Female Asperger Syndrome Traits [Personal Habits]

IN Autism Aspergers
Female Asperger Syndrome Traits [Personal Habits] – Journey to a Better Life

Found a list of Female-specific Asperger syndrome traits online and decided to go for a walk and comment on each of the sections to see what traits I relate to. This post covers the “Appearance and Personal habits” section.

Female Asperger Syndrome Traits [Personal Habits] – Journey to a Better Life

Dresses comfortably due to sensory issues and practicality

I didn’t know that this was something wrong – something different – it’s just logical to me. It’s illogical to me all the fashions that people wear that make someone feel uncomfortable.

I have to wear comfortable clothes and I feel more ridiculous conforming to social-norms wearing painful high heels or tight clothing, or clothes that you wear just because they look good.

I pretty much only wear men’s jumpers, hoodies, and comfortable track pants, really soft socks, and comfortable shoes. If I’ve chosen something uncomfortable to wear, I generally feel annoyed about it the whole day and vow to never do it again.

Trying to refer to this statement like it’s some kind of a ‘unusual trait’ when it’s more logical to be comfortable and stupid to deliberately wear anything uncomfortable is also weird to me.

I’ve always been like this but I thought it was just because it’s more logical and learnt over time that my desire to be comfortable is higher up on my value system than conforming to society’s fads.

The main exception I generally make, is that society expects you to wear a bra as a female – that most would find it ‘grotesque’ if you don’t. Apparently you don’t want to go all “Africa” on people that can’t handle it when they’ve been brainwashed/conditioned their entire life to expect women to wear bras. The service station near where I live (unfortunately for them I guess), have to put up with me going Africa because when I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do, is get out of bed, put on my shoes, brush my hair, and walk to the service station to get my morning latte. I’ve never specifically put on a bra to go to the service station except when I’m on my way to somewhere else (work, shopping, Melbourne), but never if I’m just going there to grab a coffee.

Bra’s make no sense to me, and I’d personally like to bitch-slap the inventor if possible. It’s an annoying invention created for fashion and deceit. Serves no other purpose than to make women look unnatural and create a society that does not ‘want’ or are now too ‘ashamed’ to look natural. Some bra’s may serve as functional in preventing pain in high-energy sports, but I cannot see a logical reason why this fad ever became the norm except for vanity-reasons.

It would’ve made more sense logically to embrace women for who they are and what they look like in their natural form, rather than all this ‘fakeness’, and I don’t understand why men would like it either – I mean, they may be attracted to how it makes the woman look with clothes on, but eventually when they are with that woman – the bra comes off, and so do however many sizes they’ve added or particular shape it’s formed.

I had no idea that this is an Asperger’s trait. I’ve been fighting that war for years even joking that “When I’m Queen, no woman would ever have to wear a bra again”. It makes more sense to me to be comfortable and to wear attire that is more appropriate to your comfort, and is designed for whatever activity you are participating in. Logic.

When I’ve had work in the bigger cities, before I moved back to my hometown, I used to have to spend 2 hours getting ready for work – ironing my shirt & pants, wearing the business suit, wearing the stiletto heels, having the perfect hair and makeup – then I would proceed to walk up & down hills, bitumen, and concrete footpaths to work – and this was for a call centre for crying out loud. Senseless. I should’ve been wearing a hoodie and some comfy sneakers to a job where the customers do not see you but that’s just not ‘socially acceptable’ and thereby ‘society’ is illogical, but I still ‘conformed’, and hated it. Had the same problem in Sydney but add to the fact that I wore these uncomfortable heels with 2 hour train ride to work and back each day as well as on my feet for the entire 8 hour shift. My feet were nearly destroyed in a couple of months and my first pay check was spent on a foot spa and masseurs. Preventable ignorance.

These days I very rarely conform, at least I try and get away with the most comfortable and simplest/quickest way to be semi-presentable without making an ‘extra effort’ or adding any unnecessary discomfort. I don’t wear footwear at home and I take my shoes off when I work in an office.

I have a preference for comfortable socks, underwear, and clothing of all types – and I think it’s unfortunate that it doesn’t look as good as ‘fashion’ clothing but it certainly makes way more sense to me to be comfortable and practical rather than keeping up with the latest fashion trends and walking around wearing clothing that is tight, itchy, painful, or task-inappropriate.

If that’s an aspie trait then hell yeah, I’m a proud aspie, because the alternative is ridiculous.

Will not spend much time on grooming and hair. Hairstyles usually have to be ‘wash and wear’. Can be quite happy not grooming at all times.

These days, I just like to wash my hair, let nature dry it, and occasionally I’ll use the hair straightener or put on makeup to make myself look a bit better for external social interaction (only if going somewhere other than the grocery store – but even then sometimes I don’t bother, and don’t even think about it in the company of friends or family – only the ‘society that doesn’t get it’).

Today I had a job interview online on Zoom so I did put makeup on and straighten my hair because that’s the ‘social norm’, and I’m intelligent enough to know that’s the social norm but I don’t like it.

I much prefer not putting makeup on and not having to do my hair any different than the way nature provides.

Whenever I put on makeup, the first thing I want to do when I return home is to remove it immediately and ‘get clean’. It’s uncomfortable, irritates my eyes sometimes, makes my face feel ‘dirty’, and also seems ‘fake’. Makeup is kind of stupid – like I have a clean face but now I’m deliberately putting chemicals and crap on it? My inner-being is saying WTF? I’m doing it knowing that it is more socially acceptable, but it seems more obvious to me that we actually do it because of poor self-esteem (individually and as a whole society), we’re brainwashed to be insecure with our natural form. Needless to say, I’m more comfortable with people and places where makeup is not the norm, and to me that’s almost everywhere except for customer-facing work-environments and wherever you may feel a little more insecure and self-conscious about ‘other people’s negatively-charged judgements’.

I remember I didn’t wear makeup at one of my jobs (after wearing it all the time) and getting comments like ‘are you sick?” and I’m like, no, I’m just not wearing makeup – I don’t want to put toxins on my skin. I remember one girl saying ‘then maybe you should try BB Cream?” lol. Ok so, maybe I should put chemicals on my skin because I don’t want to put chemicals on my skin? To me it was the weirdest suggestion, but also made me wonder how many people cover-up to give the illusion of looking healthy when they are really unwell.

Eccentric personality may be reflected in appearance.

100% Eccentric personality – but not sure if it’s reflected in my appearance, although yeah – maybe because I’m practical – I’m sure there are some that may ‘look down’ on what I’m wearing right now. I must look like a Hobo to those who care about fashion trends. I’m currently wearing a man’s jumper that happens to feel good on my skin and if this one’s in the wash, my alternative go-to is an oversized male hoodie that is full of little rips and holes.

When I ‘go out’ into society, which is rare, I don’t wear these. When I go grocery shopping, I wear blue jeans and a comfortable female-appropriate top. But comfort is still the imperative thing here – it has to feel good. But I never saw this as too weird honestly – I just thought of it as a preference.

“I prefer to be comfortable, shouldn’t you as well?” I’m looking back on my life and anytime I’ve bought items of clothing that ‘fit the social norms’, I felt even more out-of-place and awkward (‘fake’, inauthentic, disingenuous, really uncomfortable), and I felt that it’s pointless, and wished ‘society’ was different – not me. That ‘society’ would wake up.

And I think that’s been my message for many years – wake up from the fraud and fake and conformity in so many aspects of life. Be yourself – be authentic.

The eccentric personality – I learnt fairly early than I’m “different” from others – that I don’t think the same, that I’m not on the same page as most, and often referred to myself as the black sheep or weird one. But in my naivety or ignorance – I thought of myself as the authentic one and the rest as ‘hiding their true self’. I used to think that everybody was wearing a mask – and underneath that mask was the ‘truth’, and that if I could speak the truth to them, maybe they could speak the truth back, but I think differently than them. I never understood why they were ‘faking it’.

Now I’m looking at this Asperger’s condition – this different way the brain is wired – and wondering if that’s why they can’t? But isn’t it still more logical to speak the truth? To be your real self? But is ‘their real self’ really this lie – this fake thing – and that’s what I’m trying to get my head around now is – maybe that IS them being their authentic self and they really don’t see the world the same as I do.

And even as I ponder this, I realize that it was me that ended up having to wear the mask, to hide my differences as much as possible.

Is youthful for her age, in looks, dress, behaviour, and tastes.

I’ve always looked younger than my age. No one believed the age I told them and they always assumed at least 10 years younger than whatever age I was. I feel like I didn’t ‘age’ until I turned 40 and then I aged ‘immediately overnight’ the same week I hit 40. It was a really weird experience, I didn’t think about my age or celebrate the years going by, and so never aged, but when I hit 40, I had that sudden “holy shit I’m 40” experience, and suddenly… I just ‘aged’ to 40.

I’ve never really liked birthdays – I don’t have birthday parties. I thought it was because I never received what I wanted for my birthday. From about 16ish through my 20’s, I never got a present, only a promise (to help me get my driver’s licence) and sometimes a card. I was really ‘having an internal and sometimes external tantrum’ about it. I’m over it now so I’m trying to ‘go back’ to when I was younger to try and figure it out. I know that I was feeling some form of ‘despair’ that they didn’t care enough about me, that they ‘forgot’ or was ‘going to’ and jealous that they didn’t forget my sister’s birthday. So at some stage, I decided to ‘hate’ birthdays (all birthdays, not just my own, I also stopped believing in gifts and special-worded cards for others) and not expect anything special because it was less painful to lose the expectations and just ‘not have a birthday’ than to get excited, hopeful and let down. I also at some stage over the years changed the perspective of it, to that birthdays and Christmas etc are pointless and that people waste money they can’t afford on gifts that other people don’t even want and that it makes more sense to help someone with a bill they are struggling to pay or ask what they want, than buy a gift basket of body lotions that they would store in the back of their bathroom cupboard and never use.

Another reason I had to change my perspective about birthdays and rid myself of selfish expectations, is that one year, I had a fight on the phone with my mum for not even getting me a birthday card for my birthday and half an hour after the phone call, while she was on her way to work, she had a terrible and extremely serious car accident crashing into a line of around 7 cars, and whilst she said she doesn’t remember our argument, it was such a big traumatic deal for me because I felt so guilty and felt that in some way my selfishness caused her accident. The guilt that my ‘last words’ to her were said in anger – they could’ve been the ‘very last words’ I said to her if she hadn’t survived, and so I force-changed my priorities and let go of the previous hurt (worked on myself a lot to do it, but the pain of hurting someone else over a birthday was enough to rid the expectations of birthdays altogether).

As far as age/looks, it’s only when I tell people my age, that they start to treat me according to my age. I think these days I’m starting to look older and it’s more believable that I’m 44 with the wrinkles and whatever else are the tell-tale signs of an older person, but it’s definitely been something that people could never believe over the previous decades.

Usually a little more expressive in face and gesture than male counterparts.

I can’t really comment on that – I have no idea.

One thing that comes to mind is that my face always speaks what I’m thinking and I can’t seem to hide it – I don’t have the ability to allow my face to ‘fake’ what I’m feeling.

May not have a strong sense of identity, and can be very chameleon-like, especially before diagnosis.

This I think has been a struggle my entire life. Trying to fit-in, trying to keep the peace, trying to make friends, trying to not be the weird-one, trying to not feel so anxious. All this “trying” to be normal, was really me “faking” being normal.

This Asperger’s thing is really making sense to me now. I wish that I knew this when I was a kid or something – at least as a teenager. I can’t believe that I’m finding out about it now – it’s too late damnit – I’ve already made a fool of myself – I’ve already made too many mistakes as a human to explain to people why I think differently. I didn’t know why I thought differently or that I was ‘wired-differently’. I just thought ‘they’ were faking it, and that I’m the logical one, the serious one. I was most successful at having friends when I took to being the ‘funny’ one and being positive and optimistic and joyful – until I was tread on and betrayed and lied to and too trusting and ‘too loud’ or ‘too much’ for people.. etc where that happy-joyful one was knocked down and flattened and no longer ‘safe’ to let out.

I started smoking in high school and that also helped me make friends because it connects people into a kind of ‘group’, but have always been the nerdy kid. You’d find me in the library and in primary school I used to hide from the other kids by climbing trees or hiding behind the teacher.

Even now at Poker, I have nothing in common with any of them. We’re sitting around the table and they’re all yelling at each other about some football team, and I don’t get it. I literally don’t get it. I don’t understand it, I don’t ‘want’ to understand it – and I feel like it’s brainwashing from their end. I feel like people were brainwashed as a child to pick a team to barrack for via their parents/friends or whoever influenced them at that time.

When I was a kid, I barracked for Collingwood because I liked my black & white scarf, and then the smelly boy liked Collingwood so I changed to Demons and got a cool Demons money box, and then when I changed school the new teacher let kids out earlier and gave them extra red & black pencils if they barracked for Essendon, so I switched to the Bombers. It meant nothing to me, I didn’t care. It wasn’t an informed decision about how talented the team was.

If you were logical, if you were informed, if you actually made your decision on who the best team is, you would be doing research into them all and deciding based on statistics and facts, rather than starting pub brawls and conflict with anyone who disagrees with your unconscious choice of loyalty – something you just ‘chose’ one day likely on the basis of whoever you wanted to impress at that time. If you were picking ‘the best team’ – you wouldn’t stick to one team for a lifetime – you would make an informed decision every time there was a change.

I guess there’s some cause in mainstream minds of loyalty – you can say you are loyal to a team because they are members of your hometown or because you grew up supporting them (even if it’s just to bond with your dad), but you can’t say that they are ‘better’ just because you follow them because you were brainwashed into it to begin with.

So yeah, you can see clearly why I don’t participate in those types of conversations. I’m intelligent enough to not put myself into the middle of a “who’s the best team” debate when my beliefs clearly see a whole different perspective about how they got their lifelong beliefs.

I also can’t do chit-chat or pointless gibber-jabber. The weather? Why? I don’t care what you’re having for dinner unless you are going to inspire my choices lol. I just find these pointless but now I’m starting to understand that without a common known interest between acquaintances, these are the go-to phrases for people to start to connect, I just never got the point of the shallow-chat.

Give me someone who is into philosophy and I could talk your ear off. When I was into internet marketing, natural healing, and computers, I could talk your ear off. If you’re into philosophy, culture, conditioning, channelled material, even religion or different ways people perceive the world, conspiracy theories preferably resulting in benevolent outcomes, and even Poker, I could lose time listening and participating in that discussion. And right now all I want to talk about is Asperger’s and Autism, and re-discovering how it’s impacted my life – but have no one to talk about that with, so I just study it and write about it, and talk into my phone about it.

Noone ever seems to be interested in the topics I am interested in talking about or going beyond the chit-chat. I wonder if me not being able to participate in the chit-chat phase is the reason I rarely get to get into the deeper chats. Ponder.

Now that I look at the Asperger’s symptoms or traits, we seem to just get fixated on one interest to the detriment of anything else, and only want to talk about our one current interest and not about anything else – and I never knew this – and I’m sure knowing this will help me connect with others in future but it doesn’t stop my insides wanting to talk about my current research topic.

When people are talking about things that I’m not interested in, I just ‘switch off’ or could even reach the point where I’m rude and cut the conversation short. I usually just switch-off though – I’m just ‘not there’ – I’ve gone someplace else in my mind, a peaceful blank space. They might as well be talking to me about Algebra – if it hasn’t held my interest, the auto-off-switch engages.

When the Corona Virus first came out – that was my point of interest – and I had to research and know everything about it – was it man-made, was it made in a lab, was it de-population agenda, did it really come from bats, was it a control agenda, was it a financial reset, was it to rid the weak or welfare-dependent people, what are all the possible agendas. And then… what if you or a loved one got it – what are the symptoms, what could you do to cure it yourself without medical intervention or vaccines, what medications were effective or ineffective in a hospital environment, what were the alternative health practitioners doing, what were people in general doing to prevent themselves from getting it, was it really as deadly, what was happening in different countries, what measures were working in different parts of the world, what supplements can we take, and what else can we change in our daily lives, and what other affects did we need to think about (rent, money, growing own food, bartering) etc. I had to learn everything I could and had to exhaust all avenues that I could think of, and once I learned everything that I wanted to learn, I stopped. It no longer had a hold on me and I moved onto the next thing.

Enjoys reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children’s, can have favourites which are a refuge.

Isn’t this something that everybody does? I see ‘society’ as Norm’s sitting on their couches watching tv. So how is this a trait specific to Asperger’s?
Definitely Sci-Fi is my go-to though. I love Stargate Sg-1, The Matrix. The Stand. Jericho. If I was stuck in a room and only had a couple of genre’s to choose from for the rest of my life, I would choose Sci-Fi and Dystopian – end of the world / save the world stuff. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t watch or read something.

I’m generally playing online poker with either YouTube, Netflix, or Stan on the TV, and my research on the 2nd monitor.

I watch mostly YouTube documentaries and ‘edge/fringe’ thinking topics. Things that normal mainstream people don’t ever click on or think about or look at. Conspiracy theories, extreme alternative health, channelling, people going through spiritual awakenings, near-death experiences, or whatever current interest I have. At the start of COVID, I non-stop watched all the Corona Virus videos from everyday people to conspiracy theorists to experts in every field, and I’m currently watching anything to do with Asperger’s/Autism.

If I got rid of Netflix/Stan/Gaia etc I wouldn’t care – it’s nice to have when I want a break from YouTube and it’s nice to have non-stop marathon’s of series without ads and getting to the ‘end of the seasons’ as quickly as possible, but I mostly like YouTube because it’s real people giving their real opinions – especially out-of-the-box thinkers that are speaking on things that are too taboo for mainstream.

If I login to YouTube, and have 100 videos to choose from my home-screen, my go-to would be someone’s near-death experience, an interview with someone who channels or some kind of fringe energy healer, spiritual, or conspiracy topic, or someone’s thought-process or interview on something that I resonate with. But surprisingly not a well-put-together documentary or movie – because it feels too fake and put-together – too shiny. It needs to feel genuine and authentic.

I felt a few years ago that I was getting downloads and messages from ‘something non-physical’ until I turned it off deliberately because I thought I must be going crazy. I don’t know how to turn it back on (I’ve tried), but when I was getting those ‘waves of insights’ coming in – volumes of information, then finding people online who were getting the exact same messages and information – I was trying desperately to figure out ‘the source’. The truth. Trying to figure out my own mind and how I was able to tap-in, and what it all means and what is “reality”? And at that time, I was comparing myself to the world and it seemed more logical to me that I was going crazy because if it was real – wouldn’t ‘everybody’ be getting it? “I” must be the wrong one and I started questioning myself and determining that “I” must be the crazy one because no one else around me was experiencing this. I’m walking around trying to do my job while having these weird experiences. There was some really crazy stuff and I even considered that it could be PTSD or something because I guess in my imagination I was really experiencing myself as some kind of saviour to this world. I felt like there was a choice that needed to be desperately made at that time, people needed to choose to move to the next level or stay behind for another 250,000 years. And I felt like I had chose (pre-incarnation) to be put on this earth to help as many people as possible choose the next-level. Raise their vibes, stand up for what’s right, seek the truth, make the ‘right choices’ for humanity and their soul.

And then everything went to shit. So I turned it all off because I felt I really must be crazy. How crazy am I thinking I’m saving the world? I did learn in that process that I think I went through some kind of Kundalini awakening. But God, it would’ve been nice to know that I also had Asperger’s. Just so that I could maybe go and get help (I avoided help). Maybe I could’ve gone to a psychiatrist and maybe there were other people that were experiencing the same crazy.

Sometimes I try and tap into that experience again, but I’ve not been able to – I have no idea how and right now I’m glad I’m not going through that kind of stuff, because I’m just trying to deal with how much on the spectrum I am with Asperger’s/Autism, re-evaluating my entire life through new eyes, and wondering just how different I’m wired. And I’m also honestly wondering if that’s why I was able to tap-in at that time – maybe it was because I had Asperger’s that I even ‘got’ those volumes of insights.

I looked at some images of brains where Autistic people have an extra couple of synapses and more points where neurons connect and communicate with each other. It’s just one theory on why it may make us more sensitive to be able to connect to people’s energies, feel people’s intentions, feel if they’re being deceptive, we just have a sense of something ‘not right’ or have bad intentions to us or not, even if they are throwing flowers on us and their words are kind, we may still know they are being deceptive – some kind of vibe we can tap into.

I used to have a vibe that my boyfriend was lying to me, and I went through the whole psychology of thinking “what if I’m just being a paranoid/jealous girlfriend”? But it ended up being true and it took 4 years to validate. But had I known I could trust my inner-sense, that relationship would’ve been over within 2 months instead of 4 years and I wouldn’t of had to go through that trauma or lose my baby-making years to someone that wasn’t even with me for the right reasons. I just totally naively wanted to believed in a fantasy soul-mate connection and that my own intuition was wrong and that I was just being paranoid.

The reason I give this extra ‘too much information’ is as a tool to try and understand myself better, and I think the reason I look for the fringe videos is that they are the only ones that ‘match up’ to what I was receiving at that time (not just the ‘saviour’ stuff but all the other higher consciousness stuff that was pouring in). Always resonating and feeling that wonderful “Me too!” when someone repeats the insights I got at that time or has had a similar journey – especially resonate with the near-death experiences and kundalini awakening experiences and channellings.

I’ve always been a book-lover. Mostly self-help and personal growth books. Personality books. Positive-thinking books. Anything to improve myself, become more upgraded or smarter in some way and to understand life and other people and this reality. Learning books – computers and health and people. Was obsessed with encyclopaedias before the internet.

These days I don’t buy many actual physical books because I find I can get through books a lot faster if I listen to them, so I am a subscriber of Audible.com and ‘listen’ to books from my phone while I’m driving, making dinner, doing chores, and before I go to sleep. I also have an app on my phone called @Voice Reader which reads out any PDF versions of material that I download – books and research. I feel it’s a better use of my time and I really can’t pick up a book now, I can’t even read a page – there’s something wrong with my brain.

Uses control as a stress management technique: rules, discipline, rigid in certain habits, which will contradict her seeming unconventionality.

I am very rigid in my habits. I have to force myself to change a habit – but isn’t everybody like that? That’s what I’m saying. Isn’t this a general human trait not specific to Asperger’s? Am I any different than anyone else who struggles to break routines? I don’t like it but I thought no one did.

This is why I’m so shocked at Asperger’s being any different to normal society because I thought everybody struggled to create new habits.

I wakeup and have the exact same routine everyday and it’s only when I get a new job that my world is turned upside down and my routine is fucked-up. I hate having to sleep at a specific time to ensure I can wake up at a certain time – my mind doesn’t usually comply and if I try and force myself to sleep before I’m ready, I just lie there getting stressed and frustrated with myself about ‘not getting enough sleep’ to function or wake up refreshed.I can’t function without sleep and I struggle to sleep.

I hate having to wake myself up when my body still needs more sleep. I hate having to wear a bra to work. I hate having to waste time to look socially acceptable. I hate having to use a semi-normal ‘script’ that is socially acceptable with staff and customers instead of just being free to be myself.

I need to speak the truth. Until this Asperger’s idea came into my life, I never realized that I may be wired differently, so my interactions with people was always believing that underneath their mask, they could get deeper, and now I’m looking at myself and my interactions with others and I’m more hyper-aware I guess of how blunt I am and how scary I must be to those who aren’t wired like me.

I only have regular conversations with my sister who is the only person I can be bluntly honest with most of the time – I don’t tell her about my crazy, weird thoughts, or go too in-depth about my interests because she has different things on her mind and I don’t want to bore her and I don’t think she’d understand that side of me, but on a normal spectrum of a normal phone call where we’re discussing our current dilemma’s or ideas about the world and people and relationships and positive things, and life in general – I speak freely with her. I don’t like to speak to other people and I wonder if it’s because I don’t feel I can speak my truth with others. I’ve always wondered why people weren’t able to go deeper? Like they are always on the surface, in the shallow-mode, and speaking the predictable way the movie would play out, and in my mind I am like “Is that how you really think though?”

There is “the way society thinks” and you know you can go-along with that, you know what you are expected to say and what is going to be accepted by the ‘majority’. But when you’re trying to have a more deeper, authentic, friendship, don’t you want them to go beyond the surface-level stuff? Don’t you want them to be able to speak the things that are sometimes ‘not’ what society expects you to say? Don’t you ever have thoughts of your own that ‘differ’ from the expected answer? I struggle having light surface-level conversations and I think it’s this Asperger’s thing. I just can’t do it – unless you’re really getting deep into something (and something of my interest).

Frustrating thinking about all the conversations that I’ve had – I feel like I used to have a lot of empathy and love for everyone and also being an oddball/blacksheep and I speak about conspiracy theories and what’s the right thing for people to do. This is making so much sense to me.

I don’t even know whether getting officially diagnosed will help me, other than… validating my life. Validating why I’m so weird. Understanding the way others have seen me. Understanding what makes me different.
I look at my blog and I think … fuck my blog is just explaining my life from an Asperger’s perspective. But I thought it was just from a perspective of a person who explores truth and wants to get to the core of things.

So I wake up in the morning, put on my shoes, brush my hair, grab my keys/mask, walk to the service station to get my latte, come home, take off mask/keys, take off shoes, sit in front of my computer, drink my latte, load up poker, load up whatever I’m watching on YouTube/Netflix, Facebook, and research & play poker for hours until I’m hungry, then I make a salad wrap, walk and get another coffee, do that routine again, sit back at computer until hungry. Repeat. I add shower/bath in the routine sometimes. Baths are more common when I need to ‘switch-off’. I choose a specific day for cleaning the house (when I think it needs it) which is only every other week.

That’s been my life day-after-day for 8 months since the Covid lockdowns and I feel like I’ve lost my brain because of it. In that interview today I couldn’t speak naturally – I couldn’t recall things I needed to recall or sell myself or think of examples. But lately – maybe for months now – I’m struggling to even remember small things. I’ve started a food blog to become more accountable for what I eat, and after I prepare the ingredients, I walk 5 steps from the kitchen back to the computer to write it down, and I’ve already forgotten the ingredients that I literally just put in my meal.

Anyway I struggle with changes, especially forced changes that affect my freewill to spend time the way that I want to spend it. I do feel the stress / discomfort / annoyance / fear when I have to change my routine; when a neighbour disturbs me, when I run out of food and have to go get some, when I have to clean, when I have to do a real estate inspection, when I have to fill out forms, when I have to break my routine for anything that disturbs what I want to be doing.

The other rigid habits that I have. When I take my clothes off, I put the dirty laundry straight into the washing machine and when it’s half-filled or full, I grab all the tea-towels and hand-towels, pillow cases, masks, and do a load of washing and then I chuck it all in the dryer, and then when the dryer finishes, I take it out and lay the clothes on the bed, sort them out and put them all back wherever they belong. And when I am hungry, I make a quick meal – and it has to be a quick, simple, meal. And at the end of the night before I go to bed, I put all the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and start it, do a quick wipe-down of benches/stove etc. And the last thing I do before bed is put food out for the stray cats, brush my teeth and start my current audible book and set it to automatically turn off after 30-45 minutes depending on my tiredness. I don’t have any change to my routine, it’s always the same.

I might do the clothes washing every 2-3 days because I live by myself. I do the dishwasher every night, and everything is the same. On payday which is once a fortnight at the moment, the only difference is instead of going to the service station, I get dressed into semi-socially-acceptable clothing, and instead of walking to the service station, I drive there and get a large latte, drive to the supermarket, get my groceries/post office, and drive straight back home, take off my key/mask, unload my groceries, feed the cats, take off shoes, sit down at the couch and finish the coffee – which is still hot by the time I get home. I’m not even gone long enough for my coffee to get cold that I bought on the way to the grocery store.

I never even noticed these things about me until scrutinizing my life after learning about Asperger’s.

Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment.

Yep I thought this was the same for everybody as well or at least all introverts. I just like being in my own space. Right now I live in a rental apartment and that is my favourite place to be. When I was living with my sister I used to just hang out in my van or in the backyard on my laptop away from the noise of the kids and the tv and the smells and the music and the vacuum cleaner and the phone calls. Wow. I just like to be by myself.

I think I used to love having a boyfriend and living with him. But did I? I was annoyed as well though. I don’t think I was comfortable at all come to think of it. I think I liked the company when we were in that honeymoon phase – loved that. But after that, you kind of have to get used to other people’s routines and sacrificing your own needs/wants to harmonize with the needs/wants of your partner. And meet their expectations and conditioning of ‘what a partnership looks like’. But I think everyone is like that. Some of these statements are hard to believe are Asperger’s specific. But as far as liking to be alone. I do. I like to be by myself. But also I think that’s mostly because I don’t relate to anyone else? So I’d rather be alone than be misunderstood or nervous or bored or hurt by any possible negative environment.

Hmm.. another thing that just came up which maybe contradicts my ‘love to be at home’, is that I used to travel in my van and go to camping spots with the hope that I would find people like me. The reason I was drawn to van life was to be free of the system and to live a life of travel and adventure and making people happy and being just free of rent and gas / electricity bills and just wanted all that stressy-stuff out of my life and wanted to find like-minds. But I never found other people like me when I was doing that. I found one spiritual person that was ‘sort of’ like me, but he was still different. And now I realize that “I’m the different one”. But also, another factor that I need to consider at that time, is that the home I was living in at the time – I was not welcome, and it was noisy, and I just felt like I was in the way, so maybe the ‘van’ was my escape from that and possible solution to a situation I couldn’t get out of because I had no money to get my own home.

And it’s also possible that maybe what I was looking for the whole time were other people with Asperger’s, others that “think like me”, but then I look at some of the people on YouTube who are speaking from an Asperger’s perspective, and I don’t know if I relate to them either.

Like if I were looking for anyone, I think they would need to have Asperger’s and also have the same interests as me. Wow. That narrows it down. Good luck oddball :)

Penny (PennyButler.com)
Penny (PennyButler.com)

Who are we? What are we doing here? What is the meaning of life? Penny is a truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and deeper down the rabbit hole. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, whilst providing a searchable archive to easily lookup and reference.