Co-misery (lowering your frequency to make them feel better)

IN Philosophy & Spirituality

About the 1 hour mark (paraphrasing, notes, and thoughts):

You have a choice of how you want to feel, and that is your power. You have to lower your frequency through choice, and we have this empathetic & tribal thing where we lower our frequency to match because either we don’t want to be different or we think we’re making “them” feel better by going down to their level.

Yet if someone in your life breaks a leg – you don’t go and break your leg too, yet we feel that we have to do that on an emotional scale. The best thing you can do is hold the frequency of your highest vision for your self, because then you’re en-training them on what is possible. (Hold space for them.)

We’re too anxious to rescue people through empathy and frequency-matching. If a professional-victim is suffering, they’re going to try and drag you down to their level because they feel comfortable if you are on the same level they are. If you’re too high, they’ll feel threatened. So they’ll do whatever they can to try and get you to be with them in their space. And if you don’t do it, they’ll reject you. You can’t force someone to raise their vibration, but you can hold your own, and if they are interested in changing – they will. And if they’re not interested, they will leave or reject you.

It’s all about frequency-matching and frequency-sorting. As we raise our vibration and consciousness, it’s very common that we don’t fit with certain friends anymore, or we don’t fit in the job we have anymore, you just have moved into a higher frequency beyond that group of people, and they aren’t going to go with you – they don’t want to go with you. New people will come into your life who match that new frequency.

You don’t want to hang around with people who don’t want to grow, because they’ll just drag you down. Noone wants to lose their friends or be different from them, but you’re going to lose some people and gain some people. You have to honour yourself, and it’s not better or worse, it’s honouring yourself. 

Matching people with a lower vibration is called “Co-Miseration”.
Co-miserating with someone ‘oh let’s share our misery and bad-luck stories and our illnesses’ and we’ll be in that swamp together. You get to a point where you can’t do it for everybody – put out what you are into and people will find you.

Someone who goes to the bar everyday at 4pm is not going to be on the same frequency as someone who just came back from a Tony Robbins conference. We’re all vibrating at different frequencies, and are constantly frequency-matching and frequency-sorting. Those who are in alignment to the frequency we’re currently exploring, will feel comfortable and expansive when we’re in each other’s presence. Those who are not will annoy us or drain us.

I found personally that when I was always happy – I was always trying to make other people happy and always deeply felt sad when someone else was sad and wanted to raise them up, but during my dark-night period, I could not be around any “happy” people – they annoyed and irritated me, and because I felt so “wrong” about my own being at that time, that anyone “happy” which represented “who I was before I was betrayed by the world” – I did want to “bring them down to my level” and thought it was more “for their protection” although in hindsight it was probably my lower frequency wanting to co-miserate. So this is a real thing. Right now I’m very calm and centred, and have been for a long time, but tend to keep to myself and have very calm and centred conversations with others. I do still have varying vibrational-friends that are vibrating higher & lower frequencies, but my compass is sort of always balanced and I don’t really go “up or down” anymore, or get knocked-off centre by anyone external, but I do tend to avoid anything that I would previously probably put myself in because one of the things the IChing taught me was that the reason all these negative things happened was cos I “kept putting my thumb out”, in other words – I kept putting myself in these situations thinking I was helping and caring – and yet these people were extracting and destroying. I would like to experience more “up” as I consciously create my life though :) But I’m not going to knock the feeling of centredness that I have now. And I do believe “not putting myself” into dark areas is a very big reason why I’m not experiencing the “down” as much as the balanced. 

Penny (
Penny (

Who are we? What are we doing here? What is the meaning of life? Penny is a truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and deeper down the rabbit hole. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, whilst providing a searchable archive to easily lookup and reference.