Shadow Work – checking default old programming / subconscious auto-reactions

IN Vlog

Nutshell Version: My experiment to try and discover my automatic programming & beliefs that don’t serve me, and time to create new habits that will make my future self happy. Reconnecting to humanity, back in a state of love consciousness. And clips from my ‘drunk’ experiment. Refocusing on what’s important in the grand scheme of things.

Original (Longer) version

Longer Version: 

I’ve been finding myself a bit stuck. I’ve been really happy that I have learnt how to live in the moment, to love where I am, to live in the now. It has served me really well and helped me so much over the past year. I have learnt not to run away from my dead past and not to live in the imagined future. Staying present and being grateful for all that is, has healed me in so many ways.

But I noticed that I’ve become a bit stagnant. Living the same days over and over. Eating the same things, watching the same things, doing the same habits over and over and not really moving forward with my life. So I want to really start looking at taking steps towards creating a future – without doing what I used to do and being “stuck” there.. always chasing, never enjoying the moment. I want to find the middle ground, the balance, where I am taking steps to make my “future self happy” and still enjoy where I am.

So that’s what I will be working on in the coming weeks, designing the next steps and then taking the steps needed, whilst still finding a way to live and enjoy the now moment which is the only moment we are really living.

And aside from that.. or on the same subject, but I’ve also been talking to people lately about our auto-pilot beliefs.. the words, actions, thoughts, and beliefs that we “default” back into when we are not in a state of awareness.

When we are not consciously considering and questioning our beliefs, when we are not aware – we default back to the lifetime of conditioned beliefs.

And I wanted to explore what mine are, to see if I still run an automatic program when I’m out of awareness. I know I must have beliefs in here that are not serving me, but how much work do I still have to do on myself? I know I have developed some good habits that have become a new program that I am defaulting to, but I was curious about what else is in there that I can explore that may be interfering with my life.

When you are anxious, in a state of fear or anger, and when you are drunk – that’s when you normally default back to your past automatic programming.

  • That’s when you hear your mother or father’s words come out of your mouth.
  • That’s when you hear things come out of you that you don’t actually mean to say.
  • You might say hurtful or nasty things or things you don’t even believe yourself – you are running on auto-pilot.

We have a thought and all these neurons are fired.. like strands.. some of these neurons serve us, and some of them are from past control, past beliefs, that may of served us at one time but are not who we want to be, not how we want to feel, not what we meant to say.

So to improve myself and to be more “myself” whatever that is, even when I’m running on auto-pilot.. I wanted to find out what was still in there.

And barring the fact that I have no access to DMT or any other kind of psychedelics that might actually be an super-fast shortcut way to explore all these demons that run our lives when we are not paying attention..

I thought that it might come out in me if I get blind drunk one night. I don’t drink anymore, haven’t in years. Too much of a control freak. Didn’t like losing control. Too many bad memories of bad things happening when I drink, too scared of what I might say.

So last night I decided to do the experiment and see what I can find out.. record myself being drunk, write, and think in this new “state” of when I’m “out of control” of my mind.

I’m happy and surprised to report that at least for last night – I was actually pretty much the same as I am now. Maybe a bit drowsy, sleepy-sounding, still rambling and still a bit conscious that my beliefs are not the same as others and that was clear upon listening to my drunken state – that I’m still trying to understand why we have such different beliefs and why people say the mean things that they say, but for the most part, it looks like I held the same beliefs when I was drunk as when I was sober which was very encouraging and surprising to me.

Anyway, I feel like I’m back to myself, that some kind of healing came over me last night. I reconnected to my beliefs, I reconnected to all the good in the world. I’m in a state of bliss, a trance that I wish I could share with others. I wish I could share this feeling with you, this love, this connection. I wish I could bottle it up and give you some, because there is nothing like this feeling except maybe love – when you are in a state of love.. although this is just a bit better because it doesn’t require the energy of another human to reach it.

I know I won’t stay in this state of awareness. It’s not like you get some kind of enlightenment level or certain stage of consciousness and can “stay there”.. unless you are Buddha or the Dalai Lama or a monk or something that has the skills and ability to stay in that state.

For us mere mortals hehe.. you are constantly winding through the stages because of all the mixed messages we get from society and our upbringing and the experiences we’ve had to date… you go to different levels and you step in and out the matrix.. and that’s a good place to be anyway. Noone will resonate with me when I’m in this state of bliss, and I don’t resonate when I witness someone else going through it either.

Because we are each having our own experience, on our own journey – here for whatever we are here for, enjoying the show.

So as much as I would love to stay here, in this wonderful state of love for humanity, and this wonderful feeling that surrounds my soul and spreads out to all those who I think about…

I know that in reality, it will probably disappear tomorrow – usually the second I walk into work or any other kind of place where I’m surrounded by negative energies..

I’ll be at a different level tomorrow, having a different experience, in a different state of awareness. You can’t really have a normal job and stay in the clouds.. the 2 are mutually exclusive. You can stay pretty high though, and you can keep yourself out of the darkest / lowest phases by staying in a state of awareness.. but you can’t be off in another world and be present in a workplace.

So today, I’m going to enjoy this feeling as long as I can, remember this moment, and hope to one day find a way to share this feeling of connection with everyone. To find a way for everyone to be able to tap-into this source of happiness, and healing.

In the meantime, this week I’ll be at work during the day and working on my goals and bucket-listand steps I wish to make an automatic habit in my life and steps I need to take for my future self, and hopefully more research and experimenting to see how I can reach this feeling more often, and how we can tap into it whenever we need it. To step out of the matrix and view the universe in a completely different way – that helps us refocus on what is important, and what is just not important in the grand scheme of things.

Penny (
Penny (

Who are we? What are we doing here? What is the meaning of life? Penny is a truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and deeper down the rabbit hole. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, whilst providing a searchable archive to easily lookup and reference.