Why I don’t trust people

IN Dark Night of the Soul

Original (Longer) Version: Amazed with Results of Yesterday’s Past Trauma’s Release [Video]

So delving deep into past traumas yesterday didn’t feel good at the time, but I have experienced so much “release” from it.

Just a ramble for myself to gather my thoughts on my experience with it and what I learnt from it so far.

– Digging into past and not coming to the end, there’s always more.
– As you express your things, new stuff comes up
– Acknowledging the emotions, beliefs, perceptions, thoughts
– If you have good friends, you can express continuously, but we mostly bottle things up, even small things that want to be expressed, and carry it with us.
– I have been away from my friends and been bottling things up
– Just bringing things up, you can get a new insight, and change the way you look at it forever
– I don’t like that I bring up “too much” on YouTube.
– Feel exposed
– I do it because I need to express myself
– I feel best when I’m feeling like my life has meaning
– As I figure things out and sharing it, it is possibly helpful to others in a small way
– It’s more for my own benefit, to be able to express myself somewhere
– As you express yourself, you’re letting things out and letting things go
– Past stuff, I don’t feel like doing it regularly, but it did help me
– Felt a lot of stuff shift in me I think just by acknowledging that those things are still there
– I thought my big things that were affecting my life ended up being something different
– Yesterday showed me why I was choosing van life (safety – of having a place that can’t be taken away from me)
– I’m the person that people tell their secrets to, got a phone call from someone who thanked me because now he feels so light, happier
– Same when I express myself.. writing, blogging, friends of videos
– After you express your stuff / secrets / stories / things that we are “not” speaking to others, you can feel a release – see it in a new light
– I’m a lifelong student of this
– Finally understand why I’m such a truth-seeker, and why I love truth and rawness and vulnerability and people speaking their truth and uncovering secrets and things like that.
– Stemming from 12 years of parents keeping secrets from me
– No longer trusted anything that came out of their mouth
– Conflict of wanting their approval but not trusting a word they say
– Lifelong theme – the way that I’ve lived my life
– Also why I insist on “figuring things out myself” because “I don’t trust others – I can only rely on myself” because of that same “story”
– Feel anxious when I do videos, that I share too much, that I’m too raw, too honest, and now understand where it comes from. Need to find a balance.
– Learnt a lot from uncovering that stuff yesterday.
– Very important for me to live in the moment and deal with things as they come up, but if you have the “I’m this because this happened to me” stories, then it’s important to express them and get that weight off your shoulders.
– Express it: Writing, Videos, Audio, Friends, Councillor, etc.
– Acknowledge that it was something that deeply affected you in your life, provide comfort for yourself that you’ve never been able to offer (when you were younger) but can now
– Not forgetting the past, but trying to understand so that it no longer runs your life – how can it serve us
– Acknowledge that pain, try to understand where it’s coming from
– Acknowledge emotions as they come up
– Body communicating with you
– Today still coming to realizations about what I learnt yesterday
– Assigning a better meaning to things so that you can not dwell in going darker.. we normally assign negative meanings and keep it as a victim story. Shit happens and we can assign a more beneficial meaning.
– I went crazy, had a breakdown.. “shit happened” but can see how this will be useful. Instead of having all my experiences and tools and everything I’ve ever taken on in my life, now I can choose to mindfully re-integrate just the most helpful ones from my toolbox that serve my life.
– So my “meaning” to this situation that I’m in now, is looking at the benefits of seeing this as a brand new day, with brand new eyes, and look at my toolbox and mindfully being able to choose which tools serve me, which will also help others more because instead of being in a place where I have “already resolved” and “this is what I did then”, I’m now in a brand new space with new issues and can share the results in real-time.
– More meaning and more value when we’re actually going through it, rather than trying to remember what helped in the past, but still use the wisdom from others and what helped in the past.
– Car accident, EFT
– It’s useful to know that I used EFT at that time, but its even more useful looking at my situation now – what am I experiencing now and how am I working through it
learning & sharing from a space of ‘not knowing everything’ and re-integrating and what was the most helpful tools
– Express, express, express
– Acknowledging the shit in your life that is affecting you so you can learn and get insights from it

– I’m pretty amazed by how much letting that out yesterday has been such a huge release and understanding
– I thought it was going to be hard work, figure things out, but just acknowledging these things “without making them my victim stories” – that’s the difference this time.
– Subconscious wants to tell me “ARRRGH- ACKNOWLEDGE ME!” and now that it’s had a chance to grieve and be felt
– All the related things kept coming up but they were all being released as part of the same thing
– Proof that I was using to make myself to feel completely unworthy, unwelcome, unlovable, proof that I should never of been born, that I’m “bad” and “wrong”.. etc. And the pain of “they are bad” “they are terrible parents – they didn’t know how much they hurt me”.. now seeing it as a “release” instead of a “victim story”
– I felt that agony and pain and anguish and I used it as a way to be “woe is me”, and even when using personal development tools to make myself feel better, and live a life of meaning and be successful and be worthy in their eyes, but I was never looking at these things from a .. I don’t understand why now – but I’m amazed at how free I feel
– I see everything completely different now, so different
– So calm, so “un-triggered”, I’m free
– I don’t need to protect myself, there’s nothing to react to
– I think I’d laugh if someone insulted/offended me
– Really stunned that I think I hit the nail on the head somewhere yesterday
– Acknowledging that that was how I was feeling, right or wrong, good or bad, that’s how I was looking at the world
– I don’t have strong emotions – emotionless. Normally I would describe that as being empty, and I feel like I am empty. I’m usually such a feeling person. Sensitive.
– Too early to tell if this is more permanent calm, because every day I change, and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but today it’s so steady & calm and there’s nothing bubbling up to the surface now.
– Now that it’s been acknowledged, I don’t even feel like there’s anything to work on, that it’s just happy to be acknowledged
– Surprised that this “need to be liked by other people” has also gone
– Stress-free or “free”.. I don’t think I can get “irked”
– Can people stay this way?
– I really love that feeling of unconditional love for everybody and that’s intense, and I think that might come back when I bring the spiritual shit back in, but I’m content right now in this place where nothing phases me one way or the other, and I really didn’t think this would be such a big, noticeable difference, and that’s probably why I was resistant to do this for such a long time
– Inside I was like “Noo, don’t do that, you’ve come so far and you’ve done so well”, to avoid the pain, but I’m pretty amazed with the results this time.

Penny (PennyButler.com)
Penny (PennyButler.com)

Who are we? What are we doing here? What is the meaning of life? Penny is a truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and deeper down the rabbit hole. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, whilst providing a searchable archive to easily lookup and reference.