Today I woke up sad, insecure, overwhelmed.

IN Dark Night of the Soul

Today I woke up sad. Sad is probably not the best description..but just not feeling the way I want to feel. Insecure. Overwhelmed. Warmth & welling-up in my eyes – something emotional wants to be released and yet I do not feel the urge to cry. I had a ten-minute quick shoulder massage when I was on my break at work and all my muscles are very tight. I’m all… ‘burdened’ by something. Not in alignment. Not connected.

There are many possibilities as to why this is.. there always is of course, and that is why I live the way that I live – always finding a way to be “ok” with what is.. to live in the moment and to choose to be ‘happy’ in this moment.. or the best feeling I can reach “in this moment”…  rather than stay in a vibration that keeps me off-kilter – that brings more ‘negative experiences’ to me.

My life from the outside does not look as it would if I had “everything I ever wanted”… I’m still here – instead of travelling. I’m still in debt with no end in sight. I still haven’t solved the world’s problems. I still have not 100% got my health back. I still poison myself. I still have a journey. I’ve put on weight. I’m not on track to any of my goals. There is much turmoil, pain, suffering and unfairness in the world, unless we’re completely numb to the world, there is much to be “sad” about, really. To be conscious at this time is to be sad. 

But even with this “weight” that could bare me down and keep me in a low vibration, I think today’s sadness is brought upon by 2 possibilities.

One, it’s detox time, so my body is going through it’s own trauma, and maybe I haven’t got all the right nutrients in me to counteract these emotions. Maybe, I just woke up sad, and my body is dealing with something.. and it will just sort itself out in a day or so.

Two, a guy.

I get hot & cold / fire & ice vibes from a guy I like – even though I probably unconsciously do the same to him although I try not to (neither of us want a relationship, neither of us were “looking”.. both of us want our freedom, want to travel, want to do our own thing.. yet.. we have this “pull” to each other.. a soul-connection – ‘something’, and the ego has a way of messing up a good thing, lol).

I had wanted to “stop” these feelings at the beginning.. to wait.. to hold back.. but I decided “fuck it”.. let go, trust.. enjoy the “now” experience for whatever it is.. enjoy this new connection, live fully in the ‘now’, let it evolve into whatever is serving us both.. let it be our teacher.. let it be joyful.. let it be it’s own unique experience…. it doesn’t mean “marriage”.. it doesn’t mean “loss of freedom”.. if we do have some kind of connection, some kind of deep caring, some good things being ‘activated’ in us from communicating.. then it’s for the highest good to just go with it.. flow with it.. and most likely we end up helping each other in some way – helping each other evolve, and helping each other achieve what we have set out to do in the world – without losing ourselves to each other – but at the same time.. “experiencing losing ourselves’ to each other lol.- why not?

In the process of this allowing… I have allowed myself to open up fully and have an overwhelming love & deep care for him, even though I know this will be like nothing we have experienced before.. that there cannot be any expectations for either of us.. that we have to fully allow each other to “do our own thing”.. to be who we are.. to be true to ourselves… and to “let go” of any .. ‘expectations’ that might come up.

Even though this is more of an “energetic entanglement”.. when you become entangled with anyone’s energies in a ‘more than common friendship’ way.. it can become a battle of the ego’s in that, prior to “waking up”.. this relationship/connection – whatever it is – would’ve been all wrong.

In “Ego-Mode”… I don’t want to send him the ‘wrong’ signals – he doesn’t want to send me the ‘wrong’ signals.

But when we “let-go” … when we ‘connect’, we want to send “all of ourselves” to each other. It’s bizarre. When we’re on the same page.. it’s magical – we’re both in a fantasy la-la land. And there’s nothing I fear of saying.. I don’t even “think”.. I just .. be.. I’m not worried about saying the ‘wrong’ thing or being judged or anything.. I’m just free to explore whatever “comes up”.. (this is how I feel on my side obviously.. lol.. who knows what the heck is going on in his experience of this!). When I read some of the things the next day or whatever – I’m like woah – I said that? LOL.. It’s like.. who/what was that?

But, when either of us slips back into “ego-mode”.. it’s ‘bleh’. Disconnected. Less intimate. Insecurities and fears come up to the surface. 

And I think.. what the heck is that? where did it go? Is it my side or his?
I was “completely happy” before I met him. I don’t want to feel these insecurities lol. 

I am completely entangled energetically with this guy. I can disconnect, but there is still this.. chord.. this wire.. this “something” that holds on.

It’s confusing wanting the best for someone, wanting the best for yourself, and still feeling that overwhelming pull towards someone but also feeling that they also have the same ‘issues’.. lol.. neither of us want or need a partner in our lives right now.. we’re still trying to find ourselves.. and having that soul-pull thing is just damn right confusing, but maybe that soul-pull is just a caring thing.. a strong connection to show how we are vibrating out to the world, that what we are putting out to the world is kind of a “direct match”.. like.. we are vibrating on the same wave length.. we “resonate” with each other.

Maybe our past conditioning & experiences is what puts the extra twist of confusion on it. Our egos.

But what I’ve been stating for like 2 years now.. trust your instincts.. trust your gut.. not your heart, not your head, but your gut. But my gut has different messages for me – all at the same time.. so I have to wait & see: 

1.) “cool off – he ain’t willing to let-go of his ego and see what this pull is all about”.. “he’s too caught-up in defining his new identity”.. “he doesn’t want to explore this.. he wants to do his own thing and this ‘connection’ is interfering with his goals & dreams”.

2.) “this is a spiritual teaching.. this connection is bringing you so much good, and allowing both of you to bring up past energies that need to work themselves out.. and because you are both vibrating at a similar frequency.. you have attracted one another in your life to be able to help each other.. energetically in shifting past similar energies & stuck-emotions, and spiritually because of being on a similar journey, being able to “encourage and support” each other through this time… that even though we didn’t “ask” for it.. it’s here because our souls called for it.. that we are just riding the same wave right now and surfing the same experience.. leave your expectations behind and flow with it.

Or maybe my gut is actually my ego saying.. ‘he’s just not into you’. Which would be far easier. If someone is not into you.. you can move on freely, but if they are hot & cold.. my god.. it’s hard, because I really want to experience letting go of my ego completely with him.. that he could easily be someone that can handle the whole “letting go of what we tell the world we are.. and just being- “just being”. I feel safe enough to do that with him. I want to just “let go” and feel free to love him without getting caught up in the social conditioning crap.. the judgements.. the “what is he/she thinking”. I feel like I “get him” and he “gets me”, but then today.. I don’t.

Today I’m caught up on thoughts that do not serve me. Today I’m caught up on feelings of.. “he thinks I like him too much.. that he won’t be able to get away.. that he won’t be free to speak his truth around me without hurting me.. that’s he’s not sure he wants this experience” 

But at the same time (today being the exception).. so many things have bubbled up energetically .. and they have ‘worked themselves out’. Like things from the past that I would’ve been caught-up on for “years” maybe.. not ‘let-go-of’.. have come up.. and “worked themselves out”.. just as I feel whatever today’s grievance is will “work itself out”. 

I’ve been feeling insecure, then I will find my ‘happy place’ again. Not needing “him” to get there for me. Not needing any other person. This experience with him has taught me to ‘love myself more’. It has helped me work through stuff that I didn’t even know was still blocked in there – affecting my life. So even though we (humans) may want to ‘stop the pain’ and disconnect from anyone that brings ‘painful energies’ to the surface… I’m so glad that these things are coming up now when I’m in a better place – maybe the perfect place – to be able to experience them. This new way of looking at things, allowing these energies to come up… and work themselves out.. I know it’s a “good” thing. It’s helping me become the person I want to become – the person I thought I already was lol. Someone that brings full energy “to” others, rather than taking energy “from” others. I never want to be “needy”. I don’t want to be that person that “takes” the energy from another, that “needs” the unconditional love and acceptance of another. That is something that I can harness from within.. when these energies show up, it shows me where I need to love myself more. It is like a compass to direct me to how I can be more loving. In the past, I might of “shut down” (I am a recovering people-pleaser). In the past, I may of been “wounded”, now I see it as an opportunity to heal all the wounds. 

I think people live in fear. Fear of hurting each other, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of loving, fear of getting it wrong, fear of making the wrong decision, fear of repeating past mistakes, fear of re-experiencing pain. And most importantly, they live in fear of “not” being worthy. Of not being loved for “who they are”. That they “have” to hold back, that they “have” to wear a mask, that they are not ‘safe’ to speak their truth, that they are ‘not’ understood. 

That’s not the world I want to live in lol.

I lived that way my whole life. I don’t know how long I have left, but whether it’s hours, days, months or years.. I want to live my truth. I choose to love fully. I choose to speak from a loving place. I choose to care deeply. I choose to be myself. I choose for people to know the “real me” not the mask that I wore all my life. That however long I have left in this experience, I choose to share who I really am, to be me.

I lived in fear, now I live in truth. “Stuff” from the past does come up, but it works itself out.. it dissipates. I used to have so many walls and barriers up, that I had lost the human connection completely. I died and noone knew who I really was. I died and my funeral would’ve been full of strangers to my soul. My funeral would be full of people who knew the “masked-me”, not the “real-me”. I didn’t want to be hurt, so I didn’t get “involved”. I didn’t hug anyone, didn’t “connect” with anyone, didn’t dare “love” or take down the barriers – I lived alone and lonely. And now I see how important those “connections” are, what a difference it makes when you are brave enough to tear down the walls and live true to who you are and allow other people “into” your world.

When you die, you only take your memories, your experiences with the world and with others. 

The bravest thing people can do before they die is let down their walls. To let people in. To “risk it all” is to “experience it all”.

It does take courage to speak your truth at first, and then it becomes automatic. A lifetime of social conditioning needs to be undone, and it doesn’t happen overnight – it takes time.. so much of what we do is on autopilot (what did you do this morning.. was it the exact same thing as yesterday? We have so many things we do subconsciously that it takes ‘effort’, ‘awareness’.. to ‘consciously’ change these automatic habits). But as you do it.. the “fear of what other people think” dissipates more and more.

I still struggle speaking my truth on my own public facebook wall (where my relatives & lifetime-friends who knew “the mask” but not “my soul” can see what I write). I have no problem speaking in private groups, but there is still “something” there.. some part of me afraid to be ‘judged’ for speaking my truth on my own facebook wall. Afraid of being misunderstood. Afraid of being ‘wrong’. There is so much I want to explore that is so different to the life that I lived for the past 39 years. Still more invisible walls to tear down, still more layers to dissolve.

This blog has helped me the most in being able to “speak my truth”. Then Facebook. Then YouTube. Then “real connections”. 

Today, I talk to my “coffee guy” about the universe & law of attraction. The cleaner about van-dwelling & living off-grid. The back dock guy about modern slavery & sailing the seas. The lady on the bench outside work about “conformity”. The guy walking past about solutions for “homelessness”. (Before I started “being me”… we would’ve talked about the “weather”). I had private chats about what we can do to raise the consciousness of this planet. I had private chats about how reality is created. I no longer judge others for what they do or look like… I see past that.. I see people for who they are behind their “job and what they tell the world they are”. I see everyone as a teacher and everyone as a student. We’re all here, experiencing, creating. I see people behind their mask. I look into their soul.. I feel their energy.. I sense their inner light. We communicate vibrationally (even if they are unaware).

Seeing people and the world in a completely different way first made for a real “outsider perspective” experience. It was like I was watching the world from above.. watching from a different perspective.. seeing “into” a different place – a “movie”. But now I’m consciously doing both. Able to see life from afar… and fully live “in” it.. experience real connections… explore / experience all aspects of “being human” and “being spirit”.. and I know that there is so much more to experience.. that I haven’t even scratched the surface of what’s possible.

And there’s much I’m not saying. Not because I fear to say it.. but because there is “much” to say. 

I’m not upset with being sad today. It is ok to feel whatever genuine feeling I’m feeling. It’s all stuff “working itself out”.. it’s all part of growth and expansion. It’s all part of the journey.

However, I don’t like to dwell in sad spaces.

Aside from the same problems existing whether I’m happy or sad.. feeling any kind of emotion that I don’t want to feel, doesn’t help me get to the emotion that I “want” to feel. If I want to be happy, I have to get into a “happy vibration”. And to get into a happy vibration from a sad vibration.. I need to appreciate.

Although I don’t ‘have’ to do anything. Since I’ve become more aware that my thoughts create my reality, this sadness will most likely dissipate all by itself. Staying in this particular vibration is not going to last.. likely when I go to bed, I’ll wake up tuned-into a different frequency, so there’s really nothing I “need” to do.. just not focus so much on getting “out” of it or the fact that I’m “in” it.. because either will keep me “in” this frequency because my focus will stay on the problem and on the feeling, therefore I will keep “living it”.

As you stop chasing the high and equally embrace the low, every moment becomes Special and Sacred. Everywhere becomes holy.Kute Blackson

Just writing this out tonight already turned-up my vibration. I’m already out of sadness and insecurity .. I’m back in a place of hope and optimism and self-confidence. But I want to turn it up even more. So I’m going to do an appreciation exercise.

And there is so much to appreciate.

  1. I haven’t left for my travels yet.
     
    Ok fine.. I haven’t left on my travels yet, but by being here in Melbourne, I have really improved my relationship with my mum and now have a super-strong relationship with my sister and nephews. My sister and I have a kind of harmony – we’re in-tune with each other, we’re just.. really balanced and really ‘get’ each other. We don’t even need to look at each other to know what the other is thinking, we’re just .. connected. My nephews are the light of my life. Zane randomly comes out and tells me how much he loves me, melts my heart. He’s so sensitive & loving. Jay – he teaches me.. wow, he’s the little rebel but I love how “anti-conformist” he is. He does what he wants to do and it inspires me that he just .. does whatever he wants to do, is not ever going to be “controlled” by anyone (except maybe a youtube gamer’s marketing tactics lol).. but yeah.. it’s actually wonderful to be in the presence of these 2 joyful nephews.A large reason of why I haven’t left was because I got a loan to buy my van.. and I love my van.. it will ultimately provide me the freedom to travel. If I had’ve “left” when I intended to.. I may not have the van. I might be living under a bridge.

    HomeR
    HomeR

    I have unlimited internet to research whatever I want while I am here.

    And, I have a way out. There is no rush. Whilst I am here, I can start creating my dream business. I have all the resources on-hand to be able to create a dream-life, where I can travel and help others and empower people to help raise the consciousness of this planet. 

  2. I’ve put on weight & not currently on track with all I wanted to achieve for my human vehicle. My current looks do not reflect the way I feel inside.
    But Inside I feel...
    But Inside I feel…
    penny-angel
    July 2014
    July 2015
    July 2015

    Ok, so I’ve been hibernating this winter and last year at this exact same time, I was size 10 and had skinny arms and now I’m size 12 with a chubby body and larger thighs. Really? Is that even an issue?

    I have the perfect human vehicle to do everything I want to do in this world. I don’t need to have flawless model looks to do anything. I have much to be grateful for. I have all my limbs. I can walk, talk, breathe on my own. I can laugh, I can see, I can feel. I can hear. I have no pain in my body. I am no longer sick & dying. I no longer consider myself “ugly” & “fat”. I have a functioning brain. I have energy. I am loving. The only person judging me is me, and there is much to love and appreciate. The insecurities about my “external” are really nothing in the grand scheme of things. Many people would be happy to have what I have. Why do we focus only on what we think is less than perfect. Who is perfect? Anyone? Or “Everyone”. We have chosen this human experience and this is the vehicle we have – no matter what the outer-shell looks like, the body we are using – every part of it is perfect for this experience we have chosen. Plus.. why am I judging myself when I now communicate direct behind the eyes and into people’s souls? Why does the outer even “come up”. No matter what people “look like externally”.. you are attracted to the energies.. you and others are attracted to different people for a reason.. we are not all attracted to the same person, but we are all attracted to people’s “vibes”.. their energies.. the frequencies they are on. So why was I – even for a moment – entertaining any insecurities about a “less-than-optimal” human vehicle, when I am operating on a soul-level.

    From an egotistical standpoint.. I am not Khaleesi, but I’m healthy and getting healthier. Noone would guess that I’m turning 40 next year – I’m a thousand times better (in every possible way) than I was 3 years ago, and things will only improve even more as I continue to detox, take-on healthier-habits, and rejuvenate, replenish & energize this vehicle. Being disappointed or feeling negative about all that I am “not” is not self-empowering. I am on a journey and I’m increasing in self-confidence as I unfold who I really am, being true to myself, letting-go of limiting thoughts that don’t serve me, and embracing all I am.

  3. Look how far I’ve come.3 years ago, I was dying, and living the life of a hermit. Huddled under a table, unable to face anything. Suffering, suffocation, darkness was my life. I couldn’t breathe, I was bleeding out of my mouth and other places, I had cysts, I had rashes, I had pain. I am healed.37 years of staying away from people, putting up defences, blaming others, being a “victim”. I now love freely. I hug people – daily. I can send out love. I can receive love. I am the creator of my own reality. I am happy alone and with the company of others who are vibrating at a high frequency. I can send love-filled-energy thousands of miles. I can love multiple people and appreciate everyone for where they are at. I am no longer lost in ego or fear, I am one with the universe.

    I am no longer the girl that chases money & wealth. Instead I embrace experiences – all experiences – every experience. Everything is my teacher. 

Wait a moment. I really don’t know what the fuss was all about. I think I’m back already.. I didn’t even need to go through the entire “I am not this.. so focus on that”. appreciation exercise.. I just needed to lift myself a little bit back to a place of gratitude and appreciation. :) Realize that my journey – every experience within it, was exactly what I needed to grow and evolve and expand. 

Yep. The only suffering we experience is the thoughts we choose to focus our attention on. When we get into alignment with appreciation for the entire journey, for the whole experience, being ever the student, looking out through child-like wonder and excitement and curiosity for all that we can create & experience, we can lift our vibrations higher and not dwell in the cave of our own despair.

appreciation

Penny (PennyButler.com)
Penny (PennyButler.com)

Who are we? What are we doing here? What is the meaning of life? Penny is a truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and deeper down the rabbit hole. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, whilst providing a searchable archive to easily lookup and reference.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *