Still feeling not where I want to be.. work is still teaching me to have humility, that I still have ego issues, judgements and distress when others can’t see.. I don’t want to be in that headspace – it’s not healthy & not what I want to project out to the world… (I don’t like to be judged about where I’m at, so I need to transcend my own judgement of others about where they are at), and I keep thinking I’m already there, and the triggers show me that I’ve still got a way to go.
It’s also teaching me that I need to be in alignment with my purpose, more & more feeling the need to move into a space where I’m fulfilling a more meaningful mission… and yet at the same time… I am where I am right now and every moment in our little movie screens is an opportunity to better ourselves, and I still kinda kick myself when I open my mouth and *stuff that I don’t want to say* comes out lol.. (like right now…).. and then I’m like forgiving myself and starting again with a clean slate the next day and then I’m shown again that I’m not there yet, but I feel like I’m progressing.. improving from wherever I am…gotta give myself a break a bit… this has been a really rough rollercoaster ride over the past 6 months going through this trauma and having this heavy secret that I can’t share when I’m someone that identifies very much with being someone that speaks her truth… life is teaching me that some things have to stay hidden and are your own lessons to deal with and evolve from.
I’m starting to feel a shift, and get more understanding from the confusion, the haze is becoming clearer… starting to get some kind ‘certainty’ back (even though I know we know just a speck of the that is all that is.. so in reality I only know that I don’t really know..), but life now is being experienced from a completely different lense than I was looking through last year, and I’ve been through months of “looking at myself” through a psychologists eyes and believe me, that way of thinking can send you more crazy than the crazy that I really am lol.. really dark, negative place to be when you believe that you actually are crazy and can’t trust your own mind… try and navigate life when you don’t trust your own thoughts… but now that I’m kinda in a space where it’s a bit more screw-mainstream thinking and being re-aligned to what I feel is true and right, it’s a much more positive space to be in, and I’m finding more and more people that are in alignment and can see beyond what we ‘talk about on a daily basis’, and because of them… it is kinda giving me the security & maybe “external validation” that I shouldn’t “need” but it encourages me to trust in & even embrace what I am experiencing.
I’m starting to get clarity about all that happened and being able to see it more from a soul’s journey kind of perspective, and I really sound crazy right now to mainstream and I can’t really apologize about it because I just don’t see the world the same way anymore… too much has changed.. but at the same time, I hate being “different”… and yet, I don’t want to stop exploring this crazy universe.. cos life just got way more interesting. Down the rabbit hole I go again… this time, I hope I have some brake-pads when I need to pause, use discernment etc, before integrating..
/ end crazy ramble before work
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Penny has a passion in 'accelerated learning' and a special interest in living an optimal life including health, time, business, goals, mindset and happiness. Penny is a truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and further and deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, whilst providing a searchable archive to easily lookup and reference. Learn more on the About page