What is Magnetic Attraction? Pain = Not SoulMate

IN Dark Night of the Soul

Expressing an idea to try and figure out why you have a magnetic attraction to someone when it’s nothing – based on my own experience and from viewing others in my life.

A lot of people are messed up because they think they’ve “found their soulmate, true love, twin flame, or ‘the one'” and finding that “the one” does not return their love, and determine that love is experiencing pain and agony of wanting to be with that person. Going through hell after meeting someone that brings up deep-surface emotions – that is not love. That’s society’s misinterpretation of love.

When they are in that mode, pain, desire, anguish, yearning – they do not want to hear that it’s not love.

Today I’m pondering whether it’s because you think that being with that person will validate who you are, bring out that part of you that you think “other people” don’t see you as.

For me, unconsciously I was feeling unattractive, ugly, fat, weird and when I was with that person, I felt young, attractive, vibrant, passionate, healthy, helpful – that I can save them, important.

When I think of a friend going through this, I think he thinks it will validate him in the eyes of his family – that he’s got his perfect life with the perfect partner, “success!”, etc and that it would invalidate his own demons, of where he’s been selfish and hurtful.. that if his “soulmate” returned his love, that he would be absolved of all the pain he’s inflicted that he is still internally tearing himself up over. It would somehow forgive that which he regrets – the humiliation & shame would somehow dissipate.

For people who hold onto this idea of what their life should look like in order to feel validated in front of those they are trying to impress.

Even if they have different values and they are clearly “not the one” from logic standpoint, when you’re “in it”, you only see that part of you that is incomplete. And that if you could connect with that person, you would feel validated by the world.

I felt so good when I thought I was helping someone else, that it was my purpose, and that unconsciously it was “validating my existence”.

Keep reading or hearing others saying that they know they have met their soulmate because it hurts so much – and I’m like… ummm, no.

It hurts because you are going against your own soul. It hurts because you are doing that which is not in alignment to who you are. You are embarrassing and humiliating yourself, you are feeling “the other” “NOT” being your soulmate. That pain you feel – that you are misinterpreting as love are red-flags trying to warn you.

It hurts because your beliefs about “what should be” doesn’t match what your internal guidance system – your soul – is telling you “is”.

Another person that comes to mind that is going through this, I’m thinking that maybe by being with that person that they are thinking is their soulmate, that it would validate their own issues they haven’t worked on. Like their life would be more perfect if they were with that person – it would give them permission to be who they “really” want to be. Who they actually think they are “supposed to be” but their current circle doesn’t see them in that way and they don’t give themselves permission to step up their own game without an external person’s validation of their greatness.

They feel like being with that other person would make them feel perfect wholeness.

But any pain all requires us to do the self-work. Low-self-esteem issues. Things “coming up to be worked on” and you are seeing it through a mirror of another person. You feel like that other person is the one that will help you complete that undealt with thing that is keeping you lower than your soul knows you to be.

But only you can do that work. Noone outside of you is anything but your mirror. No human is going to complete you – you use the world as a mirror to evolve.

One of my nephews gets called a loser at school. This name-calling pain is no different than what I’m referring to as the pain of “not being with your soulmate” because it’s an internalized belief and hurt that comes up when your inner-guidance is giving you red-flags.

I said if I called you a purple monster poo-poo head, would that hurt? No. If I stick my middle finger up at you, does that hurt? No – it’s stupid. So why does it hurt when you get called a loser? Some part of him is trying to take that on as truth but his inner-guidance system is telling him it’s not. Our inner-guidance system – our souls know just how infinite and expansive we are. Our souls know we are not a loser, it’s saying “Brush it off – it’s not true”.

This is life, this is what we’re here for, we have these interactions with people all the time and we can use every choice and experience we have as a learning opportunity to do better, be better and evolve. If you believe this stuff, you can be carrying around these beliefs about you that is completely untrue for the rest of your life – and inflicting the same onto others.

If a soulmate is not returning their “soulmate” perspective right back at you, then don’t misinterpret that pain and yearning you feel as love – because it’s abusive, unkind and “unloving” to inflict your ‘love’ onto someone that doesn’t love you back. It sucks the life out of people. Noone wants that – you don’t want that, and if you “loved someone”, you wouldn’t want them to have to “deal with your undealt with pain”. You have to deal with where you don’t feel “good enough, worthy enough, validated”. You and only you have to do the inner-work and take responsibility for your own low self-esteem and those beliefs about yourself that feels like it needs “someone else” to give them permission to be whole.

You have to come to the party as a whole-human being and not with all your broken parts yearning to be fixed by another.

Our society is messed-up. And we have been told we’re incapable and small and useless and powerless, and we believe it. And we then take on a belief that “someone else” can restore those broken parts. And they can give you that illusion for a time, but they can’t actually do the internal work that you need to do that will actually make it true for you. Only you can give yourself permission to be powerful. You don’t need external validation – the world is a mirror of your self-beliefs. If you don’t like what you see, then find the invalid beliefs within – do the work – complete that which is incomplete. Forgive yourself and those that have hurt you, for believing some untruth that your inner-guidance system was warning you about, and take responsibility for allowing yourself to feel so small & helpless, and realize that your beliefs – your perspectives – the way you see yourself and others – are why you feel this way, stop blaming or relying on others to “fix” your invalid beliefs. Stop hoping that others will love the bits that you hate about yourself and therefore make you whole.

Something that you wish you were that you don’t believe that you are. It’s painful because you can’t find a way to express a way to validate yourself to “other people”.

When you know in yourself that it’s “not true”, when you resolve the incorrect beliefs about yourself, the pain goes away.

Original (Longer) Version: Pain = Not Soulmate

Penny (PennyButler.com)
Penny (PennyButler.com)

Who are we? What are we doing here? What is the meaning of life? Penny is a truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and deeper down the rabbit hole. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, whilst providing a searchable archive to easily lookup and reference.