[QA] The great thing about Depression

IN Dark Night of the Soul
[QA] Van Life, Relationships, Downsizing, Drama, Fears

Comment about Asking for Help:

Ya gotta work things at your own pace and go through the journey your way – however you feel called to do it. Personally I have a +1 experience of living in the now and changing my perspective of my dead past and imagined future.. went through hell, universe kicked my ass to the curb — down, down, down I went.. then tried lots of things to try and crawl out of the hole I lived in… but ultimately the answer (for me) was taking control of how I felt in the now.. was a dark journey but I like my life now (whether its wrong or right – it serves me to think as I do, and that’s the reason I stick with it), and hoping that one day I have the right words to help others get out of the darkness too – but I’m still .. I dunno – I can’t stay on the same frequency / same page as the people I want to help cos I’m riding a whole different wave.. but hoping that I can resonate with whoever I’m ‘meant’ to help one day. But do agree that everything I went through – every experience – every trauma – all the great teachers I read – and every healing modality I tried – were collectively the reason why I feel the way I do today..

Could I have taken a shortcut? Maybe.. Probably… I have no idea – I like to think that what I know now can help others out of their darkness – but when I was going through my own darkness, noone could reach me and I didn’t reach out for help, nor want to be near anyone that I might “infect” with my poisonous energy.

However maybe it was these seeds that people planted – the paragraphs I read while researching – … over and over getting called to the same solution but I didn’t “see it” until I was “ready” to see it, until it “clicked” for me or maybe until I had completely given in and let it consume me instead of trying to avoid facing it all – I dunno. I spent 2 years researching health & mindset non-stop like from the moment I woke to the moment I slept – and taking baby-steps towards a better life… the combination must’ve sunk-in – piece by piece finding things that helped me grab another notch … and gradually re-configured my mindset to the views I have now – which doesn’t really match a lot of the stuff cos it’s ‘a bit from here’ & ‘a bit from there’ – my own unique crazy interpretation of the world that helps me lol

I’m glad you are courageous enough to reach out, and hope that whatever you are called to do helps you out of the darkness too. Personally I believe our “intentions” are what heals us, so it really doesn’t matter what we end up choosing as our method of healing.. as long as we believe it will work for us.. xo

Comment on the great thing about Depression:

That’s your doorway to your awakening.. it means you’re not happy with the way things are.. you feel suffocated… you need this time first..or at least, that’s how some of us get there.. I never thought id see the light again.. I “let go” … that depression & darkness.. I reckon that was crucial for me.. I don’t think id see life like this.. if I hadn’t of been through that..

I’ve been saying for a couple of years.. that there is no such thing as evil.. but a healer that I have been following on facebook for a little while.. says he gets rid of people’s demons.. evil-spirits.. etc. and another person I met once said he gets rid of evil spirits out of people.. so I don’t know.. I guess I try to focus only on the positive cos i was so dark .. and now I just want to see the light.. so maybe there is truth to what he says.. that evil/demons (and I would have to call it negative energy to fit into my beliefs.. but same diff!).. get attached to people.. but I think it’s less likely that this kind of thing can happen to someone who is only focusing on love / as in, that unconditional intention again.. they could be bringing it on themselves.. attracting the worst.. becoming the thing they fear .. so whilst what they say might be true.. I focus my intentions on the opposite because that is more serving to me and my life

My answer to that is going to be very hippie lol. First, we need to awaken from our slumber and start thinking again.. start questioning everything.. a lot of what is happening is just cos everyone feels powerless to change it.. so they went to sleep (turned a blind eye.. conformed.. obeyed)..or they were born into that belief already.. and then.. we can make some changes.. but not through violence or anger or protesting or any of that… that just brings more .. hate.. that brings more war.

I just don’t see how hate is going to be the solution to the shit that is going on in the world.. I just can’t see a win for hate.

When I was the most depressed, the most dark, people were talking about positive thinking and love and I could’ve killed them lol…I studied mindset for years even before the darkest times.. I even had an extremely large community of people about “The Law of Attraction” etc from The Secret.. but even that knowledge didn’t help me when my life fell apart.

My “Leverage the Secret” community had thousands of members.. I just deleted it.. lol.. just .. like.. “that shit dont work”.. but it actually is pretty close…. they just left the key things out of it. and I have no idea why.. maybe they don’t know.. or maybe they did it deliberately.. or maybe accidentally… still struggling to work out why the movie was too um.. incomplete

I really resonate with Wayne Dyer’s latest book.. although my beliefs are crazier than his.. but I think he’s gone too .. umm.. “resonate with the masses” way… but I think he gets it.. I do.. and I didn’t resonate with some of the other stuff he put out.. but his latest one talks about his life and how this moment led to that moment.. its more of a biography.. and maybe he doesn’t see it the same way as I do.. but I can see how his intentions made his reality the way it is.

I wish I had an easy way to explain what I feel about things.. I dont think it’s going to be easy though, but I’m going to attempt it anyway, and I feel I have to do it soon… like, in case I die. I should at least get the gist out there.. to at least get some people thinking in a different way so that they can explore it further.

Otherwise we are just living someone else’s experience.. we get new angles, new insights, new knowledge, by doing it our own way.. but learning from others.. getting new ideas from others that help us.. I “hate” people telling me what to think lol.. I think my video explained that lol.. I want to think for myself – right or wrong whatever.

I am open to all the ideas that come in.. from others, and from when my mind goes quiet.. and from my thinking mind.. but I still like to put the pieces of the puzzle together myself.. some things I don’t resonate with now.. but may resonate with at a later time, when I’m having a different experience.

I read a book “Handbook to Higher Consciousness’ when I was younger.. it went straight over my head.. it was all mumbo-jumbo to me.. I read it a decade later – and I still couldnt get my head around it.. I read it just after I started waking up.. and it was soooo helpful.. so insightful.. so key to my healing.. but now.. I could re-write it in a different way because of the unique journey I’ve been on since – sometimes we are just not at a stage in our lives where it holds any meaning.. or just doesn’t resonate.. we just get a “no” at this time for whatever reason.. but then we remember it at a time when we get a “yes” for it.. when we need it.

I don’t think the beliefs that I used to have were wrong.. they helped me at the time.. some of the beliefs that I no longer believe.. were very important in my healing.. they were my reality then and they served me well, now my new beliefs are what are serving me.




My truth changes, I have many truths that would contradict each other if not for knowing that the universe is beyond my ant-understanding & that being aware and changing your beliefs to serve you at any given moment gives you an ability to create a reality that serves you and is enjoyable to live in – where every experience is knowledge/wisdom. If I took on a belief and decided to make it my “forever” and live unconsciously – then I would miss the most bizarre and wonderful experiences that make life – amazing and highly entertaining hehe. There were beliefs that I had throughout my healing that absolutely helped me through that time – from my research into biology and cellular regeneration, etc. That really helped me gain more power and control over my intentions. But now my beliefs are the intentions itself are what healed me.. but without the research, I might not of had such powerful intentions… because the beliefs in the things I was doing were “healing me”, made my cells respond better… but I also know I have the power to use intentions to do other things in my life & take myself beyond the point that I’m at, both in health and creating a better world – I just haven’t yet harnessed it to be able to do it at will because of my limiting beliefs .. (poverty mindset, lifetime programming that I’m still trying to re-program, etc)


What has helped me most during the past darkest times, is changing my reality to fit my situation. I don’t know if I’m right or not that we are here to experience – that we are here to learn – and there is no.. um.. like, wrong way per-say.. like we can’t “avoid” the experiences that we end up in… they are there, they happened, we’re in it but.. we can either choose how to perceive the moment that we’re in, we have complete control over how we feel in this moment – and that’s a gift bestowed upon all of us – we all have the ability to change our perceptions and beliefs and to make ‘whatever is happening’ be for a good reason and receive the lessons and wisdom they provide us, or we can choose to make it for a bad reason and become a victim of our circumstance.

I choose the powerful way now… that I am ok with what is.. because that serves me best. When I was a “victim” – when I was blaming “others” for how I felt and the circumstances I found myself in.. all it did was bring more of the same, because my negative view is like a magnet that attracts more – because it was in me.. if you look at the world through the lenses of defeat and darkness, that’s how you view everything – including the miraculous things that we come across every day of our lives.. we no longer live in gratitude for being able to have this experience…
Feel free to ramble & express away here hehe.. I love people who are exploring their truths because I know how therapeutic it is to be able to speak what is on your mind and figure out whether what you are believing in this current moment is serving you or getting in your way – it helps me too :) And it helps others who come across it question their own beliefs too. And it helps make room for new insights to come in and help us through the next experience xo




Re: growing up as oldest
I got to a place where I chose to believe that we chose this reality… as in, maybe before we were born.. we decided we wanted to try out a certain experience.. right or wrong – it’s a belief that serves me.. because no matter what I go through, I can gain knowledge & experience out of it.. rather than seeing it all as “done to me”.. I take back my power and try and learn what I can in the moment.. but I didn’t think about any of this for the first 37 years.. maybe sometimes it gleaned through but then I lost it lol.. but when I think this way.. life is much better.. because I can be “ok” with what is.. I’m no longer a victim of circumstance.. when something happens.. it is just another learning experience. I don’t usually remember it while Im going through something hard though – I still lose my shit! lol But when I remember, it’s a very helpful reality to take on.. as in, I no longer care if it’s the “correct” way of thinking because it’s a belief that helps me get through really bad times and not live in the past.



Penny (PennyButler.com)
Penny (PennyButler.com)

Who are we? What are we doing here? What is the meaning of life? Penny is a truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and deeper down the rabbit hole. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, whilst providing a searchable archive to easily lookup and reference.