Female Asperger Syndrome Traits [Intellectual]

IN Autism Aspergers

Found a list of Female-specific Asperger syndrome traits online and decided to go for a walk and comment on each of the sections to see what traits I relate to. This post covers the Intellectual section.

May have been diagnosed as autistic or Asperger’s when young, or may of been thought of as gifted, shy, sensitive, etc. May also have had obvious or severe learning deficits.

No to the diagnosis. The only thing I can relate to this in both shyness and sensitive, and I didn’t identify it as ‘anxiety’, but it’s an accurate word I guess for how I feel now if I have to ‘go out and face the world’. For me, it was a resistance and avoidance, but not actually thinking of it as ‘social anxiety’ until I did an online test and it said that I had extreme social anxiety. Isn’t it amazing wording people use that make you look at things in a different way.

I was definitely shy. In primary school I used to climb the trees in the back of the playground to avoid the other kids. I spent a lot of time avoiding school as much as I could get away with and I thought it was because I didn’t like school, but it was probably because I was extremely anxious, I felt I had really low self-esteem, and felt ostracized. I used to make myself sick with asthma – sometimes unconsciously, like I would actually get an attack, and sometimes it was an ‘excuse’ to avoid school, in that I would make it worse than it was so that I could stay home. When mum worked from home, I could get away with months of it. Watching cartoons all day at home. If I did make friends in the first primary school and they didn’t go along with what I wanted to do, then I would leave the circle and do my own thing. I would feel bad about losing them as friends but I would never try and step back in.

I wasn’t a healthy child and spent a lot of time in hospital, even up to in my 20’s, and I used to take an oxygen tank with me to high school. I had no idea about nutrition back then, no idea about grief and holding onto to sickness, the side-effect of wearing the ‘sick badge’ making you ‘more sick’, and I was allergic to everything causing hay fever. Our go-to lunch was sandwiches, and if you eat bread, you get inflammation, and when you get inflammation you get hay fever or asthma. My parents and I didn’t have a clue about nutrition – I just ate whatever I wanted. It was in my 30’s before I started to look into health and nutrition and getting off medications.

In the 5th grade, we moved towns, so I started a new primary school. I used to hang out with the teacher on yard-duty. I thought it was because I was terrified of the other kids. There was this kid that fell in love with me – he was only obsessed because I was the new kid not because he’d had any interaction with me whatsoever. He had just ‘decided’ that he wanted to marry me. In that school they actually had ‘weddings’ in the playground. I thought it was ridiculous that kids were doing this fake-wedding thing, and mortified that they would force a girl who was not interested into being someone’s wife, so not only was I uninterested in the boy, terrified of being forced into this fake-marriage, and confused by the entire ritual of this new school, but I was also anti-marriage in general. I was scared of them all trying to force me into marrying this boy just because he liked me even though he couldn’t talk to me- so it was confusing as hell. I spent those 2 years hiding behind the teacher. The teacher didn’t want me hanging around but I didn’t leave his view. I didn’t want to be with the other kids. I know that I made friends with some of them, but I don’t remember much about my childhood, just glimpses of things. I know that we must’ve had conflict because I remember one girl making me clothing for my teddy bear to try and repair our friendship but I don’t remember what our problems were. My whole childhood is a bit of a blur. I tend to only remember big ‘bad’ things and not much of the everyday mundane or ‘good’ things.

In high school I felt ugly and unpopular, didn’t really relate to anyone and felt really awkward and nervous all the time. I felt like I got ‘everything wrong’. Trying to fit in – the way I did my hair was wrong, the clothes were wrong, wearing makeup was wrong, the things I said and did were wrong. I just wasn’t on the same page as any of them. I was a bit of a nerd for the first few years. Then I found my little slot when I started being more funny, or singing with my little group that I used to hang out with. High school is also a blur except I wrote more in my diary at that age so every decade or so, I stumble upon a diary and can get a sense of my head-space.

In the later years of high school, I had a few good friends, and I also started smoking and felt accepted by the ‘bad kids’ I guess you could call them. Wanting to be accepted somewhere has been a main theme throughout my life, especially when I look at my diaries. I only found out last year that they thought I was weird, and so in hindsight I think they only put up with me because they liked my little sister who was extremely popular. I still could never have a conversation with them or anything but wow .. just realizing now that I’m trying to remember things because of this Asperger’s thing, I’m actually starting to see my entire life in a completely different way. A different life-story based on this brain-wiring difference lol – it’s freaking me out. You’ve got your view of the world and people and they’ve got their view of the world and people and what I thought was going on, was not going on.

I also didn’t find people’s jokes funny. Like mean-jokes. I feel like when people are being ‘mean as a joke’, they are literally knocking that person down and saying what they really feel under the disguise of humour to get away with saying nasty things and then say “I was only joking – can’t you take a joke” to anyone who gets offended by it.

Often musical, artistic.

Not artistic. Musical yes.
I played flute in high school but really wanted to learn guitar, drums or saxophone but my parents couldn’t afford the instruments or the lessons. I had one drum lesson – I loved it – but I wasn’t invited to go back. I’ve always wanted to learn guitar (I own 3 of them) but less interested now but I’m less interested in “everything” now, I’m less interested in ‘life’ now. I was in all the school plays in high school but wasn’t confident enough to play any lead roles.

The last few years has just been trying to stabilize myself into some kind of normal so that I can function in this world. Looking into Asperger’s, I feel a mixture of relief and confusion. I’m relieved that there might be some kind of explanation as to why my life has been the way that it is, but confused as to which aspects of that is the Asperger’s vs me being a socially awkward fruit-cake.

I used to love singing. Karaoke every weekend for years and even though it was nerve-racking, I still loved it – it was my only joy for a long time. I did need to be drunk to get up on the little stage though. But what happened?
2 things that stopped me from singing. Once when I was about 18, I was at Karaoke with a table of friends, and there was an older guy singing a song I absolutely loved “He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother“, and we were all singing along with him from our table, but afterwards I went up to tell him how much I loved that song and he snapped at me, that I had ruined his song and that he would sing it again and this time, could we not sing. I was devastated, angry, confused, embarrassed and hurt. I stopped going to karaoke.

Then a few years later, when I was fruitpicking, the exact same situation happened. One of the fruitpickers was a singer/songwriter and we all used to sing on the balcony or go to the river to sing, and one night she was asked to sing in the pub downstairs, so we all went along and had a fantastic night, she was on her guitar singing and we were all dancing and singing along with her.

The next day, I went into the pub, we were talking about how great the previous night was, and a guy sitting at the bar said everything was good except for you. And the same overwhelming emotions came over me. Devastated, remembering that first time which kind of validated to me that “I” ruined the night. But I was confused because every single person in the entire bar was singing and dancing, so why single me out? So yeah. I don’t sing in public anymore. I think my voice is ok – nothing brilliant – nothing Xfactor – but I can hold a tune. I don’t remember the full lyrics of any song, which I guess is weird and never really thought about it much other than being annoying. But I used to love singing until I believed I was ‘too much’ for people. Like somehow I’m disturbing their peace by singing so now I only sing when I’m in the car driving down the highway, alone – and not even then. It’s very rare that I sing.

One thing that came to mind yesterday was a time when I was in my early 20’s I think, and I used to over-play the same song – over and over and over and over and over again. I remember living in a share-house and them asking me to turn off that damn song. It was “Lover, lover lover, you don’t treat me no good no more”. I loved that song on repeat, over and over and over and over. Maybe that was an Aspie thing? I don’t do that now (I have my go-to’s, but I don’t replay the same song over & over & over again) and I can’t recall other times when I’ve done that but I just recalled that yesterday so maybe it’s relevant.

I have a Spotify account and rarely listen to music, but when I do, I listen to the playlist I’ve saved on Spotify and I have about 5 songs on my phone that I can play but rarely play.

May have a savant skill or strong talent(s).

I would say that I focus on whatever my interest is until I’ve exhausted it to the bitter end. Whatever I’m currently interested in, I need to know everything there is to know about it – every aspect and perspective and idea, until I’ve exhausted every possible angle. I dive deep into a subject until I’ve exhausted all possible understandings of it.

I wish I could say I was like Rain Man in which I have a specific otherworldly talent – some kind of gift, but I haven’t found that to be true for me. I used to think it was my intuition, but I never trusted that. I could tell people were being deceptive or untruthful but could never pinpoint what it was they were being untruthful about because I could never get validation – people just lie. Until people speak the truth, I don’t know how I’m ever going to validate that. I don’t even know if my intuition is 100% and if it is, it’s absolutely horrible what goes on in people’s thoughts.

When I was into I.T., I was really good at it. If there was any problem to fix, I just knew exactly where to go to fix it. I was just like a sponge of knowledge about that. I had some dumb moments in the beginning which propelled me to research “everything” and try everything and get really stuck into it until I got really good at it. And now it’s gone, and I don’t know where it went. I wonder whether my brain was damaged or whether it is an Asperger’s trait that once you lose your passion for something you lose the knowledge of it – but that doesn’t make sense. To be so good at something – to be an expert in it to the point where any position – you could throw anything at me, and no matter what – I would figure it out, and then to suddenly lose it?

I know the time-frame I lost it. I was in a shitty long-term relationship which has it’s own “could write a book about it” story, and I also felt like I had some kind of brain tumor. I quit my I.T. job and started my own business, and sometime in that 6 month period, I lost my brain. I was laying on the bed out of it. I feel like it was a toxic house in both relationship-wise and a toxic house as in mould or something. There was a torment in me all the time. And he can point-blank lie to my face about his own end-goals, and I knew that if I put the puzzle together, it would ruin my life. I wanted the soul-mate story to have a king/queen happy ending, but it was a one-sided dream. The house was connected to backyard sewerage and the bathroom reeked of it, and I think the house was just full of “toxins”. My head was thumping and foggy and I couldn’t cope with everything. Was always sick, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. Went from 20 hour days with hundreds on my todo list, to not being able to do just a couple of things before having to lie down in pain. But at some stage in the time period of living in that house, I lost everything I cared about, my business, my relationship, my health, and my passion for everything.

But being the computer & internet marketing guru was my ‘identity’. I was really good at it – in my head I hadn’t lost the ability. That was who I am, I was famous for it, I had lived & breathed it, that was my whole world. And it took years to figure out that actually, I don’t want to do it anymore, I’m done. It took years to understand that just because you’re good at something, doesn’t mean it’s your “forever thing”, and doesn’t mean that you’re always going to be good at it, because I ‘lost’ the ability to do things I could always easily do.

It’s also very difficult for job agencies and employers to understand that just because you have something listed on your resume, that you still can do the same positions. I lost passion for it and along with the passion went all the expertise and I couldn’t do it anymore. Very hard to explain that to anyone. There’s something wrong with my brain?

Even today on the job interview, they were reading out things from my resume that I’d accomplished years ago, but I’m no longer interested in those things. Been there, done that, got the postcard, trying to discover what my ‘next thing is’.

They mentioned courses I’d done (Gosh, I can’t remember what I did in those courses) as well as suggested they wanted to change their website over the next few months (I used to make websites for over a decade, did they want me to suggest I do their website?) But, but, but.. that’s my past, not my now. I kind of want to blank-slate my resume. I’m not normal in that my resume is not a build-up to my ‘now’, it’s more a reference of ‘who I used to be, what I’ve explored so far’.

With everything that is brought up – a subject / topic / statement / opinion. I have to look at that – and every other perspective that can come out of that. It’s an infinite wormhole – strands that keep continuing because there’s seemingly infinite number of ways to look at it. I’m in my mind a lot in that regard. Sometimes I think nothing – I’m blank – but I think that’s more training, because I used to think so much about everything and needed it to stop and trained my mind to have the ability to switch off (and completely disregard) the thoughts, but that’s a long story too as to why I did that. But researching topics that I’m interested in – until I’m done with it, seems to be my thing.

My ideal job may not of been invented yet, but maybe it’s around somewhere. If there were somewhere with a database of all the things people wanted help researching, and I could “pick” a topic that I was interested in, I could research the heck out if it for them. But I can’t do it if I’m not interested in the topic. Hmm, maybe I should write books for a living, choosing topics I’m interested in and exhausting them until I’m done.

May have a strong interest in computers, games, science, graphic design, inventing, things of a technological and visual nature. More verbal thinkers may gravitate to writing, languages, cultural studies, psychology.

The response was so big, I moved it to it’s own post here.

May be a self-taught reader, been hyperlexic as a child, and will possess a wide variety of other self-taught skills as well.

No to the self-taught reader, no to the hyperlexia. Yes to teaching myself skills. In fact, I learnt more teaching myself than when I did courses, and have done many online courses, but mostly used Google and books.

May be highly educated but will have had to struggle with social aspects of college. May have one or many partial degrees.

That is so 100% me. I would love learning but hate doing it with other people. I would much prefer to be interested in a subject and use the internet or books to learn it myself than have someone else tell me ‘their version’. The other reason I don’t like doing it in a class setting, is because alone, I can focus on the topics I want to learn and skip the lessons of what I already know or don’t care about.

I can’t public speak to save myself. When I used to do karaoke, the nerves in my stomach were only overcome by copious amounts of alcohol. There’s no way I would be able to get up and sing sober. Unfortunately, getting drunk before speaking in front of classmates is frowned upon.

As far as starting courses and never finishing them – I have so many. I have started so many courses and I sometimes thought that I quit the courses because I was more intelligent than the teacher, and maybe that was true for one of them, but for the rest I think it was a combination of social anxiety and boredom having to sit through irrelevant topics and go ‘at the same pace’ as the rest of the class instead of just diving in and learning what I want to learn.

The last course, there was one girl that I got along well with, and I’m pretty sure now that she has Asperger’s because she actually saw the world the same as me. And the rest of the class was giving me the awkward eye thing that I’ve grown accustomed from just about everyone.

So yes to being highly educated, way more educated than my certificates would suggest because my life is spent as a constant stream of self-study that far outweigh anything I’ve learnt at university.

Can be very passionate about a course of study or job, and then change direction or go completely cold on it very quickly.

Wow. But isn’t that like everybody? It really is me.
When I get excited about a job (and it’s been a long time since I’ve been excited about ‘anything’), but just going by the past, when I was excited about a job, I would love that job and be ‘the best at it’, even for years, but once I’m off, I’m off and can’t do another minute of it, and the 2 weeks notice you have to give is the most excruciating shifts I’ve ever endured.

The other problem I have with courses, is that I might be passionate about one or two modules, but the rest of the course doesn’t interest me or I feel I already have it covered to the point where I know about it, and I never understood why you had to pay $30,000/yr and waste 4-5 years of your life doing a lengthy degree when you’re only interested in 2 modules. I also can’t commit to 4-5 years of something that I may lose interest in after a couple of months.

I also never understood why there were 4-5 years of learning to begin with? For most occupations, you can learn more in a couple of weeks “on-the-job” than you would at 4 years at university.

Classroom-based learning definitely doesn’t make for better employees, I found that especially true for I.T. related jobs, that they may have a degree but unless they are self-taught, self-interested in the subject and have a natural method of problem-solving, they are kinda useless at doing the actual job they spent 4 years studying. Unless they are passionate about the subject, they are also miles behind the rest of the staff as to troubleshooting methods and the like.

I’ve often wondered (and still do) why home-care, disability care, and those kinds of occupations had long courses of study when caring for people should be a natural trait and on-the-job learning next to someone with a decade of experience would teach you far more effectively than a classroom setting, even more strange to me is that most courses require you to get on-the-job training so you are now working with no pay for a year to get your certificate – huh? You paid $30-$100k for that certificate but you still have to ‘work for free’? B.t.w. I’m aware that the majority don’t share this perspective and that my opinion about it falls on deaf ears.

Right now in my current interest in Autism, I’d like to do a course on it to learn more. But even though it’s online learning, it doesn’t start for another 3 months (I’m interested “NOW”), it costs s $9,800 (and you need to pay up-front or go via government FEE-Help – ouch wtf), it takes a year to complete (ugh!), you have fixed classes and fixed times to submit assignments. I’m also thinking even if I was fine with all of that, that I am also too divergent to stick to one method of education and one ‘right way’. I like to explore deeper from different places that maybe their way wouldn’t allow me to explore ‘alternative non-mainstream’ views.

I much prefer utilizing that short-period of when I’m intensely focused on a subject to do it now. Studying something right when I’m intensively interested in it, and learning fast. Classroom settings, even online-based, are not designed for people like me. I like self-study courses best, in particular I like short-courses where you learn a specific skill in the shortest amount of time possible (like a day at most), so online marketing courses were perfect for me – you sign up to learn a skill, you learn the skill, and now you can utilize that skill immediately. Not collecting degrees or certificates but learning skills you want to use straight away. If I’m not interested in a topic at the time of learning it, I struggle to take any of it in.

Will often have trouble holding onto a job and may find employment daunting.

The response was so big, I moved it to it’s own post here.

One of the things related to that is that if I get ‘used to a routine’, I have my system in place, and then my job-role is suddenly changed, I can get extremely depressed, feel traumatized, or have major anxiety, I might call in sick (because I literally ‘get’ sick, freeze, am debilitated by depression/resistance), or I might just quit the job because I didn’t understand why I’m feeling this way and not sure how to approach it. Yet if I know that changing roles is expected ‘from the start’, I seem to be absolutely fine with ‘wanting to have expertise in all areas’, but not ok with sudden changes, not ok with ‘throw-her-to-the-wolves’ scenarios. It’s just if I’m suddenly thrust into a new routine/completely different unexpected role, something happens to me on the inside.

I remember this when I went from ‘back of house’ building computers in the lab to “front-of-house” computer sales, and another time in retail where I was in one area of the store where I knew where everything was and felt completely competent, to them wanting to move me to a completely different area where I had no clue where anything was and knew that I wouldn’t be able to help anyone until I memorized everything. I felt like I’d have to lie to customers or be faced in situations where “I didn’t know” how to help. Classic Asperger’s. That resistance to change once a system is in place, is so automatic and debilitating. And maybe if I had of known about Asperger’s, I might of been able to explain what was going on with me, but I had no idea, I just had that instant-meltdown on the inside; overwhelmed with intense feelings of rage, disbelief, hurt, confused, to not feeling appreciated for my competence in the role I’d grown accustomed, to being placed on the spot, to having to re-learn everything from scratch, to being put in a situation where I’m “dumb” again after becoming confident, everything at once – lots of unbearable emotions on the inside of my being that I couldn’t identify.

Wow I never even knew this about myself. This is an eye-opening exercise.

Highly intelligent yet sometimes can be slow to comprehend due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.

The jobs that I struggled the most with is hard to remember because when I’m first learning something, I can be really dumb, but consider myself a quick-learner (always considered myself a quick learner) up until a few years ago when my brain was fried. So I think it’s more a missing nutrient or some problem with my brain that might be causing it (other than Asperger’s).

I remember doing some really dumb things at the start of jobs though. A dumb thing that came to mind yesterday was one of my first jobs, which was an I.T. traineeship at a local computer consultancy. I thought I was good with computers because I could use “Word Perfect”, loved to type, and played computer games on the internet lol. I got the job but a couple of days after I started, they put me in the computer lab because they needed to build a lot of computers. I’d ‘used’ a computer, but never ‘built’ a computer. The tech guy had to teach me – an introvert himself – and I didn’t even know what “RAM” is. Anyway, I took home all their books, soaked in whatever knowledge I could from the tech, and somehow I learnt and became confident in it. The dumb thing I did though was every computer that we built, when it came to installing the software – I used to read that big long “legal terms” that you have to agree to – for every operating system and software I installed.

So weird to think of myself doing that now but how brainwashed was I to have this incessant need to “follow the rules” to the point of insanity where I’m actually reading/skimming all the legal agreements before clicking ‘accept’ on customer pc’s? For me it was some kind of ‘scary’ thing that I had to make sure I do, and agreeing to these legal terms on behalf of the clients also felt ‘wrong’ – like scared to agree to something that might get me in trouble? I have no idea. Kinda funny thinking about it now but I’m still a bit dumb-founded why I did it.

After a while, I was now onto repairing & upgrading computers, and when I first started doing that – people would bring in their dirty old computers built by competitor’s, and I used to ‘re-badge’ them with our beautiful shiny logo after I fixed it. Wtf. Why would I do that? That is illogical. I really don’t understand how I didn’t “get it” then either. Maybe it was a habit I picked up from building so many computers and ‘badging” them, but I didn’t even think twice about it until it was pointed out to me. So until then, I thought I was doing ‘the right thing’, so there’s some quirk there – because it makes no sense. Somebody else built that computer, why would I put our badge on it, when we only repaired or added new hardware to it? FACE PALM That’s what we did for our new computers, so that’s ‘what I did’ automatically for the repairs that came in.

Smart enough to build a computer but too dumb to realize that I don’t need to read the licence terms and not to re-badge computers that we didn’t build.

But there is some kind of theme to that over my life. I’ve often found myself saying “Please teach me the right way the first time, because if you teach me the ‘wrong way’ I’m going to do it wrong from now until the end of time, so don’t skimp on teaching me the ‘right way’ to do something” I wonder if that type of thinking came from that original computer experience, or if it’s something my sub-conscious was aware about myself, that once I’ve ‘got the right system’, I continue to do it ‘the right way’ forever. So please teach me the ‘right’ way from the beginning, or allow me to create the ‘right way’ system.

But then I have been brilliant at learning advanced software packages and can get my mind around certain things that others can’t figure out, there were times that I just intuitively ‘knew’ things that others couldn’t wrap their mind around. I just always thought that some people can just ‘know’ mathematics or be good with learning instruments, etc. and we’ve each got our unique things that we’re attuned to. Some positions it was just ‘automatic’ that you could throw anything at me and I could just ‘figure it out’.

I remember when I was fruit-picking, the day I found hardest was when the farmer was explaining specifically the kind of peaches to pick. It had to be “exactly this size” and it had to be “exactly this colour”. Not too ripe, not too hard, and had a certain shade of red, but not this yellow/orange, etc. That particular day (other days were much easier), but that particularly day, he wanted us to only pick “specific” peaches for wherever that day’s harvest was going. I really wanted to get it ‘right’, but I didn’t see much difference between the peaches he was demonstrating (or maybe I was being “too pedantic” but I ended up ‘taking too long’ trying to make sure I was getting ‘exactly the right peaches and getting chastised by the long-term staff who seem to be gung-ho picking every single peach (like we would any other day).

I need to learn by doing, need competent instruction from friendly, helpful people, and I need processes and systems.

Will not do well with verbal instruction – needs to write down or draw diagram.

When I started my last job, they were trying to ‘explain’ the job without ‘showing’ me the job, and ‘explain my role’, with no context. I’d never worked or had anything to do with that particular industry. I didn’t know what my role was, what the processes were to complete it, and she was talking in acronyms that were only known in that industry. WTF is PAC? COM? GRW? Yet I knew I had the skills and ability to do whatever it was they needed me to do, everything in the job is something I’ve had decades of experience in, but relating my skills to that position was excruciatingly difficult to try and figure out when being just ‘told verbally’ what the role is by someone who had been there more than 8 years and was making assumptions that people ‘outside of that industry’ would know what she was talking about.

I’ve had my own business and I’ve had over 100 people where I’ve trained them for different tasks in that business – and I’ve never just ‘verbally’ expected someone to know what the role is or what is required of them. I’ve always created clear tasks in the position-description, step-by-step cheatsheets, ‘this is how I do it” videos, a main site where they can login and download training, and shown them exactly what to do and got them to share their work with me the first few times to make sure they understand and have always been available if they have any questions, as well as created skype groups where they could also connect with each other if they felt more comfortable talking with other staff who were doing similar tasks. I don’t know if this is an Aspie cognitive delay thing where I need to be overly-clear on tasks, or if ‘some people are just a bit of an egotistical asshole’ kinda thing.

Every job I’ve had, except for the retail positions, I’ve done some kind of ‘written-systemization’, created training manuals, knowledgebases, cheatsheets, or websites, and handouts on how to do things. I need ‘systems and processes’, and if they don’t exist, I need to create it. I thought it was because it might help “other people” one day, but maybe it’s “how I learn”. Maybe the whole reason I was doing it, was so that “I” knew what I was doing. Maybe it was ‘my’ method of teaching myself?

If I’d known this about me, every single job would be different. I didn’t even know this about me. Like I can tell you in hindsight that is something that has been a problem. I could not learn from the person at the last job because she was just verbally yelling over a cubicle – not even turning her head to look at me, just yelling at me from her cubicle to mine about how to do something. I could not ‘get it’ from that. I can’t learn that way. I’ve got to be doing it, but you have to show me how to do it. So she had to hear from me asking questions 50 times more often because I had to keep asking her how to do something. I never knew that I may not be able to learn verbally!

Even if I look at the verbal cue from the retail store when on my first day he asked me to setup an end-cap for Christmas – I didn’t even know what an end-cap was, didn’t know where the shelves were – but even when they showed me the “fixture room” – what size do I get, how many do I need, how far do I space them apart, which contraptions go with which size? His verbal instruction was just ‘setup the end-cap.. put these products up and make it look pretty”. That’s not good instructions to me – but maybe it is for “normal people”? I remember saying it do my friends, and my friends empathized with me, so I never really thought that it could be a specific way that I need to be shown for me to ‘get it’.

Will have obsessions but they are not as unusual as her male counterpart’s (less likely to be a ‘train-spotter’).

I have obsessions and some of them would be considered ‘unusual’ but more because they are not very ‘mainstream’. I get ‘stuck’ in a subject, research it until it’s exhausted and then move on to the next thing that I want to learn.

It can start with a random google search sometimes that leads me down a rabbit hole of which I need to explore and explore and explore until I’m no longer interested. I will keep going until daylight, keep going until I can barely open my eyes. I don’t like to stop while I’m interested in something.

When I was gaming, I created a massive gaming website.
I have had over 100 websites of different interests.
I’ve had obsessions of all types in so many different topics, but the main ones coming to mind right now are Natural Healing, Internet Marketing, WordPress, Alternative Living, Off-grid living, Emphysema, Van Dwelling, Philosophy, Religions, Spirituality, Channelling, IChing, Conspiracy Theories, Vaccinations, Higher Consciousness, After-Life, Non-Physical Beings, Corruption, Ascension, Placebo, Extra-terrestrials, Kundalini Awakening, Law of One, Tarot, Parallel Realities, Minimalism, Money-less society, Guitar, Languages, Positive Thinking, Limited Beliefs, Raw Food, Ebola. COVID-19, and currently Autism/Asperger’s.

Ok, so you get the point, I don’t ‘stick to one obsession’, but there is an obvious theme, and I used to think it was “I need to just know everything that I don’t know”, but now it seems that obvious theme is seeing the world through a different lens. Truth-seeking. Wanting humanity to do better. Wanting freedom from that which is disturbing to me. A lot of the topics that interest me are not things you can chat over coffee with and are more likely found ‘around a campfire’. A lot of the things that interest me, as you can see, are not things I can talk to others about easily, it doesn’t seem that I am into the ‘normal’ kinds of conversations, which is a bummer because I wish others were interested in the things that I’m interested in – I like to go ‘deeper’ and ‘outside’ of where other’s like to go :)

Penny (PennyButler.com)
Penny (PennyButler.com)

Truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and deeper, ever trying to 'figure it out'. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, & random points of interests.