My “Fall from grace” after a Spiritual Experience

IN Dark Night of the Soul

Timely reminder. I experienced a Kundalini-psychosis triggered by a trauma of this umm “high” you get when you have a spiritual NDE-like experience and the world you know is no longer the same world – and the “fall from grace” when you realize noone else is seeing the same reality you are now experiencing (that others aren’t seeing each other as souls – and so all your “happiness” & new-found vitality and openness to life and the miracles you are witnessing … can be misconstrued in the general population as “too much” and terrifying or something to make fun of/disregard/shit-on… and self-doubt appears about whether you actually had anything magical happen at all… and everything closes up again.. your heart.. your crown.. your belief in the beyond… your trust in yourself and all others… and your ego uncovers all these “undealt-with” crappy things that are were buried & suppressed beneath the other stuff you had already released lol.. & you wonder where does it stop? I guess for some, you’re always still ever-got work to do as a mere-human to be balanced.)

This led to the proceeding ‘Dark Night’ so often talked about and scoffed-at as spiritual-bypassing, but not understood until you experience it yourself. A solitude walk through the hell-fire whilst having to pretend to have a normal kind of life (or maybe that is the definition of hell – the inability to find anyone who could possibly understand).

I kept expecting that any-day I would “snap back” to my happy, positive, loving-self lol because I had this underlying remembrance of this past surrender experience & all the grandiose awesomeness that came from that, as well as all the tools I got from that.. (which ironically, none of them work in the Dark Night.. the only way out of the dark night is to accept the unacceptable and that’s the paradox – you can’t accept the unacceptable lol).

And I’m still trying to understand, but this past-post reminds me of one of the darker-levels that I’ve already conquered, and that even if you conquer a darker-level, life is maybe always showing you the “next” phase that you’re ready for – that we’re always offered more catalysts (pos & neg) in life to learn/grow from… or we choose it, or I haven’t “got it” yet maybe, or maybe this is just uniquely my experience and interpretation.

We do need a ‘way of being’ that serves our own truth – everyone is at different levels of the game – their own unique level – their own unique version – their own unique catalysts that is teaching them whatever it is they are learning or for something new to experience for them to broaden their perspective on life.

I think a combination of shadow-work/facing-our-shit, coupled with optimism/faith that there is some benefit to be gained in your current catalyst, and always taking responsibility to consciously & decidingly level-up from whatever catalyst we’re faced with, not with force, but with gentleness and ease – because you can’t “force” yourself through anything as much as we want to be able to “snap out of despair” faster, or teleport to a different life lol.. and you can’t even force a surrender.

I think that pressure on ourselves to “snap back” to a point that we’re already beyond.. is the main reason we can’t. Because you’ve closed the door on the past – you’re always in the next “phase”, you’re always facing the “next” part of your journey. So you need to accept & deal with where you’re at, to balance yourself from whatever catalyst you are facing; to upgrade/level-up and use that catalyst for growth.

The know-it-alls are also the same “bozo’s” on this bus. They have their own interpretation that works for them, their own set of tools and advice they think will work to help others. But they’re still bozos on the same bus. Noone really knows what we’re doing here – they just decide whatever they want to believe from the experiences they’ve had so far, and they are working through life in their own way – as we all are.

I think this last one shocked me the most because I was higher/beyond anywhere I had been before – I thought I was “there”, and I was “flying too high”, so my ego was strutting around in a false sense of “invincibility” – I wasn’t expecting to fall from that place lol. I still need to balance myself. I still don’t trust other people, but I’m starting to trust my experiences again, because denying them to try and “be like others” was making me more crazy – it was denying a huge transformation of my own reality, and everything has been worse since trying to “make things fucking mainstream”.. my health, my self-esteem, my “wrongness”, my “hate” for myself and for not being understood, the suppression of all the “best/good stuff” that had ever happened to me and make them “wrong” because I can’t talk about it etc.. all triggers to see where in my life I was “seeking validation” from others and trying to “fit in” when I don’t really fit-in to the system at all.. I’m a sham lol.. mainstream makes no sense to me.. but yet I still seek to understand what you see.. in case it’s helpful to my own truth but I only see ways we can improve-upon what we’re doing here on earth and when I’m living a ‘lie’ – a mask to make you comfortable – because either everyone is pretending that the way we live is ok or they really don’t see it – I don’t know, but living a lie is a waste of a life.

I hope that I’m witnessing the last days of this dark night, that the lightworkers project and working on “stuff that matters to me” with other like-minds is my solution/path, because the current system isn’t working for me and others like me & when you’re at the end of your life – you think about these things.. about whether you wasted it conforming / “keeping the system going that you know is hurting people” and “living a fake life to gain acceptance and approval from others” instead of living true to your own soul, and taking a stand to do something that you feel is important while you are here – to not live in regret, but even after experiencing this insight years ago – I got “stuck” back in the system lol because of fucking money & bills – because of the “system” and because of martyrdom too (I did need this dark night to humble myself more too, to “come back to earth” & to get out of the conspiracy-field which was also screwing with my mind lol), so it’s not all bad… any-who…. /end brain-dump/release.


When I was at the end of my life, in the depths of despair, sick, filled with pain, fear, worry, anger, agony.. grief-stricken. Couldn’t breathe, had so many things wrong with me physically & mentally… could barely get out of bed (& when I did, I was a zombie – staring into nothing and focused completely on all my woes). Misery was all I knew and the stress I felt in every cell was so far outside what I could handle. Suffering. Suffocation.

Day after day I lived in nothingness, just pure agony and misery… and eventually, I had got myself into a situation that I couldn’t solve. No answers came & I completely shut-down.

It took one moment… instead of fighting it one day… somewhere, somehow… in just one random moment.. I just accepted my death… and completely let go. I surrendered.

And in that moment… hundreds of things were released. I let go of my ego, I let go of all the bullshit – the money stuff, the strained relationships, the bitterness, anger, the pettiness, the judgements for myself and others, the little things that at the end of your life, when you know that you might have moments, hours, days, weeks to live.. a lifetime of “stuff” that was “in there”.. just lifted – they became ‘meaningless’.

When all the bullshit ‘ego’ stuff was gone… I grieved again. For a life wasted chasing money, for not taking care of myself, for all the years spent holding onto “what they had ‘done to me'”, for a life wasted being “too busy” – for not “smelling the roses”, and mostly for not allowing myself to be me. For wasting a life not being “Real”. For not spending time with those I loved, for not forgiving, for not embracing this human experience, for a “wasted life”.

Was the world better because I existed? No.
Did I appreciate and embrace this experience? No.
Did anyone actually know who I was? No.

There was so much in the world that I wanted to change, more meaningful things to be in “despair” about than the things I was holding onto.

I spent all that time being busy so that ultimately I could help the people I love and the people I felt called to help “… when I get rich”.. “… when I was successful”. (When all the planets are aligned? when?) And my health and relationships suffered.

I decided that no matter how much time I have left… I at least was going to try and figure out who I am, and be real, so that whatever meaningful connections I had left would at least know who I am at my funeral. I didn’t even know who I was because I had lived my life according to the “rules” – especially that big one “don’t be yourself, do what everyone else is doing”.

I started asking life’s big questions. Who are we? Why are we here? What is our purpose?

And something happened. Answers started coming.

It was a slight change, barely noticeable on the human rictor scale. A shift from despair to hope.

I researched natural healing and mindset endlessly. I wanted to leave something behind.. I wanted my life to have mattered. I wanted to answer “yes” to “did I matter?”

That shift from despair to hope. From living a bullshit life to wanting to leave behind something of meaning. ‘That’ healed me. Everything heals you from a place of hope.

Things are not the same for me. I really don’t see the world the same way.

I know we (humans) get caught up in the bullshit. We get caught up in the ego, the conditioning, the automatic-habits, the stuff that has absolutely no meaning at the end of your life.

But behind that fakeness… we all deeply care about something. About each other. We want to know that we are worthy, that we mattered.

The universe clicked my reset button. The more I asked the big questions, the more amazing answers were coming. All my conditioning and beliefs were tested. I experienced some amazing things that I still can’t verbalize in words.

It’s so weird going through life seeing it from this new way. Indescribable. Uncommunicatable.

I could be completely mental. My ‘death of the old me’ experience, could be just what made me see through new crazy lenses. And I’m open to that being a possibility. Ever questioning everything that I’ve ever been told. The more it is normal, mainstream – the more I question it.

Right now, I believe we live in our own world. Each of us, experiencing our own journey. We are here to experience — “just experience”. We are here to learn and grow. Those you meet are living in their own world – experiencing their own journey. We come together to share our pieces of the experience – our perspectives. We come together to help each other grow and to share our journey. We are all teachers and we are all students. Everything is our teacher.

As I question everything.. I try on different beliefs. But I always come back to somewhere in this area – but way more ‘nutty-sounding’ when I go deeper into it, which I won’t right now – and I don’t know if it’s “right”. It just serves me the most – makes life more enjoyable.

Seeing everything as my teacher. Seeing everyone as what they are “behind their human vehicle”.. seeing the world through a different lens. We can choose how we think about things, what meaning we take from life, what way we want to live. What lens to use when we go through this rollercoaster, and this one is the most helpful because it makes life pretty easy. Right or wrong, it doesn’t seem to matter much. When you live true to your higher self, when you see all experiences that come your way as a way to help you grow, when you use negative-experiences as a way to help nudge-you in the direction of what is true to your soul, life is better, easier, deeper, and has more meaning.

When I see others who have also come to the same realization; that is my tribe. We still get caught-up in ego. We still try on different beliefs, try on different experiences… experiment with all aspects of this “human experience”. But that is part of the experience. This newness, this nowness.

Let go, Have Faith, Trust. Enjoy and Learn from the Experience. Live in the now. Be real. Be authentic. Be you. Help others. Love now. Love deeply. Forgive quickly. See everything as here to help you.

You are not promised a tomorrow, and what matters at the end of your life is not the daily bullshit we hold onto. It’s that you lived true to your soul.

I woke up with that on my mind.. now that it’s “out of me”.. I can go and enjoy my day

Penny (PennyButler.com)
Penny (PennyButler.com)

Who are we? What are we doing here? What is the meaning of life? Penny is a truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and deeper down the rabbit hole. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, whilst providing a searchable archive to easily lookup and reference.

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