[QA] Being Fake, No Job Resonates after you Awaken

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  • Updated:6 years ago
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Comment on increasing confidence by recording videos:

I’m using my videos as a way to build confidence in front of the camera and to improve my video skills for a business I am working on. Kinda cringe at all of them at the moment… but hope if I keep at it, that it will steadily get better. I’m more comfortable knowing that hardly-anyone is viewing them, and I’m not yet confident posting them to Facebook (I’m more at-ease showing complete strangers who at least resonate with the van-life or the optimal-living stuff than to the potential judgement from friends/co-workers). Doing a daily video challenge at the moment… hoping that by the end of the challenge, I get braver! :)

Comments on recording videos, not being fake, and how difficult it is to find ethical work that “resonates” with you after you have awakened and now want to live authentically, speak your truth, not live out of alignment to your core values, etc.:

Youtuber comment: Hi Penny. This is the first of your videos I have listened to, and I assure you it wont be the last! Well Done. As you will know from our previous chats on another channel, all of my own videos have now been deleted, but I never did any, not even one where I spoke directly into a camera. All my videos were audio, illustrated with stills and text imported through windows movie maker.I still got 10s of thousands of views. Hmmm, thinking about it, I’m not as easy on the eye as you are, so maybe it actually helped me that I didnt put my face on the vids. LOL. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is if you dont feel confortable talking into the camera you dont have to, just do whatever style suits you and comes most naturally. I’ll look forward to watching more of your vids (and I’ve already subscribed!).

My response: lol that’s the same advice I gave someone else last night.. deja-vu ;).. and that’s how I started – I started with animation videos (creating cartoons), I did some “just driving” videos last year… then I created some podcasts and webinars (which never got published – they were way too raw)…and then I realized I really need to get better at communicating with people (you will see why when you watch some of the other videos.. I haven’t had much to do with “real people” in over a decade).. .. the next step that I’m ready to face is though..& the sole purpose for this channel is to get face-to-face video practice. I want to do workshops and seminars and stuff in my future and I have an important message to share when I can find a way to verbalize it – but I also don’t want to be old “fake” me. I want to be authentic – whatever that is. If I’m nervous – so be it, if I’m ranting – so be it. I want an authentic experience.

Real – Raw – Lame lol… Even these newbie videos of mine, will help someone one day.. cos eventually I will be better and they will be able to see that transformation (hopefully!) & that it doesn’t matter that you make a fool of yourself at the start.. just gotta get out there and do what your heart is calling you to do hehe.

Funny though.. my looks was also one of the main things holding me back from doing videos… I was overweight, coughing blood and mucus every few minutes, my skin was gross, my eyes had no life-force… I felt disgusting .. but even after I healed myself and started to lose weight and feel a lot better, my fears were holding me back from being in front of the camera.

Now though – I’m not worried about my looks – but that’s only recent – as in “last week” lol.. so now I will slowly improve the rest of the things. Every video I gain a bit more confidence.

I didn’t really want people watching while I found my voice, but they are here now so dealing with it rather than creating another channel.. pushing myself against boundaries that shouldn’t even exist. These fears are unfounded. I shouldn’t care what people think about me.. been through too much to let that hold me back. We don’t know how long we have, and I want to be real. And I don’t need people’s approval … that will only get me stuck in a place where I want people to “like” me.. which would devastate me if I started getting hate. I am going to be me, whoever that is, as I go through this journey, and trust my gut rather than the fears and judgements approval/disapproval of other people lol (as much as I can anyway – it’s a journey!)… …. And can you please start doing videos :) :) Do you still have them on your computer somewhere?

Youtuber Response: WOW! I felt the energy and determination coming through in those words. I know what you mean about being ‘yourself’ and dropping the fake persona. I’ve got the t-shirt on being fake, lol. I gave up the pretence a few years ago, not so much because of any grand principle, but simply because I no longer had the strength to carry it on. It was very hard to let go the ‘fake’ me as that persona was a suit of armour to hide behind. I am simply who I am now, and much the better for it, spiritually and intellectually that is – economically I am on the floor as that old persona allowed me to hold down a job, pursue income streams etc. Without it I cant ‘fit in’.

Strange really, be fake and fit in and have an income, or be myself and an outcast with no money. LOL. I can laugh at the irony now, but that is only recent. I suppose its just part of the journey – learning to cut loose the baggage train I’ve pulled for years and explore the wilderness on my own and on my own terms. Its all part of the journey, I realise that now, but letting go of my fake persona and fake life was not easy because I used to really care what other people thought of me, and ‘status’ was important. I am really pleased I’ve managed to move on from that and transcend the superficial materialism we call ‘modern society’.I must admit that I am not as brave as you regarding sticking it out with your original channel. I feel very fortunate to have discovered you and your channel as we are clearly on the same wavelength, and by the sounds of things, have both been through some difficult times. I have certainly enjoyed exchanging thoughts with you.you. I’m looking forward to going through your videos – but only when I can dedicate quality time and give them the attention I suspect they deserve.Hope to chat again soon!

My response: I could no longer do it either (being fake), but that was more because I “let go”.. once I realized that I would no longer be able to pursue my dreams, that my life was over, that everything that I had built up over the years was gone and there was not enough time to get it back, and no ideas on how to get out of the mess I was in, no method of getting out.. no way of seeing the light in the darkness… I “let go” of that person… I died or some part of me died in that moment.. I don’t know how to describe it, but it was the death of the old, and the awakening of the new. I call it.. “the universe clicking my reset button”, and sometimes “the universe kicking my arse” :)

I’ve always been a truth-seeker, avid researcher, that kind of thing, but nothing prepared me for the lowest of the lows, losing everything and realizing there was nothing I could do about the situation I was in. I would love to say that it was then that I realized that you have to love “what is”, that you have to find gratitude for all that is, all the experiences, the ups and the downs, but it took me a very long time to come to that. I spent months as a zombie, staring into space, or in bed, unable to face the world. I allowed the negative energy to take over me, feeling undeserving of anything other than the darkness. I had “failed”. Life was black. I was suffocating and in a victim-mindset “I can’t believe they did this to me, I can’t believe I did this to myself”.. I was in denial about having 100% responsibility for what happened to me – even though I had spent years studying in similar areas – that research didn’t “save” me. (Although I suspect having it in the back of my mind kept me alive long enough to see my current perspective that “did” save me)

What saved me, is what can save millions in this world, if I can just figure out how to get them to open their minds to the possibility that everything we have been told is a lie – that we have the truth within.. that everyone going through this awakening comes to the same place of understanding.. but then we create these realities that serve us.. as in, each different belief/reality that I went through on this journey, has helped serve as part of the healing. My current belief is not something I could’ve held when I first healed myself.. it’s an after-perspective.. it’s an “ah-ha” that I got “after” the healing. So I like that we have the ability to change our beliefs depending on what we need at this current time to have this authentic experience. Too much for a comment box to cover.. step by step I will share what I learnt and eventually I’ll find a way to share my current belief of how they were “all” correct.. but that we are all here to experience.. I don’t know.. I know you get where I’m at currently I think :) I want to speak my truth, and my truth is only my reality at this time to experience this current experience and that my truth will change, my reality will change, as I learn/grow/share/expand.. evolve.. have different experiences.. lol Question everything and be real :)

Comment on the difficulties finding work after you have “awoken”:

I also feel very much the same as you. No job “fits” my new perspective anymore. I’m job hunting in my new town now.. where I want to be… and I can’t find anything where I resonate. I’m current in retail which has been a journey on it’s own – I’m from the IT world – I’m a computer geek / researcher / internet marketer… but I can no longer live that life.. I am learning to grow/evolve in whatever situation I’m in.

Retail is currently a nightmare for my personality but everyday I go in and try and help people.. just show up -help as many as I can.. just by being friendly, kind, nice to people… that’s not such a bad job.. but I’m in a world of material consumerism lol.. and the mentality doesn’t match my own. I also used this opportunity to experience a world of going to work without makeup, without having my hair perfectly groomed, without worrying about what other people thought of it, and I used it as a way to move past my own “need to be liked”. 120 staff members, most of them miserable about their lives and full of drama.. drama that I no longer care for or can relate to.. I just don’t do that kind of living anymore, I can’t resonate with what they are talking about – it’s alien to my current thinking… when I first started, I would cry all day.. I would feel all their energies and I couldn’t handle it, and I was still sick and hadn’t seen people in such a long time that I wasn’t used to all of this… “stuff” that my 2 year hibernation didn’t have.

So yeah over the past year.. I’ve been able to learn how to harness positive energies, change the energies of rooms of people, I’ve basically been able to practice something that I would never of been able to even think about doing if I had any other job.. even the worst work places can be spiritual & personal growth outlets if that’s what you choose the experience to be like.. that being said – I feel ready to move on from that place and start learning something new from a different experience lol but I will keep growing and learning from that place while I’m still there..:)

Youtuber response: That’s a very positive message with many words of wisdom. Thanks. I would love to be able to just turn my back on this society of greed, materialism, ignorance, and hedonism. Sadly the slave system has got me by the short and curlies and I’m trapped. Just like the vast majority of people, just like the system always intended. No one can survive for long without some some form of income these days, and for that most need to be within the slave system (at least until they discover a way out, and I am pretty sure there must be a way out somewhere!!!).You are doing the best you can at this point in your journey, and more importantly you have learned to turn what could be a negative into a positive, which is to be commended. During every journey the traveller has to stop and take stock/rest/replenish supply’s, and that seems to be what you are doing at the moment – building energy to continue on and take the next steps when the time is right or when an opportunity presents itself. I am sure that it wont be long before you find something that really resonates with you.

My response: My past decade as an internet marketer… has given me an out. Although I no longer want to do what I used to do, that experience will not go to waste. Having an internet business is the perfect outlet for people who want to travel, people who are too sick to work, and people who cannot work as a slave to someone else, etc. I have an idea of what I want to do but it has to match my new values, ethics, soul.. it has to help the people that “I’ am meant to help… and right now.. yep, taking some downtime to just live in the moment and see how it all plays out… let it unfold / reveal. I don’t want to get “caught up” in a business, I want it to develop itself by following my heart and intuition – my gut says “don’t force it”.. just be yourself, keep doing what you are doing.


Penny (PennyButler.com)
Penny (PennyButler.com)

Truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and deeper, ever trying to 'figure it out'. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, & random points of interests.