One of the things that scared me most when I thought I wasn’t going to make it was that I would die without my family or anyone really knowing who I am. That burning thought re-awakened something inside of me that had been suppressed publicly most of my life. I didn’t want to die this ‘fake’ version of me, the illusion that I showed to others, I wanted those that I love, to know who I am, and to learn who they really are… but those questions about who we really are, weren’t part of the conversation growing up… so I didn’t really know who I was and still don’t really know who they are, or who you are.
After a year of healing and learning, part of that journey was letting out a little of that screaming voice that I kept hidden & suppressed. The voice of “WHY”.. I’ve done a complete flip on my life and nothing is the same as it was 12 months ago. I’ve also started to publicly “live my truth” and found a new sense of freedom knowing that there are at least some places out there where I can let out a bit of the stuff going on inside of me.. a few little places where I am ‘free to be me’. It really is healing, but kinda scary at the same time – you are up against a lifetime of brainwashing about what is ‘accepted’ in society. I had to face, open and re-examine a lot of my core belief systems, and I’m still doing that – I still don’t quite understand it.
I think one of the most challenging things when stepping out into being in that ‘free to be yourself’ mindset, is in the interaction with others.
We are all so different, so unique in our thinking – from a lifetime of various, ever-adjusting beliefs that filter the world for our unique realities that we are partaking in – that just to get by day-to-day in this world, you kinda have to make little compromises when conversing with others, you have to meet them where they are at… by that I mean, we still do ‘suppress’ the conflicting thoughts that popup in your mind when you can see you have opposing beliefs. There are times when you just need to know you are on a different plane of thinking, experiencing a different reality and that each of us are on our own journey, experiencing a different adventure, and you have no way of really knowing if your beliefs are the correct ones. Living your truth means finding your truth, and we don’t know the truth, that’s what makes this life such a mystery.
Some can take comfort choosing to ‘take on a truth’ that has been pre-written, either that “there is no truth” and we live and die and that’s that, or by taking on a religion or any other spiritual belief that helps them get through this world.. and that’s fine for them… I’m happy for them that they are able to do that without any inner-conflicts.. but something within ‘me’, has this ever-truth-seeking, ever-questioning voice that I just can’t seem to ‘turn off’, that when I suppress for “sanity’s sake” – gets louder and louder. It’s not that I’m suspicious/skeptical about everything, but it certainly seems like that at times. It’s not that I need “proof” of everything either. I just don’t resonate 100% with anything that I’ve learnt so far on my journey. I can accept that ‘my beliefs’ could be delusional and that others are possibly delusional too – but how do you know if you are delusional? lol if others are telling you one thing but your ‘inner truth’ is telling you “something is not right” – but your internal alarm doesn’t help you out further by giving you what ‘is’ right, you have this contradictory gut feeling and that’s about it – there’s no enlightenment that comes next to help you understand that ‘uncomfortable’ feeling. Who knows what is in that mind, filtering out certain truths from me (from all of us), because of beliefs that I have taken on, even as a baby, before I could consciously think and make seperate decisions to what I was taught.
All through school and life I’ve had to sit on my beliefs, let them be suppressed, in order to be ‘accepted’ in society. The brainwashing and imprinting began before I was conscious. I was told what was right and wrong, and before I knew any different – that parents and ‘adults’ could be ‘wrong’, could be ‘delusional’, could be ‘full of shit’, or could be caught up in their own belief systems that were taught to them by other generations of influence… that their reality and the generations before them could all be faulty… before I was ever conscious of this ‘seed of doubt’ – they already had years to transfer and imprint their unique & individual fears and beliefs onto me.
You soon learn when you are young, that to get what you want, what makes you feel good, you have to kinda ‘go along’ with mainstream thinking – you make other people happy by doing as you are told, and then you are rewarded with getting what you want at the time – which is their love and acceptance. Certain thoughts and questions are just not talked about – people find it ‘uncomfortable’ to think about or discuss… noone wants to be ‘wrong’ so they would rather avoid the conversation.
But I’ve always had that seed of doubt, for as long as I can remember, I’ve been questioning the world around me, trying to figure things out. The internet was the greatest blessing for me, instant “secret” access to generations of knowledge at my finger-tips. Finding answers to questions I couldn’t ask in life, within seconds. But at the same time, there is information-overload, too much to consume – and billions of confused people living different realities are projecting their own ‘beliefs’ and ‘unique truths’ up online with their own imprints and filter systems from generations before them – a lot of it conflicts with the lifetime of our own unique filter system. It’s both easier and harder than ever – we have all this knowledge and information to scour through yet to discover the truth, you still have that lifetime of brainwashing to try and unravel, that is still filtering your reality. It’s mind-blowing trying to make sense and make connections between the information that is available.
Just having a conversation with someone at work, online, or with a friend or family member, it’s just an exchange and mingling of beliefs, not a “your way or the highway” because us ‘mere humans’ do not know everything – you can live your truth as it is today, and still have an awareness that you’re not an expert about everything. The more I read about life being ‘a conscious observing’, the more it makes sense to me. But that could also be delusional based on years of truth-seeking and finding ‘comfort’ in that thought somehow. That we are creating our own realities, that we are 100% responsible for how ‘we’ feel about what is presented before us, that we have the ability to change that – but why? The blessing and curse of being ‘conscious’, of even having the ability to question our existence – that’s what separates us from other lifeforms. There is always something more to learn, and sometimes – or commonly for me – it’s when you have this ‘conflicting of beliefs’ that you learn the most about yourself and about others. But to what end? Why do humans need to question the ‘why’.
Why do humans always think there is something ‘more’. In the grand scheme of things, we are merely dust particles.. why we should think there is anything ‘special’ about us, when we are so tiny in comparison to the magnitude of the universe. Earth is just a speck, and we’re just tiny little dots on this planet. But then again, why do humans.. have the ability to ‘ask why’?
My conflicting inner belief about us being nothing but ants.. or sometimes ‘parasites’, is the fact that we ‘are conscious’ enough to question our own realities, and that for the most part, as individuals we don’t tend to seek to destroy. As a human collective, we are parasitic in nature – destroying the world – even the things that would ensure our own survival, but for the most part as individual humans, we seem to be compassionate, seek love, have kindness in us.
Is it a human flaw to have the ability to question our realities? Or is it that we are conscious … “because” there ‘is’ something more to us than just living and dying. Its this consciousness that separates us from other lifeforms. Why do people believe in spirituality, religion, ghosts, heaven, hell and aliens or whatever else they believe in? Why do some people think they can see and communicate with faeries and angels? Are they all delusional? Every one of them making it up, confused, crazy? I’d like to know that.. I don’t want to ‘guess’ that. My b.s. metre goes off about faeries & angels but at the same time, I can’t trust the beliefs that were ‘transferred’ to me when I was ‘unconscious’, even my own personal b.s. metre that measures everything that comes into my life, can’t be trusted. I have to question it when I’m ‘conscious’ and ‘observing’. And I have to realize how primitive we still may be.. that we used to think of some things as ‘magic’ until the ‘mystery’ of it was revealed, so maybe there are other things that we will see for what they really are – that the mystery will be revealed when our primitive minds are ready for it, the why’s will be answered. Why do we have this ‘imagination’ unless there is something to it?
I try and find the connection, why so many people have different beliefs. Why people think it’s ok to murder, rape, bash, rip-off, do anything ‘unethical’, or be cruel/mean/violent/hostile to others, or for people to be homeless right outside our doors, why it’s ok to watch suffering, why some people have lost their compassion for other people or living things. Is it because they have already ‘switched off’ – disconnected themselves from being human?
Why we no longer want to be ‘self-sufficient’… Why some can sit and watch tv or play games or drink or medicate or feed themselves into a stupor. Maybe they are suppressing the rest of the questioning. Dumbing themselves down – ‘switching’ off the part of them that has these burning questions – that something might be missing, that there might actually be more, and if they can turn that part of their brain off – they don’t have to think about it, it’s “easier”.
Why people think it’s ok to just want to have a meaningless life – a job, a house, a kid or two, and watch generations want the same so-called-dream, why, why, why.. why do people strive for ‘meaningless’ existences?
It boggles my mind.. I don’t belong here, this is not the reality I want for myself, I don’t “fit” into what others want for me – because that way of life is completely nuts to me.
I know that I need to develop further before I ‘get’ it, but what makes sense to me right now is that we ‘do’ actually somehow create our own realities, that we are all experiencing this world together – are able to tap into and interact with each other – but somehow we are creating what we see & experience from our own minds. That this whole thing is an illusion, an experiment, an experience, one that we may have the power to control.
I drop this belief and take on other beliefs when they make sense to me at certain times. Ever changing my mind and trying to uncomplicate & unravel it. But this keeps coming up. That we all are somehow one, but having different or creating different experiences. And I can then accept and see religion and spirituality and the other things that people bring up as their reality as making more sense too… I can see the connection between all the good and the bad with this thought-process. That they are able to share what they experience, transfer a part of their consciousness to us, and we can do the same.
I don’t see this as hard-core universal truth. I’m ever questioning and trying to make sense of it, but right now, this area feels like there is something to it. That we are all from the one source, that we have consciously stepped into this reality and I am not yet sure why… maybe to just experience being human, or maybe something more or something less than that. By something more, I mean something ‘beyond our current understanding’ – that ‘yet to be revealed when we are ready’ thing. That there is more to it than what we have chosen to consciously bring with us, for the sake of being able to have this experience. And by something less, I mean maybe we are still so ‘small’ minded, so small on the scale of what is really out there, that we are only here to clear up something karmic or just for fun, just for the experience, something not that grand. That the ‘more’ thing has already been figured out and that we’re just supposed to ‘live it up while we can’.
I don’t want to be delusional. I want to be ‘right’. lol. So I have to keep questioning my beliefs. If I want to be ‘right’, I have to stay ‘aware’ that I’m probably ‘wrong’ or ‘never quite there’, and be ever-curious and ever-learning and try to stay in an open-minded reality. My b.s. metre goes off a lot, which means there is a lot of information out there that rings like a ‘lie’ to me, that rings like a delusion or misguided belief system, but I try and at least keep searching for a place where it can make sense. To see the connection. Hoping one day that all the beliefs are aligned, that I can see the universal truth, and stop being so confused :)
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