Microphone didn’t work well so I kinda semi-transcribed the video below.
Ok so what do I want to talk about? Nothing.
I actually haven’t had a desire or need to express myself lately, at all. I’ve been really content, and the only times I ever felt like talking is when I’ve been going through those stuck moments, something’s not right, and then I want to express myself, I get out the camera, get it out, and then it goes away.
So I haven’t had a need, I have changed since expressing myself over the past year and I’m sure that they’ll come back, that I’m not a done thing, that there is more in there to express, but right now, I feel like I have a knowing, and it’s not a knowing of the answers to everything or anything like that, it’s a knowing that I’m a student for life, knowing that there’s always more to learn, that you’re never “there”, and a contentment with where I’m at now as far as my spiritual beliefs.
That has really helped because when I was going through my spiritual emergency crossed with psychotic episode at the same time as dealing with drama and trauma, and I’m still dealing with that, that has not gone away. I actually have dreams about those 3 months last year, and every dream is a new alternative ending, alternative perspective, another way of looking down at the situation.
5 days a week, I get 5 completely different ways of looking at it, and that’s very new to me. Normally, you go one way or the other.
It’s all my perspective, this ‘expression of creation’s perspective’ – from this expression’s experiences’.
And so I get 5 different ways of looking at the situation and no finality. Prior to that, I used to always come to some kind of conclusion – understanding // belief, and make it my truth… not ever accepting or even thinking of the possibility of looking at it as, being able to look at everything in multiple different perspectives, to be able to see many different truths and all of them being valid.
And some of them not being helpful, not being ‘popular with the mainstream’, but still valid in it’s own minute way of looking at it.
I’ve been really enjoying this time-out in nature, which is where I’m on my way to now.
The universe seems to be on my side now. I think things don’t “let up” and will still trigger you while you still haven’t “got the point”. And maybe the point I was supposed to get out of all of that, is that there are multiple ways of looking at this, and also, accepting that it was a spiritual emergency as well, like – accepting the things that I had experienced as being real instead of just “crazy”.
And that was my logical mind… my left-brain having a fight with my right-brain. Not allowing me to appreciate some of the experiences. And some of the experiences were completely because my “mind was cross-eyed”, but others were valid.
What else do I want to talk about? What’s on my mind?
Every Monday I’m going to start collaborating with other people who want to “be the change” in this world, “service to others”… back on my path.
I think when you have no sense of your own purpose, or if you go off-track, when you know that you want to do things and you’re not sure how you’re meant to make your little stab-in-the-world, but you know you’re meant ‘for more’ than where you’re at.
Like, this is “not” where I’m meant to be. I’m meant to be out there, being the change and living my purpose and doing what feels right in my soul. Then you’ve got your devil’s advocate on one shoulder saying: “No, the reason like you feel like you want to change the world is because you have issues!” or the other devil’s advocate next to them saying: “Well, who do you think you are?” keeping you low, keeping you down. “You’re going to change the world are ya? Who are you to think you can change the world? Who are you to think that you can make a difference in the world?”
When you are.. in that.. when you are stepping on the path.. “hang on a second, I might actually be able to come up with some way where my unique experiences on this path, could actually make a difference in the lives of others. I do have something, whether it’s because of “past issues” or not… “not doing it”, is an absolute… waste of a life.
How many people out there who have this calling and ideas and they’ve been able to do things that have actually changed their own life that can help other people and they feel that calling to be able to share it. Like for me, it was like, oh my god, I can’t stop sharing it (in person). I still can’t do videos. But in person, I couldn’t shut up about the things that have helped me, and I think that’s what we’re here for, we’re all students.
We’re all students helping each other. You’ve got that little piece of the puzzle, I’ve got that little piece of the puzzle and we can all help each other.
There are people who have denied themselves the permission to be able to get out there and share what they’ve learnt. “I’m not good enough”. Or “Who am I?”. Those same things from growing up where we keep ourselves small because we don’t want to big-note ourselves, and that’s still ‘a thing’, but what a shame, that there might be 100,000 or 100 million people out there who think that they’ve got something or who know something, who think they’ve got some idea where they can help other people and they don’t do it, because they want to keep themselves small, or maybe because they are listening to people who want to keep them down… I guess…
When I step into.. now that every Monday I’m going to be out in the bush with no distractions. Just me and my tribe. Who have got some ideas on how we can really impact a lot of people, and really help all of us and bring people out of poverty and out of a negative mindset and out of poor health, and all of that, it’s all part of it. I can see it can all interconnect.
We’ve gotta start where we’re at, and it just feels good to know that at least one day a week, I will be with people who aren’t bringing anyone down, who only have bigger ideas, who are really wanting to make an impact, who have the right heart & soul, and who are choosing “service to others” instead of “service to self”.
It’s definitely something that I’m really glad has unfolded into my life because I know it was heading there. You can go back videos where I was saying.. when I find my tribe – watch out. Well, I’ve at least found something pretty close and we’ll see where it ends up & we’ll see what happens.
What else can I express?
Just so you know, I’m never – until it’s actually launched – going to mention what this business is on YouTube because I don’t think a lot of you actually resonate with me. I don’t think you’re on the same page, and I don’t think your words would be encouraging.
The last thing I need, while I’m starting something – while it’s still budding – while it’s still a seed that’s just been planted, is people doing the “devil’s advocate thing” and being on that side, when just recently, just last year, I was full of self-doubt, didn’t believe anything that was going on and didn’t know what was real… the last thing that I need is anything that is going to “grab hold of a leg” and try and pull me down, when I can be with people who are “lifting me up”, when I can be with people who “I can lift up”, where together we can feel like we’re actually making a difference and in that moment – who knows what we can create?
Who knows what is possible when you have people who support you.. who are on the same page.. who are actually seeing your vision and have the same vision… who knows what’s possible?
This is something I’ve been dreaming about for years, and although it’s not ‘my’ dream that I’ll be working on, I mean it is – I was working on my thing, they were working on their thing, and guess what – it was the same thing, only they are actually not procrastinating, which is what I was doing as I went off-track, so at least I’m around people who are actually taking action.
At least one day a week, knowing that one day a week, I’m working on my future, one day a week working on a future for you, and everyone else that I want to help… and who knows?
And when you’ve got somewhere to channel your passion and your vision, and your interests and things like that, it does make the rest of the week a lot easier.
When I was working the last 4 days, and going into work. You know that job is sucking the life out of my soul, it’s anti-everything I stand for, and the people can’t see beyond the materialistic world. The alpha waves from the tv have actually brainwashed them and they don’t see anything outside what they watch on tv and it’s really … a mental prison for me, to have to switch-off what “I see”.. which is the expansion.. which is all this…. the way that I see the world anyway. I have to turn that off and go back to materialistic crap and you know that it sucks the life out of my soul.
Well the last 4 days, knowing that every Monday I’m going to be with my tribe, working towards a better future for all, which is what I want everybody to do but they can’t, cos they’re closed.. until then, I’m going to try and find as many people who are awake and want to really have this vision, how many lives can we impact, how many people can we help, when we’re helping the people that are helping the people?
Leaving a legacy instead of just living out our days doing the mainstream thing… and having fun while we do it – can’t argue with that.
I had to kick a friend out of our secret group. It’s hard to kick people out that you’re friends with. This is a group where you are free to talk about anything as long as you don’t get your knickers in a knot – conspiracy, higher conscious living, aliens, politics to an extent, religion.. anything.. “things you’re not supposed to talk about”. It’s a group where people post things that they are interested in but they know that if they posted it on their profile, they’re contacts would not be open to it. Post what you like as long as you don’t get your knickers in a knot, and he was getting his knickers in a knot about every single post “I can’t believe you guys think this.. you’re wrong.. you’re terrorists!”.. I love people that don’t agree – that’s why I kept him around for so long even though he was about to burst a vein in his head for everything we were posting. It was kinda amusing that almost every single time someone would post something, you’d see this different perspective, which was like.. anti-whatever-you-post.
Got to the point where he was basically attacking other members, so had to let him go. You’re not open-minded enough. Things you don’t resonate with, just skip it, don’t even comment on it.
What else do I want to get out?
Killing time here. It has been a long day.
I just thought I’d record on the way and see if there’s anything that wants to express itself.
If you want to check out a really good channel.. Steve Turgoose.
He does live things every now and then, where he’s playing guitar and also expressing his thoughts on the world and sometimes in the song itself. I’m really on the same page as him for a lot of things, he sees beyond mainstream.. he gets it.
The secret to Penny feeling better… journey to a better life.. is the removal of self-doubt. Knowing who I am, why I’m here, what I’m here for, having a sense of purpose, and being confident. There’s so much I could say about that, but I’ll save that for the podcast. Being confident, even when I know I’m on the bridge, even when I know that I’m still getting through trauma, that I’m not “there”, not “where I want to be”…
In 900 metres turn right…
Now I’ve lost my train of thought.
What is this town? Maybe there’s a place I can get food. Oh we’re at Woodend… there’s a Coles.. let’s go to Coles.
Alright, I don’t know what I was talking about.. something about confidence. So, even though I’m not where I want to be yet, I’m still on my little journey, for me to be like a million times better than what I have been, since that first self-doubt seed was planted, and then it was “burned into my skull”, when I went psychosis diagnosis instead of spiritual emergency. Instead of trusting my own gut, instead of trusting my own messages that I was getting that was telling me that it was a spiritual emergency, when I trusted that it was a psychotic disorder instead because it made more sense to my left-brain – and I needed that.
I needed one way or the other, and that’s the way I took. But because of that, I ended up in an extreme self-doubt-mode, which meant it took a lot longer to get back-on-track, than if I had’ve well.. “not had to go to work” for one because when I was going through that and then having to turn all that off and then go to work when I was having all this crazy shit fucking experiences… it would’ve been better to go “Ok, stop world, let’s just figure out what’s going on and go through it that way”.. but.. I needed quick-stability to get back to work and that psychotic diagnosis thing.. that, I think.. it is what it is.. I ended up going that way and it ended up taking me on a different journey than (.. choose your own adventure..) it would’ve gone a different way, but at the same time – where I was going – was way up in the sky.. it wouldn’t of been useful to my life.
Alright let’s go check out Coles.. bye..
Latest posts by Penny (PennyButler.com) (see all)
- Easiness = Aligned to our inner-being? - Sep 25, 2016
- Mt Franklin, Sleepy chat about pain & dense energies - Sep 22, 2016
- Mundane video – day searching for work in Ballarat - Sep 21, 2016
- Ramble on Hwy.. need to be my best self so that I can be there for others - Sep 20, 2016
- Shadow Work ~ Shame, Humiliation & Soul-Wounds - Sep 18, 2016