Last week I asked a question out to Facebook land.. “Who are you and what are you doing here in this life?“.. I didn’t really get much of a response to it, and actually felt it wasn’t as deep as the questions that I really had burning. I also was feeling rather happy last night, and excited to just put it out there.. the big questions .. and see what happens.. to maybe discover if I’m actually friends with anyone on a similar path as I am.. and just put the antlers out there to see if it reaches like-minds…to just.. chat with.. or know if anyone resonates with these questions still.. or maybe just to…. state my intentions.. that these are the questions on my mind, the things I’d love to talk about and discover more about. So late last night, before I went to sleep, I made this statement:
Who am I? Why am I? What is my life truly about? What else don’t I yet know? How do you want to be remembered? What do you want to experience before you die?
I think I’ll learn a lot more about life, if I’m able to freely express my questioning about it.. as in, whenever I answer or attempt to answer these kinds of questions, I always seem to learn something more – in that instant, either about myself or about what I need to learn, or something I’d like to ‘change’. So even after writing that, I learnt something new, and when people responded and I was answering.. I was also learning more.. and now I want to talk about it all the time.. because I know I’ll grow and develop further, the more I question and attempt to answer.
So I have had a few responses so far, and strangely (or not?), none from any of the people that normally comment on my posts. I’m overjoyed that there are actually people out there that still resonate with these questions. Would be so cool if there were people in my “real life” that I could talk to as I go through this journey of self-discovery though. And I don’t mean to say that Facebook friends are not real, but it’s just that yearning to be able to talk ‘in-person’ with people who I can feel comfortable being “free” to talk about stuff, and be “free” to change my mind along the way, as I learn a different aspect of myself that comes to pass, while you are discovering it.. er.. yeah, that makes sense to me..? :)For the past year, I think those questions have consumed at least 50% of my time hehe.. sometimes they are depressing questions, & sometimes they inspire & give me hope & purpose.. but I love it, seriously love it. It helps me to discover little gems, that leads me to research something on a path that I never would’ve found if these questions weren’t consciously burning in the back of my mind, which leads onto a new discovery.. something else to dig my mind into .. and then the next.. deeper & deeper .. and I can’t think of anything more exciting to spend my free time doing, I wonder if it’s these burning questions that we’ve asked since we could talk.. are the driving force behind all of us.. (until they are brainwashed out of us by society along the way ) It’s like being reborn to re-ask those same questions as an adult, looking at this crazy world in a different way both from a distance & really close-up, and deeply thinking about how important those questions are.. and not just thinking about them on our death-bed, but rather.. consistently.. along the journey.. making us become better people, & helping us to make better, more conscious decisions especially in regards to what is right, what feels right, what is the ‘right’ thing to do, ethics, honesty.. and all that.. hmm.. ponders.. *sits on hands*….*drifts off to thought-land again*.. time for another book then bed, got an early morning tomorrow and don’t want to be up all night trying to solve the world’s problems again.. (hmm.. see, modern society getting in the way of my life-purpose again.. ) I’m on that journey now, the journey of discovering what my life is truly about.. and I think it’s the ‘journey itself’ that is what my life is truly about.. as far as how I want to be remembered.. Ive thought about this a lot this year, especially since getting sick and being on the new path to wellness.. it’s ever eye-opening, sometimes I feel so close to figuring it all out, when I have a breakthrough ah-ha moment, and yet, at the very same time, I feel like that is part of why we are here too, to keep learning & experiencing.. I love that I can change my mind at any moment, and not be fixated into one particular belief, but that something I learn even now, from having this open conversation, could change my life, give me another tidbit that helps shape who I am.. to keep becoming who I am by staying open & conscious to what is happening around me and the lessons I learn in every moment that I am alive.. does that make sense? I think what I really want to do, is just keep discovering.. and share, learn, and grow with others on the same path.. to inspire & be inspired.. How do you want to be remembered and what is your life truly about ? I would love to know if you have pondered that too and what free thoughts you have to share I find the topic so awakening.. Im guessing this is one of those conversations that I could keep having forever, for the rest of my life
(Unfortunately I have to sleep now because I have to get up at 6am.. but I’ll be back on tomorrow afternoon to see if anyone has these thoughts.. very excited to see if there are like-minds in my friendslist)
(and now I better get ready for work or I’m going to be late… wonder what I will learn about myself and about human potential today at work.. hehe)
can relate to the job thing.. sometimes you think one job is completely unrelated to another, yet it prepared you for it. I’ve had all sorts of jobs that were unrelated but helped me to develop skills in the next one that I wouldn’t of been offered to participate in without the other position(s).
In November I started a new casual job after losing my business & health, etc. out of the cave and back to “real people” again. The job is not much, but the life-lessons & mindset I’m developing – who would’ve thought this job would help so much with that? I never imagined that learning how to deal with difficult, nasty people, would make me anything but sadder and more depressed (and it certainly did the first month+ I was there), but instead of tilting me downwards, it’s now helping me propel in leaps & bounds forwards.. to reach a new awareness in myself.. to seek the good in people, to have more empathy, or even wonder if they might actually be sick underneath with something undiagnosed that causes them to be so mad & angry all the time (I’m thinking.. maybe liver issues for a couple of them.. this world has many things that make people pretty toxic & many are unaware of how sick they really are).. I’m just starting to see things through a different lens now, it’s making me appreciate the smiley, friendly ones, & reset/forgive each day for the nasty ones and finding myself with a little ‘bounce’ in my step instead of going outside trying to hide the tears.. so much has changed in such a short amount of time. I never thought I’d appreciate negative over-angry people, but I am learning so much more about myself from being placed in their path.
For my current life lesson(s), this place was surprisingly exactly where I needed to be, experiencing that, learning how to be less “dramatic” myself, I think I still have a few things to learn in this job about myself, my emotions, mindset and also how to really “see” people before I move onto the next journey.
For the past month or 2, when people are mean and yelling for ‘who knows what’, there has been a kind of an inner “spark” in me (like, if I could giggle out loud without coming across the wrong way, I would) but the inner happy-kick that I get, has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me realizing how happy I am now that their drama doesn’t affect ‘me’ anymore.
We learn these life lessons not from trying to build a perfect life where nothing goes wrong… I’m starting to think that we grow and learn the most from being placed in front of challenges that force us to grow or drown (and I’ve drowned a few times :) but at least I’m still here to both analyse & seek the growth path now).
Maybe everyone is exactly where they need to be, we are each on our own journey, and growing at our own pace, and I’m only at the beginning of mine I think.. and still learning how everything seems mysteriously interconnected.
That’s really great that you are feeling a calling for a renewed novelist passion. Who knows.. maybe it was put on hold for you to gain that extra knowledge & life experience first Knowing what you want to do is a problem a lot of people have (I thought there was something wrong with me for not knowing which direction to go in), but once you know what it is you want to do… well, let’s just say, if you believe that’s your calling – I can’t wait to hear about your progress now that you know what many others wish they knew
I have either met those who think they are “beyond” where I’m at, or those who don’t think as deeply where I’m at so I get greeted with the “deer stare” or the “Um. you are crazy” look.
So yeah I don’t know, maybe I’m yet to connect with others who think the same or perhaps I have some more lessons to learn along the way first.. I don’t know :)
Even when I think I’ve found someone that is on the same journey, sometimes I don’t feel like we are level enough to discuss anything (like they may think they have all the answers, and I’m still at the stage of thinking that none of us do..that as soon as we figure something out, there is something more to figure out..) and so there is this ‘disconnect’ because I keep thinking there is more to learn & loving discovering new things, and can’t seem to ‘meet them’ where they are (although I try.. but it’s a lot easier to meet them where they are at if they are still in ‘wonder’ and still consider themselves ‘starting the journey’, and find it harder to meet them where they are at.. if they think they have already discovered all the answers) but because our journeys and experiences are so different, and we are ever-learning, I think it’s been a little difficult to find those on an even playing field to have real conversations with.. those who are at .. the same level (for lack of a better word).
For me.. I feel I have an enormous amount to learn, but I don’t want to be “told” how it is, I want to experience it for myself, to learn and grow through it, and meet others who are experiencing it too, rather than finding people who are trying to ‘tell’ others how it is. Because for me .. it isn’t.. because how can it be.. it’s just that way for them because that’s their experience, their journey so far, but not necessarily the same way for me or anyone else because we are all at, wherever we are at, and grow best by living through it, rather than just being told.
Aaargh lol, that came out a lot more confusing than how it sounded in my head
So sorry !!
I read a book yesterday about how you have to die and give up your hold on everything to start again, that’s just his opinion but I resonated with what he said because I went through a similar experience and definitely have noticed deep changes happening that may not of happened if I didn’t think I was going to die. Though I don’t think anyone needs to die or have a near-death or dramatic experience to start-over or requestion their lives, but I think that’s what helped me, maybe I needed that “urgent push” in the opposite direction to wake up and pay attention. Which does beg the question of whether it all happened by some deliberate act, or whether something in my own subconscious helped it move that way.. but that’s a conversation for another day .. another thing to ponder and wonder :)
It’s like you are reading my mind I love it. I love just having a conversation without funny photos of cats, quizzes or political views. ‘Meaning of life’ conversations on facebook? Love it. The facebook platform allows people to express nuggets in quote-form but is a different experience to express inner-views, especially views that none of us really know the answers to, that are constantly changing with every moment & every experience, so it’s even more magnificent to me that I got any comments at all, as they’re vulnerable subjects that are suppressed among so many (including my past self… and the views that I don’t “yet” know, that are still suppressed), but I’m so grateful to everyone who have freed up that human inner-fear that some of us have of what other people think of them’, of what is supposedly ‘normal’ vs what we perceive as ‘nuts’, and I’m grateful be able to find like-minds among my friends-list that I secretly hoped were hiding in the shadows there somewhere lol
You clarified what I was thinking, and said it in a way that I was trying to put it. Especially with the changing every minute comment, as I felt I changed already several times in this conversation
And about the ego comment too.
Our own minds could also either be misinterpreting different ideas or are still affected by past belief systems, or even by new belief systems that we “take on” when we acknowledge, agree or disagree with someone’s interpretation / thoughts, and in that moment when we ‘automatically’ and ‘unconsciously’ take on another belief i.e. “that sounds right to me”, that sliver of acknowledgement changes our minds too, changes our filter-system, which in turn affects the next piece of the puzzle that might be highlighted / discarded.
I want to keep present in the moment and keep reminding myself to keep ever-open, to stay conscious so that I continue to feel free to change my mind at any moment and allow myself to be wrong a few minutes ago so that I can grow in the ‘now’.
Maybe that’s where meditation would help? We have billions of information coming to us, which our minds & subconscious help filter for us and either discard or highlight it’s importance to us as individuals. I haven’t yet succeeded with anything ground-breaking in meditation – but truthfully I haven’t given it my full attention for longer than a few weeks either & instead have now opted for ‘quiet reflection’ to take the pressure off myself until I’m ready to delve deeper & dedicate more time to it. It probably takes years to develop? I’m going to do the “Master Key System” course (26 weeks) in full to try and develop that part of me, not sure when (current focus is health) and I also want to be living or constantly in communication with like-minds when I do it.
I think that’s where turning off the tv and doing our part to consciously filter out the stuff we ‘do’ have control over, highlighting & spending time with people that help us grow, and toning down the people who don’t, being aware about what we are allowing to come in, but at the same time realizing that we also learn & grow from those who don’t have like-minds; that some people are in your path for a yet to be determined life-lesson (their own, or yours). I too love to read books (and podcasts and forums and blog posts), not thinking that they have all the answers either, but also hoping for a nugget or a certain interpretation that I’m ready for. Sometimes you can hear the same message from 40 different authors / people until one of them says it in a way that “reaches” you or when you are finally in a place where the experiences you’ve had or the mind is open enough to help that message make sense, where all of a sudden, you realize that all 40 of them have been saying the same thing & it all comes together.
I liked a quote on FB yesterday.. “The greatest prison that people live in is the fear of what other people think.” -David Icke
This is the thing that I still need to consistently work on. I’ve been a “people pleaser” for years, and then a zombie when things got dark. My main fear was feeling mis-understood or being wrong or hated, and I was also very mixed-up because I thought I was doing the right thing and then didn’t know what to do when I lost it all. But there was also an inner-pain of not feeling free to express myself. A constant inner-conflict of trying to make others happy while at the same time, being free to be me or to find out who I am, who ‘we’ are. That was made abruptly more important & highlighted when I thought I was going to die without anyone knowing who I really am, and I felt I had so much more to give & so much more to learn, but was focusing my attention on the lesser important stuff, the things that in the scheme of life don’t really ‘matter’.
The thing that has helped me so much, in the past year & especially the past few months, was slowly incorporating my thoughts publicly where only people who are searching for it, might find it. I designed my website where the deep thinking stuff was hidden, and made my blog the ‘one sacred place in the world where I am free to be me, in this moment, without fear of being wrong tomorrow’. For me, this was a self-development that I’m really able to see myself through as I look back at how I was thinking at a certain time and how different I think now, that’s how I can see and feel the progress I’m making. But I still haven’t been courageous enough to share them to facebook, or on an area of the site where people can readily find it by browsing. I have only shared the quotes & nuggets from other authors that have helped shape my consciousness.
It’s this status message that was probably the precursor to seeing if the other thoughts would ever make it to this platform or into public areas of my site or not. So I know there is still much inner-work to do, because I obviously don’t yet feel completely ‘free’ to express myself… a lifetime of experiences and beliefs need to be re-arranged, and I still think of certain people in my life reading these messages and the horror they might be experiencing at how ‘revealing’ I’m being. That it’s ‘too much’, ‘too personal’. That I shouldn’t be doing it It might make them feel very uncomfortable. But at the same time, these are the same people who I want to “know” who I am before I die, not just think they know me, but actually know me, and they are the ones who I really want to know as well, not just think I know, but “actually” know.. and without being able to dialogue these thoughts in our daily conversations, it’s something I think about. The people you want to really understand you, are usually the ones that make you feel like you are from another planet when you try and have that conversation with them.
Sometimes I think the same thing about being here to serve others, or at least that being a huge part of it. That was especially a strong calling to me, not only throughout my entire life, but when things were at their darkest, the little ‘seed’ that was left was this strong urge to at least be alive long enough to leave a legacy that would help my family & friends. And I’m glad that I started that legacy because it lead me to where I am now, on the way to healing myself with the lessons that I had only intended to leave behind for those that I love.
At various points in my life, I’ve wanted to open up houses for homeless, visit Africa and help the hungry, training centres in 3rd-world countries, adopt children with greater needs, open up a healing wellness centre for people to be able to get past addictions – all sorts of strong ideas along my journey.
And all of those ideas are still there (and more) but right now, the focus is on being ‘alive’ so that one day any or all of those can become a reality, that I can’t help anyone if I’m dead.. so the priority to look after myself & of still working on the ‘legacy’ has moved to the forefront for the time-being :)
n. pl. phi·lan·thro·pies
1. The effort or inclination to increase the well-being of humankind, as by charitable aid or donations.
2. Love of humankind in general.
3. Something, such as an activity or institution, intended to promote human welfare.Free Dictionary
This? Wow.. yeah that sounds exactly like what I want for myself.
I just noticed this tonight, so sorry I thought that the conversation had stopped, lol.. maybe I was getting ready for my birthday and the notification was lost with the bday msgs. I feel the exact same way when you speak and I bet we do have a lot of books in common.. I get a feeling we share similar truths..you also keep popping up when I find other people I want to connect with on facebook – I noticed a couple of nights ago when I was adding some indigo’s.. “oh, randy’s friends with them already” wow. For me, I think there is so much more to learn, that I haven’t “got it” yet, just little bits that go “yeah that makes sense”, then ever-trying to find the connection .. I get a little bit confused sometimes trying to piece the bits of the puzzle together.. (especially when I ‘want’ something to be true but my b.s. metre is still beeping lol).. I’m very glad you joined the conversation… makes me feel a little less ‘disconnected’ from this world when I get the opportunity to explore or at least have a glimpse at the deeper side of my confused mind.
I hear what you are saying, and I think most people keep it in a little box or have already thrown the box away hehe I definitely did for at least a decade or 2 or 3, although it was still there, a muffled voice, a slight pain in my heart/soul – but I kept it suppressed.
We’re all on different journeys though, or perhaps having different realities.. we’re all at where we are at, I don’t think there is a right or wrong place, it just feels like we’re all on a different journey to me.
Like for me, I think that ignoring who I am, suppressing that screaming voice inside of me that was asking the ‘why’s’.. actually propelled me to that dark place; by living a life out-of-sync.. not being true to who I am, being out of alignment to my inner-self, and the box was forcefully re-opened for me ‘at the end’ … which is now the new beginning for me; the new re-awakening or ‘reboot’ or something like that!
I can’t put the box away now, because right now I’m waste-deep in it I’m just getting started. I might be able to put it away again at another phase… maybe soon, maybe later – I have no idea… just taking each day as it comes, each moment as it comes, but not right now.
Right now, it consumes almost every waking thought – but at the same time, it’s not dark thoughts any more, it’s some times perplexing, and often ‘does my head in’ as far as getting a bit confused – feeling a little lost with the information-overload and my poor little b.s. metre is getting a good workout while it tries to make sense of it all, but it’s a joyful, exciting and interesting journey of discovery for me at the moment. When or if it no longer feels like ‘fun’ to experience these questions, maybe I’ll have to put the box away for a little while again too, especially if it starts to get ‘dark’.
This is ‘all I want to do’ right now… I couldn’t switch it off or put it away right now if I tried – that annoying screaming inner-voice part of me won’t let me it’s happy now, it’s having it’s moment of bliss, so I’ll let it have it’s fun for a while and see what I can discover about life, and if I don’t get anywhere after giving it a red-hot-go, then maybe it can go back into the box for some ‘quiet contemplation’ time so that it can let me work on some other goals for a while.