WHEN I DECIDED TO DIE I LEARNED HOW TO REALLY LIVE

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WHEN I DECIDED TO DIE, I LEARNED HOW TO REALLY LIVE: My own suicide attempt was both my deepest painful moment and hugest epiphany turning point. After that, I made the conscious decision to stay on the planet. Somewhere. At some point. I don’t remember when or how. If it was all at once or more gradual. Maybe both. That part doesn’t matter. Because the more important decision I made was to live life 100% on my own terms. In a way that made me truly happy. In a way that made me feel genuinely free. I lost a lot of relationships and jobs and old ideas in this decision-making process. Because it’s the most radical and evolved thing a human can do. Make this crazy decision to put their own wellbeing before the desires or needs of others. Everything, and I mean everything, we’ve ever been taught tells us this is wrong. We’ve been brainwashed to be martyrs rather than to be selfish. At all costs. But that’s a hideous lie. Because when you love yourself wholly, you actually help the world far more than when you tapdance or perform for love or approval from people who can never really see or hear you. It’s not their fault. You didn’t let them. You swallowed your voice. You cut yourself off from your own needs. You played roles. You made yourself unimportant. So now it’s time to remember what’s true and real. The sacred you that owes nobody anything. The infinite you that must be willing to disappoint or even enrage people if it means being true to yourself. And they will be enraged and disappointed. Because you’ve stopped bending or shrinking for their comfort. It’s ok. They’ll survive. That’s their own battle with their own demons to fight. You just keep thriving, anyway.~Courtney A. Walsh

Penny
Penny

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