Signs from Beyond

IN Morning Pages / Journal

I want to start keeping a record of the times when I’ve “felt dad” since he transitioned on January 31st, 2019, so that I can remember those moments if I have any doubts that we continue after our human life has ended.

Goosebump Moments

When I felt love envelope me and every cell in my body awaken at once – very difficult to describe because it’s not your standard ‘goosebump’ experience (like when you’re cold or get a chill.. not like that.. ) … but it’s the closest word to describe the sensation – it’s a “sign” – a knowing… something beyond our comprehension is aligned in that moment. Everytime I’ve had one of these particular goosebump moments, they have been when talking about someone in the non-physical.

Sun 3rd Feb 2019 –

  • My sister & I were at dads house. We were sitting with the rest of the family and the chaplain was there trying to sum-up dad’s life in a few paragraphs (which is impossible to do, especially as we each have a different version of dad’s life because we each had a different aspect of him). So the chaplain started asking the “easy” questions to get us started; family names & relationships, etc. And we went through Carol, my sister & I, my nephews, and then they started saying “step” children and “step” grandchildren and that didn’t feel right. They were the granddad they knew & it reminded me of our Pa’s funeral where dad and us were mentioned as “step-family” – when he was the only Pa we knew and we suddenly felt like we were the “outsiders”. Those words were painful and disconnecting to me. So when I heard that, I spoke up and mentioned Pa’s funeral, and told them to leave out “step”, and that we’re all family and at that moment, I was filled with goosebumps.
  • The next goosebump-moment was when I got a text from celebrant about the joint masons ritual. So we got into a discussion about who will do the Freemasons ritual they do, and they mentioned a name I’d never heard of, when I already knew from a Facebook message, that Nate was doing it. When I mentioned Nate, noone knew who he was and the chaplain was adamant that there was another name doing the ritual. I was confused and asked him to double-check because I was pretty sure. Later when he confirmed via text message, that both David & Nate were doing the ritual jointly, as I read it out to them at the table, I got the goosebump-moment again. I really took it to be “dad was pleased”.
  • The next time I had it, was later that evening. My sister & I took the kids to KFC for dinner and I called Linda to discuss the breaking-of-the-wand ceremony as I’d heard from Kym that Linda was making a wand because she couldn’t find the wand that dad had made for the ceremony earlier that day. When I said to her, that Graham, the one performing the ceremony will probably bring a wand but if we’re meant to find the one that dad created, I’m sure it will show up before the funeral, and if not – we’ll just go back to the graveyard on the day we find it. I got goosebumps in that moment. More conformation that it was ok to cease looking for the wand and just let whatever happens, happen.

Thurs 7th Feb 2019 –

  • It happened again when chatting on Facebook messenger about dad and the healing & signs I’ve had since his transition with a co-worker who lost her mum last year. As I said “you know when you know” when we were discussing that it’s our human conditioning to ignore the signs because of mainstream/religion and fears or “logic” to dismiss them… at the same time, we both got goosebumps. #confirmation from both dad and her mum I think.

Tues 12th Feb 2019 –

  • I visited Julia, which is the last time I had goosebumps (a bit over a year ago, I had no idea her son had transitioned and was just compelled to go to her place whilst listening to a channelling Erik podcast). Anyways, in all my years, I’d never felt goosebumps like that day, and not since (except for dad above), so I really wanted to share the experience with her because it also re-affirms confirmation for own son and our experiences back then. Anyway, I got it again a couple of times when I visited her this time, although I didn’t write down what we were talking about so I can’t remember the exact moments I got it (that’s why it’s important to record these things Penny! don’t forget!). When I moved back to Ballarat, I stayed with Julia for 6 weeks whilst searching for my own place, and I didn’t have the goosebump moments when I stayed there. Only massively that first day when I was led there, a couple of times when I visited, and then this time when I was telling her about the signs I got from dad.

Random video talking about Goosebumps & Time Synchronicity

Mon 4th Feb 2019 –

  • After having those ‘goosebump moments’, I was playing a YouTube video, and in the first minute of the video, it mentioned “goosebumps”. Although they explained it different than the way I interpreted it, what synchronicity is that – to pick a video that actually explains goosebumps after the day I had of goosebump moments? And in the next minute, they brought up numbers like 222, 333, etc

Listen to audio:

or watch the first 2 minutes of video on youtube
(Note: I’d never listened to these recordings before and had no idea it would contain goosebumps)

  • Prue left to do view the open casket and say goodbye and send him love. I was sitting outside asking him to be there with her and “do the goosebump” thing to her if she’s ready. Then I went to the bedroom and the clock at that moment, changes to 10:00 and the next time I was compelled to look at the clock when she was still out, was 11:11.

Audio playing by itself

Mon 4th Feb 2019 –

  • Before the funeral, I needed to lie down and just be with myself for a while. My phone was sitting next to the computer, with the cover on. It started playing “You are loved more than you can imagine by more than you could believe.” which was an outro to an audio recording of I’d been listening to on my phone. This was so healing for me, and amazing. It hasn’t happened since and may not again. This was such an important confirmation to me on a day that I really, truly needed to know that he still exists and that life continues after we die, and of course, that he did love me.

(I use an app on my phone called @Voice Aloud Reader which allows me to listen to books or articles or PDF’s etc rather than having to read them, so I can read several books a week just driving to work or sitting on the balcony etc.)

This is what it played for me when I wasn’t near the phone: (just played a similar audio to remind me because I have no idea which file it was, only that it was “you are loved more than you know” or “you are loved more than you can imagine and more than you know” or something like that. This is exactly how my phone was – with it’s cover on, except it was on my bedside table next to my laptop at the time.

The audio file below isn’t part of that same synchronicity… but as I was trying to find the “you are loved” outtro that I had heard that day so that I could record it and remind myself of the miracle that happened that day, I ended up recording the above file from this file, and I think it kind of adds to the synchronicity that I find these words in the same file:

  • I decided to listen to the “Death and Transition” video on my laptop while I rested. When it was almost time to go to the funeral, Prue came in, so I got up and paused the video, and a minute later, it started playing again by itself. I don’t know what words it played because Prue was in the room when it happened so I just automatically reached over and paused it again, but “wow”. Maybe he wanted Prue to witness it too?

This is the Death & Transition video I was listening to before the funeral:

  • Those 2 recordings were important to have prior to the funeral, because later at the funeral, when they were lowering him into the ground, we had picked a song “All around my hat” to play because apparently dad loved the band but we had prior discussions that this is probably not appropriate for the funeral because although dad loved that band, it’s not exactly a fave with anyone else, and even though Kym tested it beforehand, when he was being lowered.. she tried to play it, but the music wouldn’t play (it kept turning itself off) and I was sure dad was saying “yeah, I did love listening to their music, but not at my funeral”. (If those 2 audio miracles hadn’t happened to me earlier in the day, I would’ve thought it was a tragedy that the music stuffed-up right when they were lowering him, but instead I just knew it was dad messing with it).

Dreams

Thurs 7th Feb 2019 –

Last night I had a dream about dad. He called me up and he was “back”, and sounded exactly like him & healthy and really happy.

I was at his bed when he took his last breath, and my sister went to the open-casket, so I was confused and thought that someone was pretending to be him. I asked how, and then I woke up.

Upon waking, I realized it was a dream and thought that I was being messed-with or that my mind was playing tricks. After I journalled it though, I thought perhaps he was reaching out and because I didn’t believe, I woke myself up and felt bummed out that I didn’t “go with it” and continue the conversation. I hope I get another opportunity. 

Mon 11th Feb 2019 –

Just had a really strange dream that I thought was real. I really don’t remember dreams normally so to get 2 dreams about dad in the week after his transition – that I actually “remember” is incredibly out of character.

I can’t remember the lead-up, but Zane was dying. He died at the park from a disease and we were devastated, absolutely devastated. I was heartbroken for Zane and heartbroken for my sister who would be destroyed if this happened. Next scene, he’s alive. Prue and Mum and Jay came home and with this still heavily on my heart, I asked where Zane was, Jay said 3 blocks that way at the park.

I moved the curtain to go out the door, and there was a big scary dog looking at me. So I shook the curtain and made movements to try and get him away from the door because I needed to get out to find Zane, and all the kittens came rushing inside to get away from the dog (who had never come in before) and they were jumping over furniture, and then Zane appeared from behind the curtain. I hugged him, knowing he was going to die soon, and he knew too but he was ok with it or didn’t seem phased about it. I told him I was just about to go and look for him and the dog was blocking the way – and then I looked out to show him – and I counted.. and there were 10 dogs on the left side and 6 dogs on the right. This time, instead of facing inwards towards door (blocking the door), they were facing outside, and lined-up sitting peacefully next to each side of the door.

Zane wanted to go to the park, so me, Jay and Zane left knowing the dogs were friendly and suddenly we’re at the school. Not the school I’m familiar with, but it was their school in the dream but it still felt like we weren’t supposed to be there somehow (like that it was their old school or somewhere they don’t go anymore). Then we were in the school and I couldn’t find them.. they’d rushed ahead in their excitement, and snuck in somewhere. I’m briskly walking past classrooms and then past an admin-window where the staff were located.

The lady behind the glass window, said “Penny” (she could see my name badge), “we need to make an appointment to see you with Tristan next week” and started to write my name in a calendar for an appointment. “No, you have the wrong Penny, I’m here for Zane, I’m looking for Zane and Jay”.

Next minute, I lookup, and can hear and see Dad – a younger version – 30’s maybe?, he looked exactly the same but he had his black hair back, his beard was dark and groomed, he was wearing a machine-knitted woollen maroon top) “It’s ok, he’s over here, I’m taking care of him”. He comes over to me, smiling. It’s ok, he’s here. I’m so worried about Zane, but now I’m so happy to see dad. He’s friendly, he came over with a big smile and hugged me (and that hug was so strong, loving, and felt so real – I never get hugs like that in dreams), and then turned to my right and welcomed Mamoun? Wow that was weird – where did Mamoun come from? And Mamoun was happy to see him, and they did a kinda half-handshake half-strong-hug thing that men do, and I was so confused and realized at that point, that it must be a dream but it was so real and I was still so “in it”.

I could see Zane and Jay playing in the recreation room. Dad was on the sidelines watching them. God he looked good. I felt so much love.

I cried (in real life, and the tears welling up in my eyes woke me up) because this is what I always wanted. Dad to be happy to see me, to hug me like I was wanted and welcomed.

It’s 4:22am and I got up to write this down because I thought something was wrong with Zane, but I think it was because it was a real dream about dad.

Whether it was my imagination, my wish, my dream, made-up, or whether it was a parallel reality possibility – a scene of completions playing-out, what he wanted or what I wanted. I don’t know. I hope we had a life where this was real. Where dad was a closer part of our lives, was there for the grandkids, was welcoming of our partners, was loving towards us.

Gosh he looked happy and it felt so good to hug him. I’m really sad that we didn’t get that life. I’m really sad that I lived my life in fear and closed him off because it was agonizing wishing for reunification.

I was bawling when I woke up and as I wrote down the dream. Terrified that something had happened to Zane, grieving for the loss of dad, grieving also for the life we could’ve had, and, also … because it was so real.

So I don’t know how the “afterlife” works. I don’t know what happens exactly when we transition. It feels like, that this ‘veil’ that people talk about… it could be just a bridge between “that version of consciousness” and “this earth/human experience consciousness”.. that we exist in both places simultaneously but we’re “cut off” from that version of consciousness whilst we’re “awake” here – experiencing “this” day-in-the-park, this aspect of reality. At least that’s how it felt. I want to find out more. This has opened up my curiosity to discover even more about the nature of reality and to find out how much access we do have as humans.

I truly feel like dad “sent” me that dream to show that he’s very much part of our lives, that he’s with us always, that there is more to this reality that we don’t understand when we’re “here”, that he loves us, that he’s watching over us and the grandkids, that he’s healthy and happy and that all is well.

Not the part about Zane dying or anything, obviously my mind was doing the ‘dream-thing’ where all the things that are swimming around in your consciousness gets all mixed-up in this other reality to play-with and sort stuff out:-

  • Like dad’s death would’ve brought the death-scare & fear into the dream, Zane having a sore shoulder and constantly trying to get out of school with various instantaneous illnesses coming-on
  • I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to do to save these 7 stray cats & kittens that I’ve been feeding
  • I’ve been curious if dad was reunited with our transitioned dogs
  • The death of a loved-one does make you re-evaluate your life and want those you love to know that you love them because we don’t show it often enough
  • Mamoun? I think because I was just talking about him on the day we were talking about dad, in regards to when he was talking to Mamoun and seemingly wanting to recruit him into the Freemasons, even though he didn’t seem to like him much (the dream showed that on the other-side, they get along great).

Penny (PennyButler.com)
Penny (PennyButler.com)

Who are we? What are we doing here? What is the meaning of life? Penny is a truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and deeper down the rabbit hole. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, whilst providing a searchable archive to easily lookup and reference.

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