Found a Voice Recording from 2 Years ago when I thought I was going to die

Sold my voice recorder today and this is what I found on it before I erased it.. me talking to myself intending to make a podcast 2 years ago. What do people who are dying think about? I don’t know about others, but this is what I was thinking about… seeing every day as being a gift, not wanting to waste my life, ashamed, how to “get myself out of this”, not wanting my life to be meaningless, and especially wanting to BE the real me.

I recorded this when I was still very sick, and before I had healed myself and got a better mindset. Before I even thought about travelling in a van. Before I got a job and re-entered “society” lol. While I was still deep in depression and victim-mode. Bizarre listening to it. A little embarrassing actually. I feel a little anxious publishing it here for others to read.

Before erasing it to sell, I took some notes for my own archives, to see how far I’ve come (no way of transferring to the computer – it’s one of those recorder’s that only records to the device, which is the reason I was selling it, but probably a good thing cos I might of been tempted to upload it and I sounded awful & really sooky).

Hope sharing my notes helps someone out there. If they are like who I used to be – there is hope for them too. What a different person I am now, from who I was 2 years ago, and yeah – I’m still on the journey but exactly the way that I had planned it even back then, which makes me wonder what else I can “plan” and make happen. Back then it was: get health back, get mindset back..(check!).. then get business back online (which is what I have been working on the past few weeks). It helps me see where I got things right, what else I have to work on, and what else I should add to my “plan” :)

 

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When I die…?

The disease is pretty serious. Not that I want to think that way, I’m focused more on doing what I can to learn how to reverse it, but… it has scared me. And other people’s doom’n’gloom about it also scares the shit out of me.

I still have hope, but it has made me think in terms of… & I don’t want this to sound morbid… but I want to leave my legacy.
I want to be able to achieve my bucketlist. I’ve spent 10 years spending my time either working or sitting in 4 walls, so I can travel around the world and help people, and now I’m 37 and I haven’t achieved anything or been anywhere.
And my friends are not in my life anymore. I was too busy.
And my family is not proud of me cos I’m wasting my life.
And I was doing it for “them”. Trying to get rich to make their lives better. To make all our lives better. To make them happy. To make everyone’s lives better.

  • I now see every day as being a gift.
  • You don’t want to waste your life.
  • You don’t want your life to be nothing.
  • You don’t want to die feeling like you’ve left nothing.
  • I want to know I actually made a difference being alive.
  • I don’t want my life to be meaningless.

I thought about my funeral, who would turn up, and what are they going to say?
I spent so much of my life in front of the computer… what would they say?

She was a hermit, making money online, she didnt leave the house, she didn’t have time to see us. Always “too busy”.

I don’t want that on my tombstone.

  • I want them to know the real me.
  • I want to BE the real me.
  • I want to be who I was meant to be, instead of what I have been doing as a means to ‘become’ who I am meant to be.
  • I want to be me, now.

So that’s what I’m doing.
That’s why I’m rambling.
Get out all these different thoughts in my head. Find out who I am. 

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Time to head home to the madhouse. But I’m very grateful to be there right now, because if I wasn’t, I’d be in my car because I don’t have any money. I have access to the internet, I have a computer. I’m ahead of millions of people who don’t have that.

I really can’t wait to start making my life work for me.
Fixing my mindset, fixing my health, and then getting my business back online. 

Which means getting those training courses online. Helping other people who can’t afford these big expensive courses, like I can’t, people like me, who have to try and figure things out for themselves. I’ll have these little courses, affordable courses, to learn how to do these things that people charge a fortune for. Like setup your own podcast, like I’m doing right now as I record this… at least I can help people with all the technical stuff. I can teach them how to clean up the audio so it doesn’t sound too bad. I can teach them how to get published to iTunes, and get the artwork ready and get the voiceovers ready and mix it all themselves. The things I learnt being a hermit won’t be wasted.

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I’ve got noone to talk to and this is a way of expressing myself and connecting with – just getting out what I’m really thinking, so I can try and sort through my thoughts and work out what I’m doing and work out where I’m going. What next.

Maybe create my own little podcast and invite people along my journey and if they’re not interested, that’s ok.. cos I don’t get to know about it (they don’t have to subscribe to podcasts that they don’t want to listen to). I don’t get my feelings hurt. I can put it out there and pretend that people actually give a shit. If people are into it, they are into it, if they’re not into it, they’re not into it. It’s more for me anyway, to help motivate myself out of this, to be accountable to myself to take back my life. 

It is good to be able to sit here and let out what’s in my head actually.
Because when you let out what’s in your head, you don’t have to think about it all the time. Because it’s “out”.

I try and sit down and write what I’m thinking, which I’ve done, but it’s different when you’re talking to other people about it, it’s different putting a voice behind it.

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Use your own “will to live” to cure yourself.
Diet, Sunlight, Oxygen, Lifestyle. Remove stress.
Start with what you can handle… maybe once a week.. juice or smoothie.
Once you’ve made a step towards health, momentum will build, you’ll realize it tasted awesome, and you can feel the benefits, so you’re gonna do it again; maybe you’ll make it twice a week, maybe everyday.
Once you’ve started adding things to your life, the toxic choices you used to have in their place are automatically removed. Automatically the bad stuff will just disappear, you won’t feel like them. So much easier to “add” in the good, than forcefully “remove” the bad.

Breakfast – fruit, juice, smoothie or fruit salad, or piece of fruit, or cold weather – oatmeal, muesli
Lunch – salad, or veg burger
Dinner – veggies and a salad
Eat the way nature intended.

Go organic for the flavour.
There’s no taste in the fruit & veg we buy in the supermarket, no wonder we dont eat it as much in our modern diet- it tastes like crap, you can no longer smell the freshness, you smell the stuff they spray it with or nothing at all, it’s bland or “yuck”.
Organic is rich in flavour, rich in smell, and has the added benefit of not being poisoned.
And today they don’t rotate the crops, modern way of growing food depends on the price of land. Land is so expensive, you have one bit of land, and once that soil is depleted, they have to keep adding things to the soil. Same with the meat that we eat. I still eat meat, once a week max, but think asian style slices, not a big steak.

I buy ready-made veggie burgers from the butcher cos I get too lazy to make them from scratch.
Was sick & depressed & broke while trying to run my business. Owe ppl who helped me out. Owe ppl who I’m living with now. I need money to be able to save, to live, to keep my hosting, to travel. Fuck, we are slaves. 

Penny (PennyButler.com)
Penny (PennyButler.com)

Who are we? What are we doing here? What is the meaning of life? Penny is a truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and deeper down the rabbit hole. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, whilst providing a searchable archive to easily lookup and reference.

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