but the tarot kept on telling me to go to the event.
Eventually at about 10:30pm (I guess), with encouragement from my sister, I decided to go.
I setup 2 different satnav’s because I really wanted to go the “Google” way (my mobile) but knew that my phone was unreliable in bush areas, so the other satnav was setup as a backup to take-over if/when the mobile lost its’ signal. So I’m travelling and several hours later, I’m completely & utterly lost. Satnav is telling me to go left, Mobile is telling me to go right and I have no service on my mobile to call or “get it to update”, so I decide to go with the Satnav which still had GPS signal and asked the universe to “show me a sign”.
I’m driving down these dark roads in the middle of nowhere and I’m looking for a sign.. something that will guide me to where I’m supposed to go, and suddenly I see this African guy running on the side of the road. It’s 1:30am in the morning and he’s just running along – I can’t see him, only the white part of his jacket, and I pull over.
I got out of the van and started talking to him, asking where he wants to go but knowing that “he is my sign”, that he will help guide me back on track, and knowing that he is coming with me to the party (but my 3d ego not saying it). He said he was going to Daylesford – I said I’m nowhere near Daylesford.. I’m heading to Lederberg state park for a festival. He said.. Daylesford is just down the road.
I have no idea how I ended up near Daylesford – so far out of my way, it’s crazy. It’s like the universe sent me to pick him up and take him to the party lol. He was my “guide” to get back on track.
He was drinking with friends and suddenly got the urge to go to Daylesford and pick up a caravan, so he was running along and he also knew, even though it was in the middle of the night, that someone would pick him up.
He asked if he could come to the party.. I said sure thing, and we spent the next hour talking about the universe and syncronicities and how crazy it was that I ended up picking him up. We get to Lederberg State park and I didn’t have any directions.. I assumed it would be easy to find but 1 hour driving around in the middle of dirt tracks and bush, I still couldn’t hear music or see any people or anything. I was running out of petrol and was starting to get a bit nervous that we’d never find it.
I had a feeling to keep going straight ahead since I didn’t have any directions, I expected it would be easy to find, and he had a feeling to turn down another track. So I stopped the car so we can discuss our intuition and decide which way to go cos we couldn’t waste any petrol going in the wrong direction, then all of a sudden, a car comes up the road. And in the back of the car… is a family friend – of the guy that I had picked up! lol. They gave directions and we arrived at the festival at 3:30am.
So many cars and campsites, and we could hear the music and see the bush was was all lit up like .. lots of LED lights and robots and light shows and stuff – even a portaloo!
My mobile phone was completely out of battery by that time, so I recorded a little bit with my flipcam (which sucks for night-recording)
We walk down to the party and I can’t believe my new friend.. he fits right in, he’s straight up to the DJ and he’s getting along with everyone immediately, like instant-connection… “meant to be there” for sure – they loved him.
I decide to walk back to my van cos I was in high heels walking in mud lol, and he came with me. I got changed and I gave him my dad’s jacket to wear and a hoodie of mine cos it was absolutely freezing, and then we walked around the campfires looking for my friend that had originally invited me.
We end up walking behind a couple of slow-walkers and just as we reached them, we said hello and then all of us had a group conversation and became buddies for the night.
The tarot had kept coming up with a card about the festival that I would “Find a mentor”, or that I “am” a mentor (the card can be interpreted either way) and they were offering us drugs and I said that I wasn’t there for drugs, I was there because the tarot said that I would find the others and that I might find a mentor here after a kundalini experience that I had last year – or at least someone that has experienced what I have so that I can talk about it with someone.
One of the guys said he used to hold Kundalini workshops/seminars. I’m like woah. He said he thought he would find a “wanderer” here.
And then he said where do you live? Sydenham I said.
He said no way – I’m 5 minutes down the road at Keilor Downs.
I said wow, really? I live in my van out the front of my sister’s house.
He said what? I live in my van out the front of my brother’s house..
Syncronicity established, we ended up chatting for the next few hours.
I’m starting to feel tired, so around 7am, I head back to the van for some sleep. Around 8am, my “Dark man” (I call him dark man cos of the Tarot reading) came knocking on my van asking me to drop him back.. he wanted to leave but I hadn’t had enough sleep and he was completely wasted and I was out of petrol and it was too early to try and find an answer to that problem. He said he could drive which I got a big “no way” from, especially cos he had clearly been having a lot of fun lol.
He kept my dad’s jacket, we exchanged contact details and then he disappeared and I haven’t seen him since, so I hope he got a lift with someone cos it was absolutely freezing cold and we were in the middle of nowhere and if he didn’t get a lift, then I’m worried about his safety. The previous few hours, we had already agreed that another guy would drive him back (the kundalini guy) because he wanted to check out his property for future events, but in his current state, he had the calling, and he really wanted to “go”. He said “my task here is done”.
I got up in the afternoon and my first thought was my petrol problem, I didn’t want to be stranded out there with no phone signal and not enough petrol to get out of the forest. I consulted the tarot, and it kept coming out with these 2 cards “Let Go” and “Trust”.
I talk to a few people and one of them hit their head on the back of my van, so I decided to move my van, put some oil and water in, and drive up to another campsite (where the 2 guys we had met the previous night were camped).
I get there, and start to walk back to the party when one of them showed up with his girlfriend – they’re about to drive to try and find a spot where they can get phone service so that they can check their flight-times for the next day to see if they can stay another night or not.
I wonder if I can come with them or drive behind them or something so that if my van dies, I’ve got “help at hand”, and they said no worries. I said when are you leaving? They said 5-10 minutes. So I walk down to the party to see if my friend had arrived and see if “dark man” was still around, and as I was walking back, I noticed someone else who was trying to get petrol from another person’s car. I said wow, someone else with the same problem as me, and told him that I was heading to a service station if he wants to come along and fill the tank.
Another guy asks if I can fill up his petrol for his generator, and I said no worries.
I’m walking towards my van and as I arrive, I noticed one of the guys putting petrol into my van! He had gone for a walk and found someone with spare petrol and had already paid them for the petrol – amazing.
The other guy who had ran out of petrol and his girlfriend walked up to my van, and I said I can only fit one passenger, and then the other guy (kundalini guy) came up and said that he would come, so we would go and get the fuel and bring it back for them.
It took us an hour to get to the nearest petrol station – it was 5:30pm and the station was closing at 6pm (It was a public holiday and a small town), and she said that the supermarket also closes at 6pm, so we filled up and went around to the supermarket for some food, and drove back to camp.. took around 2 hours to get the petrol cos the bushtracks are so windy and trees everywhere that you have to drive like 0-10km. By the time we arrived back, the out-of-petrol guy had given up on us and had gotten a lift with someone to try and find us because he thought we had run out of petrol somewhere (How nice.. they were on a rescue mission!) hehe.
That was crazy seeing all of that unfold within a few minutes.
Me and Kundalini went to his van cos it was freezing and he had a heater in there and now because of our petrol-trip, a working generator to run the heater & lights, and so we sat in the van and talked. He was telling me about all the psychedelic drugs and marijuana and all that kind of stuff, which is not why I was there, and I wasn’t interested in taking anything. He said he had taken his son to one of these events and his son came up to him after trying something like DMT or acid or similar and said “I understand everything now dad”.
Somehow in his convincing ways, he convinced me to take “half” an acid trip. I took it and was sitting there normally and I don’t know when it “kicked in” but when it did, somewhere over the next hour, I suddenly was taken to a different dimension. Same movie screen and no way of really being able to convey what I experienced (but I’ll do my best), but it was like the same feeling of deep meditation, like, when you are “awakened slightly from a dream” and you are in-between worlds where you “know where you are” but you are experiencing the same movie screen from a different perspective. It was like a deep meditatitve state and what I was hearing was him.. but when I would slightly “come out of it”.. and become aware of my surroundings again, he was like “huh, what?”.. like, we were experiencing a shared transfer of knowledge from the universe and I was hearing him talking, but I think “they” were using him as a channel to give me messages.
When I was still “in 3d”.. I started seeing a neon blue eye with eye-lashes.. blinking at me, when I closed my eyes. In the distance and then close-up, and then in the distance again. I didn’t mention it, but it was shortly after seeing that eye, that I drifted into that other space.
I don’t know yet if he was consciously aware of what he was saying to me (I will send a message to him and ask him after I write this, but I want to get all this out while I still remember)
But he was saying how I was a powerful healer, with many gifts to give humanity, that it’s time to become who I’m meant to be and transfer and share knowledge with the others. I can’t remember all the stuff he said over those 8 hours. Some of it was just gibberish, other stuff was profoundly “other-worldly” and other stuff got my defenses kicking-in.
8 hours I sat in the one spot, with maybe 2 cigarette breaks. I had my eyes closed and when I opened them, I was in the van but felt like I was on a rocking boat, when I closed them, I re-entered that “state between two worlds”, and I didn’t want to leave, and it was comforting knowing that he seemed to be ok with me just sitting there… like, I wasn’t getting pressured to go down to the party of leave that spot I was in, I was just … “in that deep awareness”, that space between two worlds, transferring information.
He was doing reiki on me, and teaching me how to reiki back. My defences were still there, I was still .. normal Penny with her fence up around her soul and being – ensuring that I didn’t “lose control” and being aware that I really don’t know this guy and that I was on a drug with this guy and not to trust everything that I was experiencing, that I was experiencing an altered state of awareness and to just learn as much as I can while I’m in this state and just “be with it”. I was very aware that he might of had more romantic notions than I did, and that I wanted to make sure that this was pure and divine experience, not “tainted” with anything unholy.
I felt “initiated” into this other world, that I was coming into who I am, that I am a natural healer and a mirror, and that my purpose was clearer for what I’m here to do, and that part of the experience is this transferring of wisdom between souls, that there are going to be connections like this, where you need to just “be” and trust and transfer, and yet, I was fully aware that I didn’t “completely” trust, yet I knew I was safe.
It was like showing a mirror on me on how I “keep people at a distance”, showing me how “little child Penny” protects herself psychic-ally. Why I’m not “too close” with people, where I have barriers and walls up. Where I am my own prisoner, and that I need break free of that, but that I still need to know my own borders, and be true to me, to trust where I’m at.
Sitting in the same spot for 8 hours.. not moving, just deep in meditation/wisdom transfer.
Very amazingly natural.
Only concern for me was his intentions, that might stem from my own unhealed traumas that I might still have floating around in my programming, but that my intuition is still to be trusted because it might not be “ill-intentions” and it doesn’t feel like “ill intentions”, just “different” intentions. That I’m not romantically interested in anyone at the moment, and that I’m not here to “save” him, that in some ways, he was my healer, and in other ways, I was his healer, but there is still a lot to learn between us, more knowledge to be transferred.
I just re-watched this lady’s video.. and now I’m wondering whether this is what it is. That this guy was either someone from my past-life, or and that this was the initiation into a peaceful resolution for my past life loves or the healing / letting go of the other one.
I don’t know about doing a trip again, because I want to “trust” what I’m getting, and in an altered state, it is not as trustworthy (to my ego-3d-self) as what you witness unfolding from a 3d viewpoint. That things could get “muddy” if you do too many – as I witness a lot of people who are addicted to drugs and can’t wait to “get out of body”… so they no longer value the experiencing of the plethora of experiences that we have available to us here, now, in physical form – that we are here in these 3d bodies to experience the full spectrum of emotions that are available from being present in 3d, but that our curiosity for wanting more, plus the new energies that seem to be hitting our timeline right now, means we can experience “more” than… we can witness from all different perspectives, and see how the “system” is designed for us to keep this part of us “closed up”.
But as I see myself here helping others through their awakening, I don’t want to also become addicted to these altered states, unless I’m able to reach it naturally from breathing and deep meditation, etc, rather than taking something that seems to turn them all a bit … erratic.
Now I feel the need to ask the cards some more information about this connection to Kundalini guy, which I don’t feel is romantic, but maybe he does, or maybe it is a past-life connection or here to heal a past life connection… and so I’ll ask now and see what comes up.
Truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and deeper, ever trying to 'figure it out'. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, & random points of interests.