Lessons from my Dark Night of the Soul

IN Dark Night of the Soul
Lessons from my Dark Night of the Soul

So I just finished a long blog post trying to get my head around the whole experience that triggered the last Dark Night of the Soul, and realized a lot about what I learned from this experience, which is – I guess, the point of the whole thing – 2 people find out why they came to this planet – to learn and grow and take the best and learn more about ourselves … and take our new expanded view and wisdom – into our lives so that we could do it better next time. I think I still have screwy beliefs now because of it. The old me wants to love everyone and the new me is suspicious and untrusting. But I hope that by jotting down what I ‘think’ I’ve learnt so far, I will gain a better perspective eventually & at least find out ‘where I’m at’ and help me level-up and recognize anything that I don’t feel is in alignment to my inner-truth.


Things I learned:

  • Know your values, know yourself enough to know when someone is wanting you to step out of your values.
  • Live by your own integrity and keep your dignity – even if you feel ‘society is living differently than your own truth – stay true to your soul – despite what the rest of humanity has been conditioned into pressuring you to do – if it doesn’t feel right for you – don’t do it – if they care for your soul – they will ‘care’ for your soul with compassion and kindness, not force or belittlement. And if you still feel a calling to ‘go ahead anyway’, you have to live with the truth that ‘you are agreeing to allow what will come from it’ – you harm your own soul by living out of alignment to your own ethics – you are allowing yourself to get harmed and will one day need to take responsibility for the choices ‘you’ made that ended in the ‘result that harmed you’ – which was really – you not living in alignment to your own integrity. Every choice-point / every decision you make that is not in alignment with you – leads to a particular pathway. Take responsibility for your own part in how things play out by staying true to what you know is right for you.
  • Get to know each other & truly formulate a friendship first before ‘getting too intimate’. Life is not a Hollywood movie. If you don’t get to know each other first – you are most likely going to create attachments to expectations and ‘that which you hope him/her to be’ and vice-versa. Then you don’t get to meet those expectations and vice versa, because you don’t have the same view on life. Knowing each other and your unique world-views before you get intimate will save you from creating something else – that was never meant to be. The purpose of interacting with others is to learn about yourself and to explore and experience the world through the diversity of others. Sometimes that “magnetic attraction” you both have is hormonal, or a wound from your past, or a fantasy. Just because you are both attracted to each other sexually – doesn’t mean that you can’t take the time to get to know each other before you merge-souls – you’re not dogs / animals wanting to pro-create whenever you get the urge. You are conscious human beings. Hormones can be fun, but if you go straight into hormonal mode without getting to know each other on a caring-companion level first, you are doing both of you a disservice as each of you get confused about where the other one is at (based on common society rules of conduct) so you will keep thinking you know what the other person is thinking – like, there are so many common entanglements that come up once you go intimate with someone and if you haven’t got to know each other and had various conversations you need to have – it can get dicey as you don’t have that knowledge of how someone is wired or will react once they allow souls to merge. Don’t go so fast. Find out why you have a connection by getting to know each other. It could be that you are just learning something – admiring something – just a caring connection / friendship or it could be an ‘undealt with’ thing that you feel the other person ‘fills’ for you – something they can never live up to because that is your own wound to fill. 
  • Don’t change yourself to be what you think someone else wants you to be. This is different than allowing yourself to grow for the better, and to be inspired to be a better person by another. This is more, if it feels ‘wrong’ for you, that you have to ‘put on a mask’ to be something ‘other’ than who you are – then they may be ‘grooming you’ to be something you are not, because of their own issues & expectations & undealt-with past experiences.
  • Only be intimate with someone who you can “be yourself” with – without having to walk on eggshells.
  • Know your own vulnerabilities and self-judgements (know your own triggers) so that you are working on where ‘you’ feel less-than, so that you are not ‘triggered’ by an external opinion pointing out your flaws. Be aware of what “you consider your flaws” and be actively working on that which you don’t like about yourself, so that you don’t become insecure and doubt-yourself when someone expresses their views. i.e. if you love yourself, another cannot hurt you with words because you are confident and actively working on that which you want to improve. Love yourself and if you don’t love yourself – love yourself. Don’t put yourself in a position where another can take away your self-worth. The only way they can do that – is if you don’t love yourself, so love yourself – find what you don’t like about yourself and do what you need to do to actively work on ‘your own self-esteem issues’ so that another cannot trigger you or wound your ego – either intentionally or unintentionally.
  • Know the traits of a Narcissist and do not dismiss any ‘red flags’ or gut-instincts that are teaching you something – learn from it. So, are they living completely out of alignment to your values? What is the purpose of this interaction? What is this red flag teaching you about yourself and your own self-worth? How are you both ‘levelling-up’ from this experience? Know the difference between a narc (someone who has insincere, selfish, or even dangerous motives) vs your own insecurities / distrust from past-experiences. Don’t be narc-bait. If you feel endangered with another – then there is a red flag – figure it out really fast what it is and take care – be extra cautious if you start getting big warning signs from within. Pangs / Waves of worry/despair/fear are sure-fire warning signs that something is amiss / not aligned – either with them or yourself – figure out which one it is and do what you need to do (work on yourself or find a safe passage out of there).
  • If someone isn’t demonstrating the same level of integrity of you – it might be time to move on, or at least have an open discussion about it and see if it’s something that they have just never noticed about themselves before and whether that is something they are truthfully keen to improve. And how is your level of integrity with this interaction? Are you both respecting each other’s values or is it one-sided (you always having to adjust your own truth to accept something that is not in harmony with your soul). Everyone is generally innocent as we navigate our way through life – doing what we feel is right from the information we have and the experiences we have had thus far. If their way is a mismatch to your way, that doesn’t make it right/wrong, it’s different viewpoints coming together to express diversity and to hopefully learn / level-up from where we are. Learn from the experience and don’t judge it negatively – if someone is playing by a different set of rules, and it is not in harmony to where you are… learn that ‘that is not what resonates with me’ and move on, or express it and see if this is something you can both adapt to and harmonize – but neither should be doing anything that feels ‘off’ to them wherever they are at.
  • See every experience from a student-perspective – everyone is a teacher and everyone is a student simultaneously. We are learning about our own values and levels and where we’re at, from every interaction and experience. We are no better or lesser than anyone else. Everyone has something valuable to share. We are all ever-learning and expanding from the interaction of diversity. Ever creating new perspectives from every interaction and moment of life.
  • Listen to their words. This one – I realized later.. it was like.. an “omg”… it’s not like he didn’t tell me he was evil. He used those exact words – with a giggle he would say “I am evil”. (Red Flag dude! RED. FLAG.) And the way he spoke about others was with no respect – a venomous way that should’ve alerted me much earlier than it did – with every word he shared about the others (that I thought were his friends) in his life – I should’ve realized that those same words would be used at some stage about me. People show you who they are – believe them. Be careful not to think you are special or that he would be different with you – they show you which ‘level of the game’ they are at, and you should trust that. If they have no respect for the other people in their life – then they are showing you where they are in their conscious/sub-conscious.  As you get to know each other, it’s good to give them the ‘benefit of the doubt’ when red-flags show up, and hold space for their potential, but that doesn’t mean turning a blind-eye to the warning signs – your instincts.. and the words they use to describe others. If they hold hate in their heart, and are mean-spirited about others, then those ‘traits’ are undealt with shit that they are measuring you with. This is their view of the world from their experience so far, and we all carry beliefs from our past experiences and perceptions. Observe and learn, and see if it’s going to be a problem. (When I talk with my conscious friends about things they say that are not very nice – they pull themselves up immediately and can see things from multiple-perspectives, realizing that they are not taking responsibility for their own part they play in a situation – but when you talk with people who are ‘not like that’, they will continue to blame others for their woes and even get defensive or nasty at you for ‘triggering’ that ‘they’ may actually be the one that needs to expand their awareness to see everyone’s point of view from a place of ‘they didn’t know then because their life experiences thus far had given them a certain perspective where they thought what they were doing was the ‘right thing’).
  • Lots of people have traumas and wounds carried throughout their entire lives. Those with big ego’s will never admit it. They will blame everyone else before shining the torch on themselves. If it’s “everyone else’s fault” – then that is a big red flag. Those that are not afraid to admit that they still have issues and are actively working on them, are much better than those who blame everyone else for their woes. Lots of people need to do a lot of therapy and self-work – but won’t. Some of us who have big hearts (and our own inner-wounds), like to ‘nurture the wounded child’ within them, which can cause us to be ever-compromising with our own values, just to care-take. Realize that whilst this seems like a nice value to have, you should never go against your own values for another – you become an enabler of their abuse. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to not allow them to stay in that victim-mode state. See & care for the inner-child but ‘be the change’ – be the best you can be for yourself, live up / stay-true to your values, live in your own integrity, help them by being empowered yourself, by believing in yourself, by having confidence and living true from your heart – show them a better way of being, by staying true to your higher-self, rather than keeping them ‘small, safe, and coddled’. i.e. if you are walking on eggshells for someone – this is what I mean. Notice this EARLY enough to correct it, because if you don’t – it’s soooo much harder because once you’re in deep – there are so many entanglements and beliefs you’ve had to take on to ‘keep it up’ that you start to believe a completely different reality that is really hard to let go of once you’ve made it your truth & created automatic-habitual behaviour around it – you can’t see the obviousness that everyone else is telling you because you have built & moved-into a deluded fantasy that only you understand because you have shaped your beliefs around nurturing them to the detriment of your own integrity and self-worth.
  • You can’t save people. You can only be an example. Unless someone asks you for help – they are not asking for help – do not take on the role of saviour, and even then, you empower them more by sticking true to your values and ever-improving yourself, rather than ‘changing yourself’ to be some kind of nurse or hero or guru in their life. Empower them by living true to your beliefs, inspire them by ‘being’ that which you preach, not by seeing how traumatised they are and wrapping them in cotton wool – keeping them ‘small’ and sub-consciously bringing forth their own feelings of unworthiness. If you care about them and want to help them – help yourself & be your best self and allow them to step into their greatness because they ‘want to’. Keeping people powerless – keeps people powerless. People all the time think they are caring when they see someone hurting by ‘feeling sorry’ for them. Have compassion and love, but hold a space for their best self by believing in them, helping them to see their worth – yet never stepping-out of your own worth to make someone ‘higher’ than you for their ego. We are equals – we are each helping each other. You will learn so much about yourself and they will learn so much about themselves from every experience. We are constantly levelling-up from where we are. Don’t keep people in a cage of self-sabotage and misery by coddling that behaviour. There is a way to have compassion for them by being a ‘friend’ – a caring connection – helping them see the bigger picture with honesty. And if you can’t be honest with them – then you are sacrificing your own values to not hurt their ego.
  • Never become what you ‘think’ someone else needs/wants. You are you – a unique aspect of creation – a valuable individual with lots to offer. Be ever-improving yourself, but only if it resonates with you. Don’t do it to appease another’s affections – improve yourself because you want to improve yourself, and don’t ‘become someone else’ or a ‘slave to another’s desires’ to match someone else’s expectations – unless it’s something that you feel is an ‘improvement of you’ – something that you want to do for you. 
  • If you are starting to feel crazy – if your beliefs are not what “everyone else is thinking”, then stop. This means – if what you are saying to them – you wouldn’t be comfortable to say out loud to a group of people without a lot of resistance – then stop. Don’t engage in your crazy or involve anyone else in your crazy. This was hard for me at the time, because I was in the middle of a life-experiment. I was trying on “trusting the universe”. And also listening to every kind of conspiracy theory and spiritual guru available. I should not of been involved with anyone during this experiment. Big lesson. I had a lot of resistance to speaking my truth with him – probably because I had a band-of-angels trying to hold me back from speaking my crazy! hehe. If there is resistance to speaking your truth, then there is a red flag there – for yourself (are you living out of alignment?) or for them (you don’t feel you can be honest with them about who you are… so what are you doing with them?)
  • Sort your shit out. Most people get into relationships with others hoping the other will ‘complete’ them. To fulfill a desperate void in their heart. There are no missing gaps when you have worked on yourself. Come to the table with a full bowl, not a beggar’s bowl. Relationships are never forced – it feels like a natural emergence. If you are constantly texting them or are always the one to try and ‘move the relationship along’, then most likely you have some kind of twisted attachment to how ‘you want it to be’ that is not a natural alignment to ‘the way it is’. If you feel resistance – then you are not going at the same pace as the other – you think that you have to “show them how keen you are” and you “don’t want to play games – you want them to know you are serious” etc etc.. whatever the case may be… you think if you don’t try – then you will lose them – that right there is a red flag for yourself. If there is more ‘effort’ on your behalf – slow down because it’s probably your own issues that are wanting to push it along. Come to the table with something to offer, not with gaping, desperate wounds from the past. Sometimes you only find out about these wounds when you interact with someone – maybe the purpose of that ‘connection’ you felt with them, was for you to work on those wounds – who knows, but if you notice that you have ‘issues’ and triggers and fears and stuff coming up within you – pangs or waves of depression or insecurity – there is shit in yourself that you need to sort out. Maybe you will be lucky enough to be with someone who is equally as keen on you as you are them and can help you work through them once you identify your own shit, but more than likely – they will become more and more of a trigger for you to deal with your ‘undealt’ with stuff. A mirror of what you ‘don’t like about yourself’ or what you are here to learn. As they trigger you – you resent them and expect them to be more “caring” more “loving” more “attentive” more “something” that you think they need to be. It’s not their job to help you feel better about yourself – you do not need anything external to validate you – so do the work. Work on your self and have awareness of any stuff that comes up – that is yours – from your childhood, from your traumas, from your past experiences, and don’t put that on them. Take responsibility for your own self-issues and start recognizing where your own shit is interfering with the connection. Empower yourself. Recognize where you are not where you want to be and start doing the inner-work to complete the ‘incompletions’ of the past and shine a torch within to see where ‘you’ are not valuing yourself. I would bet that 90% of the troubled-relationships out there are caused by people expecting the other to ‘complete’ them, rather than realizing that only you have the power to do that. 
  • If you think they are betraying you – trust that intuition. That doesn’t mean that they are – but there is something “fucked-up” if you are thinking that way. Something out of alignment – something amiss. I got the sense and I didn’t want to believe it, so I ignored it. Several relationships I’ve had the same ‘instinct’ that I dismissed as being paranoid or ‘negative’ or somehow bringing about what I didn’t want to happen, so ‘hoping for the best’ and trusting. I won’t ignore this sense anymore – if you feel like they are betraying you – you have to:
    1.) do the work (work on your own self-esteem issues, traumas, abandonment-issues, anything that makes you feel like you have to get your ‘value’ from an external-force… they should feel free and so should you – you don’t have any right to control another person – nor they you)…  
    and 2.) trust your intuition – bring it to the surface honestly and ensure you are both on the same page of what is considered a betrayal of trust – maybe what they are doing, they feel perfectly entitled to do because they are playing from a different idea of agreements based on their own unique view on life. Don’t be with someone you don’t trust and trust that feeling if you feel like ‘they can’t be trusted’ because something is out of alignment. It might be something within or it might be something they are doing that is showing you that this is not what you hoped it would be. For me it was both – I was living out of integrity, so I lived in fear (which I recognized as ‘love’ lol), which made me feel paranoid, and he was secretly doing things to ‘make fun’ of me and destroying my reputation behind the scenes for his ego-boosting and social-pleasure. My visions were showing me what he was doing, but my dreams were telling me to trust his soul. I really should’ve listened to my visions but they were new to me (never had them before) and so I chose the most loving/trusting one so that I could keep blind-sighted on what was really happening and not have to face the harsh & humiliating reality. I now think my visions were a manifestation of my soul to show me – trust your intuition, not ‘trust what you hope is true’ hehe. But yeah… by this time, I was well and truly in a different world – nothing was real – I was in a trance-state and my mind was completely cross-eyed. Even with the betrayal, I still played a part in this play. I still allowed it all to unfold that way by my own free-will choices. 

Damn reading this I see I have my guard-up and that I no longer am the soft-hearted person I was before this experience. Sigh. 

Benefits of going through Dark Night of the Soul:

  • I got to scratch all my beliefs and start again, so instead of having a lifetime of various conspiracies and truths, I had a wipe-out and slowly integrated beliefs on an as-needed basis.
  • I got rid of all my fears, and did 2+ years of shadow work.
  • Resolved and completed 100’s of things that I didn’t even know were still running my life on auto-pilot from my sub-conscious mind.
  • I no longer carry around anxiety or this “heavy-dread-feeling” that I always had with me (that I didn’t even know was there – until it was gone).
  • I live in the moment rather than in the dead-past or imagined future, whilst this is a blessing, there is also a downside – see below.
  • I’m more humble and tend to go within when there is any conflict, rather than seek to blame anything external for my woes.
  • I now look at the ‘role I play’ in situations a lot more – I see where I ‘allow’ a certain pathway to unfold by my own choices. I now actually see the ‘choice-points’ very clearly.
  • I can now see multiple perspectives to everything, simultaneously. I see my way, their way, the other way, another way, other people’s way, society’s way, that particular group’s way, the cosmic way, the spiritual way, the universal-consciousness way lol… I don’t know to describe it, but I can now see an expanded picture of every situation I’m in – where all the players are, what their role is – what part they are playing. That there are hundreds of ways of seeing the exact same moment and where each are at, and the various perspectives I can take on, which will navigate me through it. 
  • I don’t desire or expect anything from anyone. I have removed all attachments to expectations.
  • I truly understand the concept now of “coming together with others to learn about ourselves”.. learning about ourselves through the diversity of others, levelling-up, that we really are teachers & students simultaneously. 
  • I now understand my values, living true to my authenticity, integrity and soul. 
  • If demons or negative entities exist, I know how to transmute them.
  • If all the spiritual, cosmic, or religious information holds some truth – I now know how to listen to various perspectives and world-views with discernment instead of just ‘taking them on’ as my truth. That goes for conspiracies, mediums & psychics, aliens, virtual realities, parallel realities, different dimensions, and everything else that I enjoy learning about or discussing with others. All of it is just “up there” in a different area of the brain – where I can draw from it to ‘understand a concept’ without needing to delude myself or go crazy. 
  • I have a new relationship with the I Ching and Tao way of thinking. It was the only thing I could trust when I couldn’t trust anyone else – there was at least “some benevolent” shadow-work thing that I was able to tap-into at a time where I didn’t trust myself to tap-into anything – not my spiritual stuff, not friends, not myself. But the I Ching gave me an outlet – I was able to ask 1000’s of questions and get benevolent advice to each question, that really helped me “see it from another perspective” because I really saw I was “in the right” and couldn’t see my own part in the play – until the I Ching. The I Ching stopped me from becoming a psychopath when it all unfolded, because it gave me a private-one-on-one deeply honest and secret session with wisdom that had been passed on for thousands of years – that had stood the test of time. I have a new understanding of people who become “born-again” after their dark night’s – they turn to bibles and religion and grasp any kind of time-tested benevolence that will help them through. The I Ching has been that blessing for me. 
  • I meditate all the time, my life is a meditation. There is an infinite-space that you can tap-into, that is beyond words – it helps you solve the messed-up rubix-cube of our scattered thoughts, past patterns and conditioning, and find your own unique place in this infinite universe that we have made so small in day-to-day reality. It helps you ‘let go’ of all your beliefs – everything you have told yourself you are and everything “everyone else” has shaped you to be, and basically help you ‘work shit out’ from a broader, more expansive, more benevolent place. 

Worst things about going through Dark Night of the Soul: 

  • I’m a shell of a person that I used to be, no longer ‘vibrant’ or confident, no longer passionate about anything.
  • I don’t trust anyone, not even myself – but I’m working on it.
  • I have no dreams of a ‘better life’ or anything to ‘work towards’.
  • I don’t consider myself a ‘happy’ person anymore. I don’t dare to do anything to draw attention to myself, to be happy, to lift others up, or to do anything ‘silly’ or ‘loud’ or ‘higher-vibe’. It’s all about being serious and contemplating and figuring things out. Whilst before this, I had just starting to see life as fun… now it’s not exactly grim, but it’s definitely not fun. Working on this.
  • I can’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed, although I do have warmness within me, but nothing really makes me laugh anymore.
  • I no longer have compassion for others. I do – but it’s not the same. Before I could “feel their pain”, I could feel what people were going through and my heart and soul went out to them, I knew exactly what they were going through and I would feel the pain with them and really have compassion for them. I don’t now. There’s nothing there. Whilst I still ‘care’ about others, I don’t have the ‘feelings’ that I used to have – they just aren’t there. Not sure if this is a blessing or a curse, but I’ve had this my entire life and now it’s gone, so it definitely feels … disconnected.
  • I can’t feel my heart.
  • I no longer see myself as a ‘lantern’ to light the way for others – although that pathway still resonates with me. I just don’t feel I have the wisdom to help others – maybe because I thought I had “the answers” before, and this showed me that I can still fall. I had overcome ‘suffering’ and wanted to help others overcome ‘suffering’… but then I fell into the pits of suffering deeper than I had ever gone before. If that can still happen to me, what help am I to others? It could also be the environment I’m in (I’m still living/working at the scene of the crime), but I used to make the ‘environment around me’ shine. I no longer have that ability.
  • The way I went through the dark night was the most traumatic event I’ve ever been through – more horrible than every other trauma that I have lived through… raped, 27 years in hospital, being homeless, feeling abandoned by & furious at my parents & living as if I should never of been born, more horrible than my last partner who was my first ‘awakening’, scarier than when I was dying, and so much more. The reason this “little thing” was more traumatic than my biggest traumas… is because it happened “after” I had healed all this. I had found my magic… I felt more confident and happy than I had ever been. I felt like I truly had something to offer all those that have suffered in this world to find their magic. I was at the height of my life after what I thought had been a very traumatic life already – and “after I had the answers”… after I had found my magic – one casual intimate friendship – was able to break down everything that I had built up. So it’s like.. it was the worst one because I thought I was invincible at the time, that I was truly helping the world. When you feel low, you already know you feel low – but when you have that “spark” – and someone is still able to blow it out – you lose faith in yourself. I can never go back to that girl, but I hope that something better will come of this. It’s just.. I hate that I no longer help others because I don’t want them to end up where I did. But I still need to record and share my experience – in case me “doing it this way and walking through the hellfire” .. is actually going to help someone “not” have to walk through the hellfire, or at least get out of it faster by recognizing what I did and how maybe they can learn ‘what not to do’ from my experience. Not exactly the ‘life-plan’ I had for myself. I really wanted to be the inspiration. 
  • I can’t define something – I get really confused when I try and discern between “being humble” / losing the confident-ego (not being cocky/full of myself), to “having self-confidence” and feeling empowered… there’s like this … weird thing going on in my mind, where I have to try and define something here to give myself permission to be my best self – whilst not being ‘high in the sky’ or blinded by my ego. It’s like if I’m ‘happy’ or ‘loud’, I have to quickly shut myself down because I might be ‘disturbing’ others. I don’t give myself permission to shine. I keep myself in the background.
  • It shattered all my beliefs on all that was good in the world. I think this is the worst thing that came out of it. I experienced unconditional love / oneness just a few weeks prior to it. I lived that way, and I ended up finding out things about myself (through the eyes of others) that I didn’t know existed / that I never identified myself as… and it was horrific. I saw myself as a loving human being and I found out that was ‘detested’ & considered ‘needy/desperate’. I got called a ‘nightmare’. I had a worldview that I thought would help the world – and I didn’t see that my ‘being loving’ was actually ‘offensive & disgusting’ to the world. I thought that everyone should live like this hehe. And although I still think that way – I can see where my ‘triggers’ actually took it to a whole other level that wasn’t at all what I intended or realized was going on at the time. I actually ended up acting pretty desperate & needy as I tried to ‘win back my respect’ from the humiliation and shame that I felt when I realized ‘how they saw me’ which was not ‘how I saw me’.
  • I switched from being positive-polarized to negative-polarized right when I was going to ‘help others’ get positive-polarized.. actually this is the reason I ended up in this situation to begin with… my confidence in ending my own suffering and having someone that ‘needed my worldview’ for “him” to become positive… and I didn’t want my dream of ‘travelling around and helping people with my positive-mission to ‘fail’. So my ego wouldn’t allow me to see that things were going pear-shaped because I still saw myself as a confident, happy person here to help. 


Penny (PennyButler.com)
Penny (PennyButler.com)

Who are we? What are we doing here? What is the meaning of life? Penny is a truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and deeper down the rabbit hole. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, whilst providing a searchable archive to easily lookup and reference.