Female Asperger Syndrome Traits [Computers, Games, Writing, Languages, Psychology]

IN Autism Aspergers
Female Asperger Syndrome Traits [Computers, Games,  Writing, Languages, Psychology]

May have a strong interest in computers, games, science, graphic design, inventing, things of a technological and visual nature. More verbal thinkers may gravitate to writing, languages, cultural studies, psychology.

The whole sentence is me. I could talk about every single one of these things on a separate level from now until the end of time.


Games

I got stuck in a computer game called Quake Team Fortress for 3 years of my life not doing anything else. I’m pretty sure the only reason I stopped playing that game is they upgraded to a new version and my shitty old computer couldn’t handle it, but I was also thinking logically that the game wasn’t making me any money and I was just wasting my life away. I was one of 2 people in my local town that was on unlimited internet at the time (back in the dialup days this was unheard of) and the place where I got my internet offered me a job because I guess they saw me as the nerd that I am and their computer consultancy needed a nerd for a couple of hours a day. And I needed money to upgrade my computer.

Poker is my only social-outlet at the moment. It’s the only time that I put myself in the position of being amongst a crowd of people. I find when I go to live poker, I am very anxious and my mind goes into a zone where I’m shutting everything out. I can’t communicate with them, can’t do the small-chat, not really paying attention to the other players, I’m present and I’ll answer them if they directly ask me something, but I find it really distracting if someone’s trying to talk to me or have a conversation while I’m in a hand.

This year obviously with COVID, I’ve been playing online instead of live. When I discussed my reasons for playing poker with a friend that doesn’t understand why I’m ‘gambling’ (he’s religious), I said it was for self-development. That I saw it as a way of improving myself because with the bad beats, you can get upset (Poker players call it ’tilted’). “Tilt” seems to affect me way worse than others. I don’t just shake it off and say “that’s poker!” like they do, I feel absolutely terrible when I get a bad beat (when the cards end up rewarding the player with the worst hand), and this sense of injustice and unfairness takes over my entire being.

I am trying to level-up from those automatic negative emotional responses but even now that it’s been almost 8 months of playing every day, and consciously “trying” to not allow the bad beats to get to me, using all my tools of higher consciousness and awareness that it’s just a game and that the cards will fall where they fall, I’m shocked that I still get those very strong emotional feelings when it happens. Sometimes I can get so upset that I cry. Other times I’m angry. Sometimes I want ‘vengeance” I spend a lot of extra unnecessary money on buying emoji’s so that I can ‘throw shit’ or ‘throw a banana’ or ‘throw a donkey’ on someone that made a bad call and got rewarded. I never thought that I wouldn’t get to a stage where it doesn’t affect me in a negative way because I really was playing everyday – not just for the entertainment and potential earnings, but as a way to try and work through these strong meltdowns that I have when things don’t go my way.

Very bizarre to be realizing that I might actually be ‘wired’ that way? I still obviously think that I should be mature enough to be able to not take it personally. I don’t want Asperger’s to be the ‘excuse’ I use when I can’t handle my emotions, but learning about the “Meltdowns” that we have, it may explain more and gives me something more to look at – maybe an angle I haven’t considered that might help me further work this unwanted response out. If I’m in a good mood, and I’m doing everything right and still get a bad beat, sometimes… it’s rare.. but sometimes, it doesn’t give me a meltdown. But often, mostly daily, I can’t handle it, and it’s something I seriously want to figure out.

Computers

Computers have been in my life ever since the Vic 20 came out and I was coding my own games, and when the internet became available – it was like suddenly I was given “The Answers”. Before the internet, I was into encyclopaedias and the library and reading as much as I could, and then when we had computers I would be into the encyclopaedia cds, and then when the internet came out it was the best thing I could ever ask for. A gift from heaven. I was addicted immediately – unlimited knowledge at my fingertips. Lots of rabbit holes to go down. Lots of knowledge – instant answers to all my infinite burning questions and curiosities. All the solutions I wanted to find. I could never stop. Even now I’m always in front of a computer.

If I’m not on my computer, then I have my phone. There’s always some kind of constant stream of incoming-information coming in. Unless I stop everything deliberately or mindfully WANT to stop my brain, there still has to be incoming data. And even the purpose of stopping is so I can listen to the “internal” data – sort out my thoughts, listen to higher guidance, get wisdom from my soul or our non-physical beings.

I must be an information-gatherer.

I’m not able to recall or repeat what I’ve learnt. It’s not like it’s coming in and I’m able to access it at will. It comes in and I guess my brain is the physical storage, but I can’t easily access the files. It just gives me a resource to sort of refer-to. I can’t verbalize the information to someone else, but it changes my inner-understanding of things. It broadens my perception of things in the world, expands my own mind, but unfortunately I can’t use it as a super-power to help others, because it just allows me to understand things on a more broader level.

It’s something that I’ve been completely obsessed with forever – and now I’m wondering if it’s an Aspie thing?

For me it was trying to understand everything better, understand the world, understand myself, understand others, understand why I’m so different than everybody else. If I’d known that I had Asperger’s back then, who knows what path I would’ve taken. Because I wouldn’t already understood in some way that I was different and maybe not been so obsessed with why they all think so differently and that I don’t get them. Them, being, everyone.

The path has always been to try and understand and upgrade myself.

Science, Mathematics, and a Little Rant about Bureaucracy & Stupid Laws

I’m semi-interested in science, in that I like to scour science-backed proof for things that I research.

I’m not into mathematics and I’m useless at forms – tax forms, any forms. Any official boring bureaucratic document that someone sat in a room and made up as a law for “all to follow”, controlling people’s free will and making things harder for society rather than going by intuition of what’s right or wrong – there’s a law for everything and you’re probably breaking a law right now, there’s no way of knowing all the laws and ignorance of the law is no excuse but what laws are they creating that we don’t even know about? The amount of stupid laws there that don’t make sense:

My hometown used to have a ban on having your own water-tank, and that made no sense to me – you don’t own the water, wtf is with that. You just want to make money off people. Now it’s encouraged because they ran out of water! Wow – who could’ve predicted that?

Not being able to grow your own tobacco or marijuana makes no sense to me – it’s a plant. But when you look up the reason why it’s disgusting. Growing your own tobacco is considered a serious “tax crime”… in other words, if the government can’t profit from it, it’s illegal. The medical benefits of cannabis are phenomenal – a cure-all for a lot of maladies and inflammation-related illnesses, so I’m pretty sure Big Pharma had something to do with it becoming illegal in the first place. There is merit for not wanting people who are high-as-a-kite driving down our roads – as with people intoxicated by any substance (even prescribed medications that turn some loopy), but I have no qualms if people are using cannabis outside of endangering others. From what I can tell it seems to calm most people down and make them sleepy or hungry. Not exactly something that’s going to turn people into raging psychopaths.

Graphic Design

I was into it when I was Internet Marketing was my passion; had Photoshop and every different type of graphic software you can imagine and was always buying books and courses to improve my graphic design. Boring now.

Inventing

I was always inventing anything that I thought could be done to improve society or the workplace I was in – or anything that I was struggling with had an imaginary invention to solve. In my mind I would make up the invention and say “someone should invent… ” but I would never actually go as far as inventing it.

Writing

My dad thought I’d be a journalist when I was older because I always had a pen in my hand writing down something. Later on in life when I looked at the archetypes – I thought “Scribe” described me perfectly. Someone who reports on this life experience.

All through my life you will find me in the stationery section buying writing pads and diaries and pens. Once I got the computer, I stopped writing as much and started typing. A few years back when I was going through what I thought was a spiritual awakening, I filled 100+ writing pads of all the insights I was getting. I spent 2 hours every morning until my hand hurt just writing everything down. And if I still had more to say but couldn’t write anymore, I would get out the camera on my phone and record myself. I would talk my thoughts out on the route to/from work which was a 1 hr each way. Some of them made it to the blog, most of them didn’t.

Even if I’m learning something, I’m always taking notes. I use EditPad on my computer which is like notepad – except it allows you to have multiple tabs open so you can take copious notes on lots of different subjects without closing the program. Right now as I type this, there are 10+ different tabs open for different aspects of Autism and my food blog, wanderer traits, and a couple of untitled ones which would be my current password for the Wi-Fi or a new note in progress to remind myself about something.

I used to have 100+ blogs/websites of all different topics. I became overwhelmed and the upkeep was too expensive, so now I only maintain this one and use Facebook groups to get out my random-other-subject thoughts and interests.

Languages

I learnt French in high school which I hated because I could never see the point in learning a language I don’t intend to use – we don’t get many French tourists and France / Canada were not places on my travel-list.

I was obsessed with Spanish however. Such a beautiful language – I love Spanish music and the culture and could always imagine myself visiting Spain one day. Coincidently I also fell in love with a guy that spoke Spanish and we had an ‘online relationship’ for a couple of years. I owned every single course that you could think of to try and learn Spanish. I have an entire storage box full of cds, dvds, and way too many books for reading and learning it. I didn’t get any good at it. Seems I’m good at ‘collecting’ knowledge but haven’t quite got my head around applying and mastering it. I could never get quite good at languages and I think it’s because of Aphantasia; because I don’t have a visual recall – it’s blank, that and because I don’t have a visual imagination or way to re-live the past (SDAM). I’m quite good at English though so obviously able to learn my own language even with Aphantasia/SDAM so I’m a bit confused as to why I struggle to learn another language – especially because I was so committed to it and had it on all day every day.

The only language courses that I did better at was the Pimsleur method, which seems to be crafted to re-use your short-term memory effectively to place the language in your long-term memory. Most of the courses you buy, they say the word and you have to repeat it, my brain doesn’t work that way. The Pimsleur method was more effective at getting some things to stick because you’d ask a question, you’d repeat the answer, then they move on but in each increment, they will refer back to a previous lesson, and so you would constantly have to recall something you just learnt, and each lesson builds upon that – using the same words, rather than moving onto completely new words without the original words you just learnt. I still struggled so much to try and learn any of the languages fluently. I wanted to travel the world and communicate to people in their own language.

Another language I wanted to learn was Arabic because Egypt was on my “definitely travelling to” list. All through my childhood I was fascinated with Egypt and bought heaps of books and loved every school lesson to do with Egypt. And it was because of this love of Egypt all over my social media profiles, that I ended up attracting a partner from Jordan, and really trying to learn the language so that I could communicate with his family and visit Egypt & Jordan one day. But Arabic was not something that stuck. I could barely get past the first few lessons, it was way too hard. I could’ve got my partner to help me but at the time, his English wasn’t the best and he was teaching in University so it was better to spend time first on getting him to improve his English as he had more immediate needs. I once had a casual job in a warehouse all by myself and so was able to do my job and talk Arabic all day – and still I didn’t become fluent.

I visited Bali and took the road less travelled by staying with a local. The upside – I got to see how the Balinese really live and embrace the culture and traditional foods and events. I really wanted the cultural experience rather than the tourist experience. The downside is that he took me to places where no one spoke English and it was really hard to communicate with people just smiling and using hand-gestures, so I ended up getting an Indonesian tutor and spent every day with him because I desperately wanted to learn it while I was still there (I was there for a month) and when I returned to Australia, I 100% wanted to return to Bali one day so I bought boxes of Indonesian courses.

So I still have boxes of languages, all languages of the world, with the bulk of them being from Spanish, Arabic and Indonesian. And not fluent in any.

Cultural Studies

I’ve always been into learning about other cultures and I’ve always tried to friend anyone who is from “anywhere but here”. Pretty sure all of my boyfriends have been from another country or at least most of them. Maybe that’s another reason why I didn’t know I had Asperger’s because I dare say you’d probably learn more quickly by being in a close relationship but because there was always new cultures and English was their second-language, there was always a barrier to communication that we were working through by default. Interesting to ponder.

This is something of a lifetime passion/interest/obsession. I need to know about different cultures, lifestyles, philosophies, cuisine, and beliefs.

When I was in primary school, I used to be obsessed by Egyptology & Ancient China. I’ve had boyfriends from Spain, India, Jordan, Uruguay, Malta, and all love interests were from guys who were not originally from Australia – Iraq, Scotland, France, Canada, Fiji, USA, and my fave was a guy from South Africa who worked as an air controller in Dubai so always added UAE to my ‘visit list’. I’ve worked closely with Sri-Lankan’s, Muslims from various parts of the world, Lebanese, Canadians, and have a good friend who I adore from Iran. I’ve always found Asians and Islanders more attractive than Aussies.

I’m also a magnet to refugees and immigrants. When I was fruit-picking there were a lot of travellers from other countries: Germany, Sweden, France, England, Ireland, China, Japan, etc. And there was a group of refugees that showed up from Africa of which one of them had better English than the others and I got quite friendly with him; learning about their story was heart-breaking and awe-inspiring (they spent 8 years in a camp waiting for a chance to come here, and they were only in their early 20’s, leaving loved-ones behind and the condition of the camps, and then coming here and being ostracized). My neighbour was a refugee from Iran whose story will astound you (speaking up for the people and had to flee), he would still be in the camp now if it wasn’t for a good-hearted Aussie girl who married him to get him out. If only people knew what they went through to get here, they would be a million times nicer, it’s incredible how their lives played out, and what they had to do escape.

I’m wondering now (because of the Asperger’s), if this cultural-obsession was because I never felt comfortable with anyone from Australia. I wonder if I was trying to find a different culture that might ‘fit-me’ better? lol. Mind boggles. I always thought I just loved learning about different cultures and lifestyles. I didn’t resonate with Australians so I must’ve subconsciously tried to find my tribe or find ‘who I really am”. I have features that aren’t typically Aussie – as a child they used to say I looked Chinese, and when I visited Bali, they guessed I was European, possibly German. I fantasied when I was younger that I was adopted. I guess because I never felt really comfortable ‘with my own people’ that I was trying to resonate with other cultures, thinking sometimes that this was my first incarnation in Australia and that I possibly spent my other lifetimes in Asia.

I always worshipped or idolized or looked-up to anyone who had lived in another country and now lives here because I couldn’t do it, I always thought they were incredible for being able to achieve what even I couldn’t do, especially those that didn’t know English before they came here. For me, really struggling to live in this country with these people that didn’t get me, I looked at them and thought WOW – I can’t do it and I was born here. To live in this country around these nasty people that don’t make any sense, that value materialistic b.s. over people, that live so fake, that don’t speak the truth about anything, that are so shallow. I put them up on a pedestal thinking that their lives must be even harder than mine and thought it was such an achievement, especially when they were from the poorer countries or when they barely knew the language. How do they live in this expensive, racist country, around horrible people that judge you for everything. I idolize anyone that is from another non-English-speaking country.

Psychology and Philosophy

Psychology – Lifelong interest.

Philosophy – obsessed by.

I was 15 when Anthony Robbins and Louise Hay saved my life. Self-help books. Self-healing books. Anything to improve wisdom. You would find me in the Self-Help section of the book store. They really helped me. I would not be alive right now if I hadn’t of invested all my time in that section. Especially with forgiving the past and being more conscious about living. I worked on forgiveness for decades, trying to forgive myself and my parents and people that harmed me in my life. I don’t hold onto grudges now – except if people are continually being mean for no reason, then I still struggle with it. It’s like I can find a way where I can see everyone as this perfect soul who just happens to be having a particular human experience with their own issues. Unfortunately I’m not completely done in that area – I still get that horrible feeling inside when those who have been mean are brought up in a conversation or are in the same room. It’s something I’m still working on because I do believe that if you hold people in a negative space, that “YOU” are the one putting yourself into the negative space, that you can only work on yourself. So yeah I still get a bad feeling when I’m in their presence but it doesn’t take over my life as it once did.

Sometimes in poker I want to “get them back” and “make them pay” but that’s the tilt thing I’m still working on :) Tilt does give me the opportunity to constantly face results I don’t want, so I do try and use it as life’s way of teaching me how to improve myself by having to deal with the consequences of my actions and trying to be a better person. I do get an instant-reaction of wanting to flick immediate pain onto them and throwing emoji’s on them only shows my own inability to handle my emotions, but thankfully done in a fun & safe way. And yet I still do it. It’s an awareness of how I can’t handle my emotions sometimes. I like games and I like games where you can actually make money, and I can’t “play against the computer” because it’s pointless. Whereas in Poker, there’s a social aspect, a money aspect, and a constant psychological-challenge to myself to be able to improve my instant-reactions.

I know that I’ve improved by working on it my whole life. At one stage, I used to have tantrums and remember smashing plates against a wall or screaming when I felt pressured. I remember feeling like they don’t understand me, no one gets me, they should be caring about me, they should be helping me, all those kinds of victim-minded things. So positive-thinking, studying psychology and self-help tools have helped me the most in turning that victim-mind around, always trying to get in my own head and ‘cure’ MY side of things, so that other people couldn’t affect me so much. I realized there was nothing I could do about other people and their reaction to me, but I could change perceptions in myself and broaden my own mind and work on myself to be able to handle my own responses to things that felt unjust/unfair/unbearable.

Reading this over and over again, in many different ways, from many different authors, and knowing it to be true, that “if you can’t change the situation, and can’t leave the situation, you have to change the way you think about/view the situation”, just be able to get through life. Life was too hard for me, and I’m looking at it now with this new Autism/Asperger’s awareness and wondering if this is the missing piece of the puzzle of why I spent a lifetime trying to ‘solve’ myself.

I always had this victim-bleed through although I didn’t know that as a term, but I always had a poor-little-me mode. The asthma, being ugly and not having many friends, I always had to fake who I am to try and fit-in but never fitting-in because my fake-me wasn’t real-me, and I didn’t get them at all. Society’s mould didn’t make any sense to me, and everyone was being illogical and surface-level, and no one was on the same page and when they were trying to be my friend, they were doing chitty-chatty meaningless stuff, and the only ones that I would really bond with, were the ones that were able to have those deeper-level philosophical conversations. Even at age 12, 13, 14, they still had to be able to have a higher-level of intelligent conversations with me because I was definitely not the girl choosing the right lipstick shade. I was exploring LIFE and what seems to be the right or wrong way of living and things like that.

As far as philosophy goes, I got into studying all religions and philosophies, and love to this day learning about philosophies from channelled material, but the philosophy that helped me most was the Tao. It brought me back from the brink of insanity. It was the only thing that brought me back to some kind of level where I could feel semi-normal and stable. Before that, I was trusting my crazy. I wanted to shout it out to the world, to the tempting microphone that was in front of me all day at work, to people around me, and to YouTube. I really felt strongly that I was right. The only thing that stopped me was that it felt like there was 10,000 angels or non-physical higher beings all creating a barrier around me, holding me back from speaking it out loud. It was probably my ego not wanting to humiliate myself because I knew that if I spoke it out loud everyone would think I was crazy, but at the same time, I also “knew it to be true”, so it was a huge inner-battle to hold myself back from ‘speaking the truth’ at that time. I couldn’t differentiate between the reality I was living and my thoughts. I could understand the logic that for me to be ‘right’, the entire world would have to be mad and that it was more logical for it to be the other way around, but it most definitely felt like ‘the entire world was mad’ and that I was the one that was right. I started doing the IChing, which was always coming up with answers from the Tao, and it made me face the realization that I could be wrong. It kept reminding me that humiliation would be the result if I spoke it out loud, that most of the things I was experiencing was because of choices I made, and warning me of nefarious people. It’s main message was always pointing the finger at yourself instead of others, so it was a constant reminder to take responsibility for my own problems. No human or psychiatrist or psychologist would’ve been able to convince me that I was wrong – only the Tao was able to bring me back from crazy-land. it was the only thing that was able to make me question “What if “I’m” wrong”. I didn’t feel like I was wrong. I was stuck in a reality where there’s no way my ego could handle the reality that I might be wrong but somehow, being alone with the infinite questions to the Tao, I was able to breakdown my ego. The IChing made me question my beliefs more deeply than anything else could. Unfortunately as a result of getting into the IChing, it also got rid of all my passions and lifelong goals and dreams. So with the good “getting stable” came the bad “being nothing”. No more changing the world. It’s not the Tao that did it – it was me “messing with the Tao” that did it – I kicked my own ass around until there was no longer any triggers – good or bad. No ego left. And now I don’t care about anything at all – which is not ideal.

Penny (PennyButler.com)
Penny (PennyButler.com)

Who are we? What are we doing here? What is the meaning of life? Penny is a truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and deeper down the rabbit hole. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, whilst providing a searchable archive to easily lookup and reference.