[IChing] Intimacy with the wrong person (Part 1)

IN Dark Night of the Soul

The IChing helped me to define “my part in the play” when it comes to people & relationships. Something that prior to finding the IChing, I had lived like “that’s how other people live, but that’s not me… I love everyone, I am ‘more’ loving, and this is what this planet needs, etc.” which kept getting me into trouble because that’s “not how other people live” and I thought that for me to navigate society, I had to turn off my love which I didn’t want to do because I ‘wanted’ to love everyone :)

So the IChing “pulled me back down to earth” when I was “flying too high” for the rest of society. It helped me with “ego issues” that I didn’t see within my own shadow.

This is some of the answers that helped me through a traumatic time a couple of years ago of “not understanding” why “others can be so cruel”, and understanding ‘my part’ in how things unfold – that both parties and their uniqueness results in how things play out. (note: that doesn’t mean that the other party didn’t make harmful and evil choices… just that.. the IChing helps you understand “your” part, so that you can “work on that within yourself” – to heal yourself & learn about how your interactions in the world, can pull in “what you don’t intend”, and clear up your old-thinking that is causing you harm/distress/trauma) which in turn helps you to navigate life with a little less trauma, and a little more responsibility, awareness of resulting causality. It helps you learn to take responsibility for your life, forgive yourself and others, and return to your authenticity (balance/inner peace).

I’m titling the blog posts as “Intimacy with the wrong person” but that is not necessarily true. There is no wrong. The dynamics of people we meet sometimes are traumatising to us because our collections of thoughts, expectations, perspectives differ and we feel ‘wronged’ or ‘harmed’ in the process. According to the law of one, relationship catalysts are there for the lessons we sought pre-incarnation and we excitedly signup for some heavy-shit while we’re on earth for the full human experience – that all experience is valuable, is part of the creator knowing the creator, and that nothing that eventuates is ‘wrong’, just as we go through experiences, we gain more experience and take that wisdom with us, a mistake is rather a lesson that we haven’t recognized yet and keep repeating until we learn. Everything is an opportunity to learn, grow, evolve and it’s our ego, pride, and perspective that deems experiences as good or bad. In any case, my lesson in this particular life-changing event, was living true to my integrity, thereby the title is an accurate “summary” for people who may come across these notes.

What am I not currently seeing in my own life?
#21 > #3 4,5,6

How I interpreted/related: It was a wake-up call reading. I had to consider my part in it, that I had somehow caused it, or that I was humiliated because of something that needs to be reformed within me. It was bang-on about me “changing myself to please others – to be what they needed me to be”. That I was not living true but it was a mind-bending reading because at the time, I really thought I was living true and only in hindsight now do I realize just how far outside of my truth I was. I honestly couldn’t see what “I” had done to cause this and this reading was like forcing me to “go there”, go to the fear, face my own actions and transform that which was out of alignment.That my ego felt humiliated because… “I” felt ‘wrong’ about something I did (else – why would I feel humiliated at all, if I knew I was living true?).

Taking for granted is trusting
#38
Everything we experience gives us an opportunity to learn and grow.

How I interpreted/related: I can’t remember what I meant when I made this statement, probably something to do with the fact that I was so trusting & absolutely taking for granted that nothing was out of sorts, that there was no ‘need’ to mistrust. But the answer back was helpful in that it made me realize that wherever we’re at in this game, whatever is going on, wherever we are located and whatever experience we are having, is an opportunity to level-up – that no matter how bad it seemed, how hopeless it was, that this was time to be a student and learn from it and become ‘better’ from the experience… somehow.

Do you have any advice on how I can best learn through what I have failed to recognize?
#15
Humility. Stay modest. Don’t lose sight of what’s right.

How I interpreted/related: Facing my own ego. This was a huge “ego-shattering” experience for me, where everything I believed and trusted and thought was right in the world and about myself was turned upside-down. I was so certain that I understood life and how it worked and this was telling me “no” – you have ego issues. My over-confidence and unconditional love for all was ‘arrogance’. This was a humbling experience – horrible lol, but humbling all the same. I had to come back to earth and face myself. I had to live true to my values. There was nothing ‘modest’ about this experience, and it was trying to teach me that.

Does life punish you or do you punish yourself, how does that work?
#21


How I interpreted/related: Here I was trying to figure out whether I was doing this to myself or whether ‘life’ was punishing me with some kind of negative-karma. First it helped me take off my rose-coloured glasses – where I was seeing everyone as innocent and made me face-up to the fact that just because I “want” and “believe” everyone is good underneath that doesn’t mean it’s so. At the time I was getting conflicting visions/dreams (dreams telling me to trust/help, visions telling me what he was really up to, but that was so shameful that I ‘chose’ the dreams over the visions because that’s the reality I wanted to believe). I was deceiving myself. I was being wronged and refused to believe that he would do that, and I was also deceiving myself and not facing my own issues in the situation. He wasn’t being honest and neither was I.  

Because of the age difference, I was in the wrong 100%?
#53 > #10 1,2,3,4,5


How I interpreted/related: I was older so I thought – maybe I should’ve known better, trying to figure out “how I was in the wrong”, trying to face where I went astray. It helped me recognize that this was a new situation for both of us, and that I had never been in a situation like this before and I had never ‘been’ that way before – this was a whole new aspect of me that I had never explored and that I was inexperienced when it came to dealing with this new situation. That I wasn’t taking time to consider all dynamics at play because I thought that my role was just to help him and love him through the stress he was going through; not realizing that I was also going through a trauma of my own because of all that came up. He was going through a highly stressful period in his life too and was struggling himself to deal with everything going on in his own life, let alone our connection.  It was a wakeup call to the fact that neither of us were “allowing things to develop naturally” and it was a confusing/stressful time for both, and that what I did was seen as disgraceful and forceful in his eyes even though I was following his lead on the situation, as I didn’t act ‘according to social norms’ because it wasn’t a normal situation – I was on a mission to help him. Definitely can see the hindsight lesson here that I have learnt from and applied & integrated into my life since.  

What do I most need to know?
#8
Be true and sincere with others.

#38 > #54 6
There are no enemies, only love. The steps to union can only be achieved by allowing uniqueness, opposition, and then acceptance to flow in it’s natural cycle. Authenticity is not sacrificed so that deeper affection can grow.

How I interpreted/related: That if I had stayed true to my own sincerity (when I was scared shitless), that things would’ve been better, but my ego didn’t want to believe that I was struggling, even though I was full of fear most of the time – I saw it as an opportunity to face my fears and pushed through the force-field that was trying to hold me back. That neither of us were being true and sincere to ourselves as we were adapting to our crisis’s. To be authentic, that it’s ok to live true to you and it’s ok that both are different. I changed myself to match his values & fantasies to get ‘his approval’ and for him to like me.  

Do we still have more karmic stuff?
#60 > #3 2


How I interpreted/related: I completely stopped trusting my own intuition because afterall, it was what led me into the fire to begin with. Here the IChing is trying to get me to realize that I did have reliable intuition – I was just misinterpreting it (that I was ready to face my fears, that everything was coming up for me to work on) and “going against” my own gut that was telling me “stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop”.

Where is my guilt located?
#48
Deep fears we would rather not face.

How I interpreted/related: That I had a corrupted hard drive. That my suppression of all my past-fears and traumas had led to this moment. That there were deep fears within that I would need to uncover and heal.

How can I learn to access (& work on the guilt) and is it in my best interest to do so?
#59 > #29 6
The fear of loss and the pain of being misunderstood is what we defend. Seek to understand rather than seek to be understood. Listening is more important than defending a position. Relinquish control.

How I interpreted/related: I wrote journals upon journals of “my version”, which was so completely different than “society’s” version. Here it’s telling me to try and see it from his point of view so that I can get to the root of the problem.

What has sex got to do with the well?
#45 > #12 6



Him
#27 > #18 1,2,3


How I interpreted/related: That I changed myself to get him on side. That I was needing him to approve of me because I had changed, had lost weight, healed myself (extremely healthy and vibrant), felt confident, high on life, ready to teach everything I had learnt and this ‘new’ me, needed validation that I was now ‘desirable’. I also saw everyone as innocent and as a “soul” in a human body at that time, and that ‘behind everyone’s mask to the world, they are just like me – a higher-soul having an earth-experience’. It’s saying that I should never seek validation from others – that unworthiness feelings are from within and need to be uncovered and worked on, so that I’m coming to the table with a full-bowl – complete & whole – with lots to offer, instead an empty-bowl ‘needing’ something from them.  I was also addicted to conspiracy theories and ‘out of the box’ thinking. And it called me out on that as well, forcing me to ask myself whether I was so “unique” because of a characteristic-flaw of “pushing people’s buttons” – being “different” because of the high it gave me to ‘shock’ others. I was going through some kind of psychosis where I didn’t know what was real, my beliefs were being shattered, and I wasn’t thinking clearly. It was telling me to stop and I think by this time I had stopped but I was still cross-eyed not understanding what had happened. It was telling me to take proper care of myself.

Why couldn’t I see this before, what’s different?
#20 > #8 6


How I interpreted/related: I didn’t understand anything, I was really confused in how things unfolded. I thought we were on the same page and then suddenly it was like falling down the rabbit hole straight into the depths of hell. It was guiding me to take a mountain-top view of the situation – to see how my being different impacts and affects others and that even though it failed, that there is still an opportunity to learn from it. It was telling me to dig deep into my own inner-truth and look at events in my own life and how that may of led to seeing the world from a muddy perspective. And to lighten up a bit. Then it was saying to contemplate my own integrity – if I had stayed true to my own sense of integrity, that it wouldn’t of unfolded the way it did, that it went awry because I went against my own soul to get external approval.

What I needed from him
#37


How I interpreted/related: That I was imbalanced & needy (needed him to accept & validate me), and that I was not allowing him to feel free. That I definitely repressed my true feelings to please him. That I spoke words of my teachings rather than speak my truth of ‘not there yet’ / vulnerabilities. That what I “needed” from him was his acceptance of me, validation of my ‘new me’ (and it’s telling me that’s not healthy lol – to get stability and have a strong foundation from within)

How do I best approach this?
#40 > #24 1,2,4


How I interpreted/related: It’s saying to stop trying to approach this at all – to let it go and not to feel guilty about it. That he was living in from a different level of integrity than me, and that I should get back to my own virtue / my own level. That my visions were correct (rather than my dreams), that he is not trustworthy, and to free myself and move on.

Conflict – Folly
#6 >#4 4,5


How I interpreted/related: I love how I wrote conflict – folly and the IChing answered with exactly that (#6 conflict > #4 Youthful Folly). It’s saying I can’t win this, that I need to accept it and let it go. It’s also interpreting the “secret” things that he shared with me as something that I should go to the authorities about (however I did not).  

How do I be open to “receiving” love?
#8 > #23 5,6


How I interpreted/related: That if you are secure in yourself, you have no ‘neediness’ for others to love you, that they will be attracted naturally when you’ve got you’re shit together. It’s also bringing up the fear I had about ever trusting again and being intimate with anyone that it’s something I need to explore within. And, it’s saying that my pushing to help him was making him feel like he was trapped or ‘less than’. And, that there is no hope of seeking union again, that it wasn’t right to begin with.

How do I get over my ‘fear of intimacy’?
#57 >#48 6


How I interpreted/related: It’s basically saying to deal with my past, to find the root-cause of my issues and by giving away my power, I have left myself lifeless in that department – that I’ve sacrificed my own identity. I went against my soul and it’s going to take time to unravel. It’s also saying to stop compulsively seeking to fix this at the moment when I’m still in a state of confusion, because my mind is already in ‘excess’ and I need to take a step back from focusing on this for the time-being.

What are the things that are secrets / not revealed that I need to know about my situation?
#10


How I interpreted/related: It’s saying that if you feel like you are walking on eggshells with someone – that something is not in alignment. To act with dignity rather than try and constantly help him (when he’s not even asking for help). That my ‘seeing him as needing help’ was making him feel powerless and his own ego felt threatened by me, and that my world-view may not be their world-view – that we each have different perspectives of situations. That I need to gain clarity, that it’s ok to have a personal vision and values for the betterment of my life & the world, but not to ‘impose’ my vision/values onto others as it comes across as egoic and arrogant.

We both needed to face our wounds
#38 > #41 4


How I interpreted/related: Realizing that we had been attracted to each other at a time of stress and chaos, I thought that maybe life had drawn us together for specific lessons / overcoming fear and healing wounds. I cared very much what was “inside” a person rather than the social mask and was always trying to draw more out of him that can help him heal. Both of us got to reveal deep wounds and express pent-up past issues. I did feel free but also lonely that noone could join me in this freedom and meeting him brought out things that would definitely teach me important things about myself. Not sure if I can ever verify if it did the same for him, even though it’s suggesting that’s the case in this answer.  

What did he get out of it?
#39


How I interpreted/related: I guess it’s saying that he got to see how judgemental he was of others and to be more accepting of other people’s points of views. To stop putting on a mask to please his friends and family – to speak his truth. To not live so superficially. And that his authentic nature shouldn’t be sacrificed for others. To allow everyone to feel free to be themselves.

What action will I need to take within the next few weeks?
#50 > #30 1,2


How I interpreted/related: That this is an opportunity to do a massive ‘cleanup’ of past/wrong thinking, to really discern my values and beliefs and upgrade my hard drive to new software, and that from this experience, I will eventually be able to help others.

What best to focus on for deeper intimacy / personal transformation?
#1 > #54 3,5,6


How I interpreted/related: Time to do the inner-work rather than focusing on helping others or rectifying the situation. That there is definitely going to be trouble from this, and to withdraw from fixing it, to work on correcting my own inner-strength, vulnerabilities and weaknesses. To stay out of the limelight for the moment and to persevere and be vigilant through my own self-work. It’s also letting me know that my beliefs are cloudy right now, so I have to be more aware of my ego’s defences, and to go within, meditate, listen to my intuition with discernment, and not get too ahead of myself – that it’s not going to be an overnight-fix.

11:11
#20 > #33 3,4
In a past situation, one examines the truth of what transpired and comes to understand why things unfold the way they do. Beyond purely selfish motives, you observe how your actions influence others. You may need to sacrifice for the benefit of the team beyond selfish aims.

How I interpreted/related: That I sacrificed “my version”, “my identity”, my “reputation to the world” and my “heart” for “team-humanity”. That my experiment with life had very very negative consequences and that I would suck it up to a lesson, to learn from the experience and see how life ‘dances’ through each choice-point that we make.

So my sacrifice is to withdraw completely
#10 > #37 2,3,4


How I interpreted/related: It’s encouraging me to face my shadow. To seek internally what needs to be worked on. This is my Dark Night of the Soul period. It’s saying that I don’t have the full picture yet so there is more to be revealed, but that this is giving me an opportunity to get further insight into my purpose in life. It’s suggesting that I look at my integrity, and my beliefs, and yet to still have discernment. And it’s encouraging me to become aware of synchronistic events.

What’s blocking my progress?
#11 > #26 6


How I interpreted/related: That the gossip, rumours, and all the negative consequences of this situation are ripe right now and to try and take it on the chin, ignore it and not fight it. That the damage is in full force right now and that getting defensive or trying to let anyone know my side will only make it worse and expose me to even more trouble and humiliation. It’s telling me to find allies through this because there are a lot of opposition. And that my beliefs are being shattered but that change is ultimately good because it’s all part of the transformation (levelling-up) process.

Is there a way to avoid the humiliation yet still complete the transformation?
#11 > #26 6 (Got identical answer as above)

How I interpreted/related: “Nope”. Or rather, that it’s not about avoiding humiliation, and to just accept that it is what it is and do the work to get through the transformation.

What is the lesson I need to learn?
#6 > #56 2,3,5


How I interpreted/related: It’s saying that this transformation was needed anyway – that my hard drive was full of corrupted old-data that needed an upgrade. It will go a lot more smoothly if I can accept it because the hostile forces/situation is way stronger than I am at the moment, and that even friends/people I trust are also condemning me. To stay true to my own integrity, and to take the secrets to the authorities. (No, I didn’t listen to any of this at the time, only in hindsight can I see how appropriate and spot on this advice was.)

He will humiliate me
#1 > #19 3 4 5 6


How I interpreted/related: Yes, he will humiliate you. And that my ego may be tempted to correct the rumours but that I’m heading for a total burnout if I don’t get in touch with my inner-peace instead. That I had been carrying around a lot of negative turbulance, and it’s time to let it go. That once I get through this passage, people will see the truth of my character and to trust my spiritual side, and my inner voice, even whilst going through the strain of other people’s wrong-views and them not knowing about the totality of the seriousness of the situation & that they wouldn’t understand anyway because I took a path of sacrifice that noone else would’ve taken, based on my own interpretation of my own soul’s guidance, and it’s time to go my own way.

Him
#36 > #46 1 2
Be humble and moderate, yet authentic. Turning adversity into opportunity to learn. We forget our suffering when in the service of others and are therefore healed ourselves.

How I interpreted/related: It’s reiterating seeing this as an opportunity to learn, be authentic, keep my modesty, stay humble, and to turn my awareness towards a more helpful/understanding point of view rather than feeling darkness from him.

Anything else I need to know about this?
#10 > #6 1
Don’t be angry at others to vindicate yourself. Conflict has one purpose, to transform you. Just go your way.

How I interpreted/related: Again it’s saying that even though I’m angry with him for betraying my trust, that it’s all about transformation – to move on from angst.

Forgive, let go, and I can move on?
#52 > #31 4 5 6


How I interpreted/related: Walking around in misery and unable to forgive him yet knowing that I need to for my own sanity. That was a hard period to get through. Trying to forgive the unforgivable whilst also trying to see ‘my part in the play’, and take responsibility for my own part in it, even though I was so angry and upset with his betrayal.  It’s also calling me out on what I used to do to deal with it… which was “pretend everything is great, happy” and put on the fake, happy mask even though I was dying inside. And then when I couldn’t put on the mask, I would be in deep despair and sorrow and victim-mode. It’s saying it’s time to be a master of myself and to forget my ego – to not focus on the loss of reputation/face to the world, to watch my words (when I was just saying god knows what because my mind was so cross-eyed) and to find my peace by meditating and getting centred and that once I do, I will get clarity.

What does “HE” most need to know?
#32 > #59 3 4 5 6


How I interpreted/related: That his ‘games’ with other people’s lives is hurting them and is sending him into a pit of darkness. To see life not from a selfish ‘throw-away’ point of view but to find more meaning in life. To remember who you are and why you came here.


Continued on new blog post – see Part Two
See also – Part Two
See also – Part Three
See also – Part Four

Penny (PennyButler.com)
Penny (PennyButler.com)

Who are we? What are we doing here? What is the meaning of life? Penny is a truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and deeper down the rabbit hole. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, whilst providing a searchable archive to easily lookup and reference.

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