[Diary] 1996 – 2000 Journal Entries

IN Morning Pages / Journal

Found a CD with a copy of my first websites. Thought I’d just copy a couple of the memories here before I destroy them in a bonfire lol.

 

Singing / Bands / Karaoke, etc. Days
      

 

IRC Thoughts – Year 2000 (age 24)

    
     

// Darkchild and I were ‘together’ if you can call it that (together without actually meeting them?!).. for a couple of years. I didn’t even see anyone in real life while we were together. Had so many plans for us. It ended by accident, someone playing a trick.. he sold his computer while he was in Kuwait, and the person who bought it, made out that he was DC’s wife for a laugh. I didn’t find it very funny, I was crushed, and by the time DC got back from Kuwait 3 months later with a new computer, I had already grieved, forgiven, and “got over” him, so he came back to me ‘not waiting’ anymore. Too hard to explain this in here. I loved him deeply, and I’m sorry about what happened, but it’s just one of those things that can’t be undone. He had a webcam so used to make me laugh with that a lot, and we mostly communicated by microphone via netmeeting, etc. Hehe.. I just remembered one time when the mic stuffed up and all I could hear was me laughing over and over again (the sound card was stuck I think?) .. it was SOOO embarrassingly funny. I still care for him a lot, my heart goes out to him every time I think about him. I hope he’s happy in his life now. Song that reminds me of DC is Around the World by Daft Punk. He was also the reason I started “trying” to learn Spanish. //

IRC Thoughts

IRC Brings the World to You, and You to the World.
We are people from Differerent Races, we are people from other Countries, we are people of different colours, we are people of different languages, we are people of different ages, we are 11 years old, we are 60 years old, we are 20 years old, we are 40 years old, we talk to people who we wouldnt talk to if we met them in “real life”, we learn from each other, we talk with people who hate us, we talk with people we hate. We are black, we are white, we are asian, we are indonesian, we are indian, we are canadian, we are french, we are swedish, we are norwegian, we are japanese, we are chinese, we are Australian, we are americans, we are caucasian, we are red, yellow, pink, brown. We have AIDS, we have Cancer, we have Herpies, we have Hepatitis, we are dying, we have Asthma, we have Diabeties, we have incurable sicknesses, we have the flu, we have a cold, we have Bronchitis. We are blind, we are deaf, we are dumb, we are spastic, we are retarded, we are disabled. We have no arms, we have no legs, we have one arm, we have one leg, we have 2 arms, we have 2 legs, we have one hand, we have two hands. We speak English, American, Australian, Spanish, Swedish, French, German, Danish, we speak all different languages.

IRC Brings the World To You, and You to the World.
We are 6 – 20 years old, we are 21 – 40 years old, we are 41 – 60 years old, we are 61 – 80 years old, we are 81-100 years old. We are millionaires, we are poor, we are famous, we are rich, we are unknown, we live in a small town, we live in a city, we live on farms, we live in the slum. We stay home a lot, we go out a lot, we never meet each other, we meet each other a lot. We go out with each other, we fall in love with each other, we hate each other, we make friends with each other. We are not racist, we teach people out of being racist. We teach people new ways of looking at life, we teach people truth, and we teach people love. We teach people computing, we teach people music, we teach people other languages, we teach people not to hate. We talk to people who can’t spell, we talk to people who can’t relate to people, we talk to happy people, we talk to people who don’t know english very well.

IRC Brings the World To You, and You to the World.
We talk to sad people, we talk to suicidal people, we talk to people addicted to drugs, we talk to people addicted to alcohol, we talk to people who aren’t addicted to anything, we talk to people in other “groups”. We are punks, we are gothics, we are yuppies, we are business people, we are lonely, we aren’t lonely, we are alone, we aren’t alone, we are parents, we are single people, we are divorced, we are married, we are defacto’s, we are seperated. We have black hair, white hair, grey hair, brown hair, blonde hair, red hair, blue hair, pink hair, green hair, yellow hair. We have big noses, we have small noses, we have big eyes, we have small eyes, we have big mouths, we have small mouths, we have big lips, we have small lips, we have beards, we have moustaches, we are balding, we are gorgeous, we are beautiful, we are ugly. We like blues, we like rock’n’roll, we like techno, we like heavy metal, we like opera, we like classical, we like 90’s music, we like 80’s music, we like 70’s music, we like 60’s music.

IRC Brings the World To You, and You to the World.
You, the media, can bring up all the bad things of IRC and spread it across the world, but it will not affect the one’s who are doing it, only the one’s who haven’t done it. You, the media, can slag off this new technology like it’s one big sex party, like it’s fake. We are all real people, we are learning from each other, and we are addicted … to the people, not to what you advertise. We; the people of IRC love each other’s minds. You portray that we all lie.. we don’t all lie. Would you lie? If you were ‘one of us’ …. you think you could get away with lying? no more so than in the real world!.. you get your lyers in ‘real life’ and you get your lyers on irc.. but Not all people in the “real world” lie, and not all people on IRC lie. It’s the same as life, only deeper, more meaningful, more honest, in my opinion. You can say what you want.. be more honest on irc than you are in real life. People get to know the “real you”, rather than that mask you give your fellow friends, family and aquaintances in “real life”. People get to know your mind, how it works, and not everyone likes it, but if they don’t like it, they live with it! The only thing seperating us on irc apart from a lot of water, is our ways of thinking. The way we portray ourselves on irc, the way we really are.

IRC Brings the World To You, and You to the World.
What could possibly be wrong with that? Maybe the politicians need to sit and chat on IRC for a while, maybe they could see that we are all fighting for the one thing, that we don’t need nor do we want wars. If persay Saddaam Housain got close to some of the people he were fighting, would he still be fighting? Who knows!. Countries don’t hate other countries, Politicians hate other Politicians? maybe? I’m not going to go to far into the war thing, in fact, I’m going to stop here.

23rd February, 2000 (Age: 24)

 
 

Teenager “slicing up my body with a razor…”

I used to like sitting by myself, slicing up my body with a razor, just the feeling of pain, and watching my body bleeding and bruising, the cuts, the holes.. it’s actually quite sickening thinking about it today, I was punishing myself for being ugly, punishing myself for my life so far, punishing myself for being sick. I wasn’t doing it for the attention, but I did need help. Thankfully, I found some positive books, which changed my life, and I wish I could tell you what books they are, I know that “You can heal your life – by Louise L Hay”, was an inspiration for me when I was younger (and still today I take it on holidays with me, and pick it up and read a few bits out of it), but I’m sure that it wasn’t that book at the time. Another good book was by Anthony Robbins or something like that, but I cannot for the life of me remember what it was called. I went through the taking drugs stage, and I was a real little shit of a kid. But compared to the stories I hear from America, my problems were nothing. I smoked only marijuana, and black hash, drank a lot of beer. Got mixed up with the wrong crowds, but loved it, and them. I thought I knew everything (as I think most teenagers do). I became a total tart, drinking, waking up regretting all the things I’d done the night before, and I still went out the next night and did it. There are many stories that I can tell you about – good stories, and bad about the people in those days.

Friday 25th June 1999 (Age: 23)

          

My life is kinda “weird” at the moment. I feel “in-between lives”, and don’t see any signs up for which path I should take. It’s getting to me a little, but I’m sure that something will come up soon.

I just got evicted from my home. After 8 years of not living with my family, I moved in with them in Melbourne when I ran from Sydney in February. But we got evicted and we will be split up again :(. The landlord’s brother needs a place to live, therefore, he will make this house his new home. Unfortunately, since I don’t work… I have no money to put in for bond, or to even make weekly rental payments here in Melbourne, although that doesn’t stop me looking anyway. No luck yet, so the only option(s) at the moment, is to move in with a friend in Ballarat for a while, save up bond, move out by myself in Ballarat, and then save up for bond to move back to Melbourne. It seems a very strange way to go about things indeed. But I have to be out within a week or two, so at present, there aren’t a lot of options for someone with no money.

It seems as though bad luck is following me. But I don’t think that this awkward time in my life will be a permanent thing. I see it as another challenge I must face, and “get through”, and I do believe I will… somehow.

I mean, I’ve been through worse. The only thing is, is that I never want to experience the past again. I don’t want to go ‘backwards’ in life, I want to move forward~!

I have spent the past couple of months thinking of nothing. I haven’t worked out what I want to do as in “career wise” whether I want to go back to computing, or hospitality, or try something new. I’ve even considered going back to school/uni, or doing my MSCE. But from all of these things, I still can’t “envision” a happy future, which is all I’m asking for. To be happy and get paid for it. So that too, I guess, will take some patience. I’m 23 years old, and hopefully have a few years left in me. We, as humans, can only hope.

Sometimes I feel so weird. Someone said to me today “I sometimes feel like the world is running without me”, and surprisingly enough, I could totally relate to that statement. I sometimes feel like I’m just watching someone else’s life, not actually participating in it. But then there are some days where I feel the pressures of living all too much. It’s hard to explain unless you feel it too.

My life now, could be summed up in one word: Existing.
That’s all I’m doing now, existing. I’m not working, and I haven’t really done much in the past few months. I know all this will change when I get work, so I’m enjoying this “existence” for as long as I can, for I know, that when I work again, I won’t be able to do this anymore.

I also started an all female Team Fortress clan. A clan is a team. Team fortress is a Quake modification. Anyway, with this clan, I have learnt about teamwork, and made quite a few friends out of it. I have spent a lot of my time doing the site, making sure it’s up to date, recruiting, training, and organising matches. It would be a full time job, but alas, unpaid. There is so much work involved in it, even though, there are so few female TF players out there. But at this point in time, it’s a pretty important part of my life, and I am giving it my all.

 

Sunday, 6th September, 1998 (Age 22)

 1998 - December KAOS Comedy Restaurant in Dural (Sydney) New South Wales. 

  
I really should keep a diary, and keep it up-to-date. It is almost bedtime (almost midnight – my deadline these days), and I really feel that I’ve missed out on recording so much of my life. So much has happened these past few months, and I haven’t written a damn thing.

My Greatest Strengths:
– Determination
– Honesty
– Belief in Myself
– Belief in Others
– Will Power
– Positive Thinker

I Deeply Enjoy Doing:
– Talking with Prue
– Internet Chat – talking with friends
– Quake (Team Fortress, or LAN)
– Learning
– Self Development
– Accomplishing things

Qualities of Character that I Admire Most About Others:
– Determination
– Positive Thinking
– Successful
– Happy
– Intelligence

Happiest Moments In My Life:
– Chatting to Friends, Being With Friends
– Camping
– IRC
– Getting a Job – being chosen / wanted

If I Had Unlimited Time & Resources:
– Travel the World
– Learn Different Languages
– Teach People to Believe in themselves

When I Daydream:
– Love, Rich, Money, Travel, Friends, Success, Flying

Most Important Things to Me:
– Becoming Debt Free and Financially Independent & In Control
– Honesty & Trust
– Love & Friendships
– Health

What I Hate In Life:
– Debts
– Backstabbers
– People who lie or cheat
– Dishonesty
– People who think they are much better than anyone else- I believe in equals
– People who let down other people constantly
– People who believe their own lies
– People who don’t learn from their mistakes
– People obsessed with looks
– People who think that you like them just cos you are nice to them (eg: People trying to make a move on you, just cos you are nice to them, or whatever, makes me ill to the stomach)
– People telling other people what they should/shouldn’t do in their lives, then do the opposite
– I hate asthma and all diseases
– I hate death
– I hate drugs
– I hate people who want to commit suicide, then I hate the one’s that actually do it
– I hate people who constantly whine about their problems and how much worse they are than everybody else – especially those one’s that treat it like a competition (eg: my leg hurts.. “really, but mine hurts more”) UGH
– I hate people who try and put down others
– I hate a lot more, but that will do for now, better off concentrating on the positives rather than the negatives

Work Life – Greatest Worth Achievements:
– Making Customers Happy (through honesty & knowledge, without making them feel stupid)
– To Make Customers Feel Right About The Choice that they make
– Product Knowledge
– To be a contributing employee to make a difference at work, to be in-disposable

Personal Life – Greatest Worth Achievements:
– Trusting Others
– People Listening to Me
– People Believing in Me
– Personal Development
– Health & Fitness
– Quitting Smoking
– Chatting to Friends all over the world (learning different cultures, making friends)
– Making a Difference in the lives of others

Talents:
– Singing
– Quick Learning
– Belief in Myself
– Loving
– Computer Skills
– Determination

Things I Should Do:
– Quit Smoking
– Lose Weight, Become Fit & Healthy
– Listen to Others
– Pay off Debts
– Buy New Clothes, Improve My Image
– Improve My Appearance (Hair, Skin, Nails, Body)
– Be a Better Sister, Daughter & Friend
– Understand other people’s opinions
– Stop Swearing

Values:
– Peace of Mind
– Good Health
– Fame, Recognition
– Close Relationships with Family & Friends
– Security
– Happiness
– Friendships
– Wealth
– Free Time
– Travel
– Sense of Accomplishment
– Respect of Others

Top 5 Values:
1. Family & Friends (social)
2. Wealth & Success (social)
3. Happiness (Mental)
4. Good Health (Physical)
5. Sense of Accomplishment (Mental)

Saturday, 12th September, 1998 (Age: 22)

Ches Goes to Hospital

Well, taking life for granted has just pulled another punch with me. I just got out of hospital. I thought I was going to die last night and it was so scary! I had another asthma attack. It was different to the normal one’s. I couldn’t do anything about it, usually I can work out a way to breathe, but it was so hard. My friend Kryten was here, and I woke him up by accident. I don’t know what it is about me, but I think it’s because I used to have attacks so much when I was little that I felt guilty for waking people up. I was scared for my life, but still thought that they should sleep.

I am shaking like a leaf, and have just got back from the chemist. I took a taxi from Monash Hospital in Clayton, to Chadstone Shopping Centre, because the hospital couldn’t supply me with Ventolin. Weird huh! A hospital without inhalers. I thought that was really stupid, considering most attacks can be fixed quicker with an inhaler than from the nebulisers. Yes, the nebulisers help – but they take longer, and wow, I guess I’m a little shocked and disappointed that they wouldn’t think to give their patients an inhaler to take home with them.

It’s difficult to know what to type, I’m just sorta babbling. I guess, well.. I’ve been putting off doing the autobiography, doing bits and pieces now and then. But today I realised again that I can go at any time, that people don’t choose when to die (unfortunately), and that it could happen any day. So I want to try and finish or do a lot more of this autobiography. Even if noone ever reads it, it’s so important to me, that I say all that I want to say.

And there is so much that I’m holding back from even typing. So many things that I really can’t put on it – just in case I live. Weird how you worry about how others might perceive you if they knew all there is to know about you. Although I have put quite a lot on here that scares me that people would find out about me, but there is so much more that I could never put down. And, thankfully, the people who I have told about the incidents, have forgotten it; simply because noone’s talked about it since, and I just know that they have forgotten, and I am glad.

While in hospital, when I was in the recovery room of the Emergency Ward, 3 people had come in due to a car accident. They were at a dance club in Melbourne. I was right opposite one of the passengers in the back seat of the car. She was covered in blood, had bruises all over her body, was wrapped up in bandages and had a neck brace on. Then there was the driver of the car, he was placed next to me. He was really drunk. I felt so sorry for the girl. The guy (driver) had a sore neck and that’s all! Isn’t it fucking typical how the passengers are always a lot worse off, even though it’s not their fault. The police came in to interview them, and his explanation of the accident was “the car spun out of control then rolled over”. How fast were you going? “I dunno, about 100kms”, Are you awake “hmmm”. He decided to play stupid (I think, anyway). He got the date and the year wrong. It sounded like he was doing it on purpose. I wanted to scream at him. What if he had killed his friends! The police interviewed the girl, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying. But I prayed that she didn’t stick up for her friend.

It reminded me I guess, of when I had my car accident. Dixie, Prue my sister, and I had a car accident a few years ago. It was the cause of me leaving school. And the cause of all my back pain now, although it has improved dramatically over the years. We stuck up for our friend and told the police that he wasn’t in the wrong. When I got out of hospital, I went for a drive with him, and he was still driving like a maniac! He didn’t’ learn his lesson, yet I still don’t have my license now. I guess the main reason why I don’t have my license now is because I’m slack and can’t afford the actual license or car, but another part of me is too scared to drive, too scared to die!

25th December, 1998 (Age:22)
lol this is so hard to read at age 41.. I’m cringing!!

 

// I met Prem over the internet and then in real life about a month later. He lived in Sydney and we had a great weekend. Then I went back to Ballarat and he used to call me 3, 4, 5 times a day and speak with me for hours. I then went up there again when Blitzz was over from America for a holiday. Then came back to Ballarat and Prem would come down to Melbourne for his work and meet me in Melbourne & Ballarat. The phone calls were still frequent and I thought we had something really special cos I was a total idiot?? I dunno. But I ended up moving to Sydney and well I found that it wasn’t exactly a 2-way thing the first night I got there. Great way to start a new life. I was 22. //

I’m having an “I hate men day”.. its official.
It’s Xmas day & I don’t understand something.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
If I’m a bitch to men…. they want me??????
If I’m nice to them.. they don’t want me????
What the fuck is with that shit!!!!

Was sorta-kinda having a relationship with this guy..He’s now supposed to be my best-friend, but there’s no way he acts that way on his behalf. He lied to me!!
He said that he was going to Perth for Xmas.. alone.. to “get away from everyone.. and everything”..
But I rang him today, wished him a Merry X-Word and asked what he’d been doing.. he said “We’ve done this, We’ve done that” and that he’s having a really good time. That’s Cool and All…… but who the FUCK is “WE !!!!!!!”
So I asked…… who’s “We”.. and he said “Trisha”.. “Didn’t I tell you about Trisha”>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I ASKED if he were going with anyone.. He said NOOOOOOOOOOO He SAID NO!!!!!!!!!! He said he was going ALONE!!!!!! Damnit.. ALONE does not mean “with Trisha”.. it means ALONE.
Anyway’s.. I asked who’s Trisha? and he said “Trisha.. from South Australia…. oh never mind, I’ll tell you later”..
I asked what he got for X-Word.. he said some Pendant type thing!! A pendant?? How serious is this TRISHA.. so then I was curious.. “So what did you get her?”.. he said Perfume!!!!!!

GRRRRRRRRRR

It makes me so angry that people can’t tell the truth, that they can leave you thinking “What you want to think” .. “just to keep you happy”.. GRRRRRRRRRRR It’s SO WRONG to do that.

I want to live my life to it’s fullest.. I want to Seize The Day! so-to-speak, so if I’m happy with someone, I don’t want to do the usual bullshit crap part about a new relationship, I want to seize the day.. if I died tomorrow, I want to of known that I died speaking my feelings, to not hide behind the bullshit of real life, to say “I like you” when I like you.. and not Hold back in case I make a fool of myself, and I want other “humans” to be the same!
Too difficult? Yep!

Way too difficult. Our culture is all weirded out, and noone really understands life, but they have all these lil rulz stuck in there.. “You have to be sure of the person you are with, that they will feel the same way as you, before you state that you like them”.. “You have to wait for them to show you love before you can love them”..all this utter CRAP!!!!!!!!
What a crock!

And the lies!!!!.. the lies.. men lie sooo much.. (woman do too, I’m not denying, but only men piss me off this much).. So why do men lie to keep me happy? Wouldn’t it be a whole lot easier to say “This is the truth.. I don’t like you.. I like someone else.. or I don’t think you are the one for me”.. so you don’t go through all the bullshit of thinking you have found the right guy.. sure, it may hurt for all but a week? But at least you can move on..
Guys LET you stay in that “state of happiness” even if they don’t like you!!.. !!?!??!?!?!?!??!
WHY!! Why bother? It SERIOUSLY is EASIER to state the truth….

Don’t you always say.. When you get dumped or whatever, but the guy says “I’m sorry, its not working out, I don’t like you the way you like me, but I still want to be friends”.. whatever the excuse.. there IS NO EASY way of telling someone that.. but when they do.. we say “shit, he’s an asshole, why doesn’t he like me……. BUT AT LEAST HE TOLD THE TRUTH”.. we actually say that and respect it!..

We say “at least he told the truth!!”.. and that gives him a Plus.. and you CAN be friends with the guy after the hurt has gone, you can!! Cos he didn’t lie!
If they lie, and you find out that he lied, then he’s a gonner.. things turn stale, things turn hurtful, and before you know it, it’s world war III.. and you and him are enemies…. and he will hate you, and you will hate him. Anyways….. X-word 1998 wasn’t very good.. but tomorrow shall be better, and the next day, and the next day… and one day, I SHALL find the guy that tells the truth, that loves me for all I am, and who doesn’t take me for granted.

// He made me forget my problems and I was truly happy when I was there and so very happy with him. When it came time for me to choose whether to stay in Sydney or go back to Melbourne, I talked about it with him. He told me that I hadn’t given Sydney a chance and gave examples to me of how I hadn’t really tried to make it work. Maybe he was right, but I felt like I just didn’t fit in with Sydney and that I didn’t really want to become a Sydney person, Sydney is too busy for me. I was so confused, a “mess” is the word I use. Anyway, he told me to write a Pro’s and Con’s list of the 2 places, and I said that he would be the only thing to keep me in Sydney. He said not to include him in the list, well when I took him out of the list, I didn’t see any reason to stay. I didn’t ‘want’ to get hurt again after just 4 months prior hurting myself with the Prem thing, so staying in Sydney for someone that didn’t want anything more ‘serious’ than sex, didn’t seem an option to me, although the thought of staying ‘just in case’ came to mind over and over again while I was making up my mind. //

November or December, 1997 (Age 21)

Ches Makes a Decision to change her unhappy life

Have you ever sat down and thought about your life.
Dreamed.
Death is so close to us all.
But we never think it’s going to happen to us.
Is that why some people are successful?
They do things now.
They don’t put off their dreams.
And what is success anyway.
Is it money, power?
Maybe success is having a dream & fulfilling it.
Maybe success is being happy.
I can’t breathe.
I’m suffocating.
And everyday, I’m looking worse.
I don’t look healthy anymore.
My skin is dry, my weight has gained.
I’m thinking all these thoughts right now.
But I can’t write them down.
Cos as I’m thinking about them, my mind goes off into detail but when I go to write it down – it’s blank, I don’t know where to begin.
It’s 2am in the morning.
I have to get up early for work tomorrow.
A job that is a good job but a job that I have to leave.
I lay here coughing.
I know my time to die is soon.
I can’t tell anyone this.
For I know they would never understand.
I’m young & I smile.
So why would I die.
I am unwell.
I am so sick.
And each day it eats away at me.
I am lonely and unsuccessful.
When I die, I want to be successful.
I don’t have time to play games with relationships.
If Darkchild doesn’t come here in January, I am going to break it off with him.
He is a great guy. I love him.
But I don’t want to go through all the bullshit that normal people go through to get what they want.
Why should I.
I am an individual. And yes I think differently to everyone else.
And although, at times, most of the time actually, I am bitchy?
Lack of understanding.
I’m going through changes.
I feel like I’m running out of time.
I have to do this all now.
I know I am broke.
Probably soon have no where cheap enough to live.
I want to do everything now.
People wait all their lives and then get to about 30 or so and go ‘Now I wasted all those years’.
I believe that if you want to do anything it has to be now.
Why do I have to live by your rules.
It is my life.
There are no rules to follow, only what you feel is right.
Some people just sit & wait for the right opportunity to come.
And others succeed in all that they want to achieve and more.
What makes the few that succeed different to the ones that don’t anyway?
How to poor people succeed.
What is the difference between us all?
Looks Thoughts Actions
We all look differently
We all think differently
We all act differently
I can succeed just by thinking the right way and acting upon it.
I wish I had a tape right now.
To tape all the 1000’s among 1000’s of things that are going through my head right now.
I am writing quickly but nowhere near quick enough to catch those thoughts.

1996 Entry (Age 20)

My father got involved in Magic. Soon after, my sister and I joined the Australian Society of Magicians, and the Magic Circle. My father still a professional magician/wizard, and also a past President of the Magic Circle. Performs as The Wizard of Odd (which kinda sums up our family “odd”).

  

My Dad as The Wizard of Odd

I’m a total wanna-be nerd now, addicted to knowledge :) First job.. a traineeship at a Hairdressers . Done heaps of sh!tty computer courses that teach you nothing. Have worked as an Attendant Carer for the disabled, which was really cool, cos I learnt communication boards, and sign language. Believe it or not, I was once a Girl Guide.. loved it, was camp patrol leader one year too, which was because of my big mouth, not because I was the best.

Worked in 5 bars/hotels/clubs, waitressing, barattending, kitchen hand and gaming cashier. Worked in a record store and a jewellery store, petrol station, door-to-door salesperson, researcher, and my last job was for a corporate computer company. Then I worked as a bartender at the Provincial Hotel, in Ballarat, where I worked for nearly 3 years. I’ve worked in computing ever since.

1994 Entry (Age 18)
I was in love with Damian (boyfriend of 7 months) the minute after I knew I couldn’t have him anymore, I wanted him back so badly, but did I really? I sleazed on him when we were fighting and that was wrong. Each time I broke it off with him, I went back to him, but the second he didn’t want me back, I wanted him, I loved him. Maybe it wasn’t love, but it was so painful. I was 18.

 

Year 11 “Left school after my sister and I had a car accident…”

Left College at Yr 11 after me and my sister having a car accident.
It was a Sunday night, and I spent a year doing physiotherapy to try and get better, but that’s another story.

September 1992 – Daniel’s Death “he died in a motorbike accident…”(Age: 16)

In September, 1992, two of our friends died, although one of them I barely knew (Matt). Daniel was one of the most popular guys’ in school, and he used to walk home with us (cathy, jodi, rosie (his girlfriend), dale, and I). It was a really, really sad time for us all. My friend was a lot closer to him than I, and Rosie was absolutely devasted. Things changed so much after that. Our friends Mick, Matt, Shep were very sad also, and it changed my views of them. Made me think long and hard about my life, and my friends lives’, and we all got very close to each other. We will always have that bond, although years have passed and our lives have gone seperate ways. It was a motorbike accident, and there were 4 people riding on 2 bikes, 2friends, 2 cousins. They were coming around the corner, and a car came around at the same time, hit the first bike, missed the 2nd bike. Matthew died instantly, Daniel living a few hours and dying in the ambulance. The ambulance took 3/4 of an hour to reach the scene as they got lost. Cathy and I used to wag school (skip school), and go down the local Electrofun (a video games place), we used to play the song Daniel by Elton John on the Jukebox over and over again, and just cry. I just got told earlier on today that Matt (not the one that died) got married a couple of weeks ago to long-time girlfriend Justine, I guess that’s what made me think to back then.

Teenage Years

Cathy, Katrina, and me – drunk in a bathtub at Kathrine’s birthday party.

1991 (Age: 15)

  

1990 (Age: 14)

1st Jan, 90
Hot Gossip was pretty cool 7/10
Jillian couldn’t come. Went with Heidi and Prue.
I was sick of it at 11:00 when it finished.

6th Jan, 90
Arrived at Pt Lonsdale beach.
Very windy. Had swim for 2 hrs. Very cold. 8/10

7th Jan, 90
I loved the movie The Delinquents. 7/10

8th Jan, 90
Went swimming with Prue at YMCA and we stayed until 5 past 6, a boy liked her.
Went to the Silvey’s we watched BIG, it ws so cool.
It’s now 11:30 and we’re back to 67 Victoria St again – I’m on holiday’s with mum. 9/10

9th Jan, 90
Went up to Rodier St to feed the animals, when I was there, my friend and dad’s work associate, Linda, was there.
I fed the animals and I bought the birds some seed. Later on, in the evening, I went swimming and took Prue with me.
Today when I was up at Rodier St, I looked in the mailbox and there was a envelope in there. Better yet, it had my name on it. I ripped it open and there it was – a postcard from dad. Pretty cool. 10/10

10th Jan, 90
There I am at Heidi’s house. I bought a book today costing $9.95 called Flowers In The Attic by Virginia Andrews, I’ve decided to collect the whole set.
Heidi and I played the computer until 10:30pm. Then Heidi read me her diary.
Now I’m gonna read my book. I’m up to page 49 at 11:20pm, page 52 at 11:30pm.

11th Jan, 90
Liz rang from the Spastic Society and said for Heidi & I to come at 11:00am instead of 10:00am and stay there until 1:00pm or a little later.
Just came back from the Spastic Society. It was pretty scary at first. I was very, very, very nervous but once I got to know the residents, I relaxed a little. There was Matthew – approx. 10yo, Leanne – approx. 17yo, Max – an adult, Kerren – he’s a mid-adult, Emma – approx. 12yo (but I thought she was 4 years old).
Conclusion – It was an interesting experience, and I still haven’t overcome my nervousness. The next time we go is Wed 17th Jan 1990.

12th Jan, 90
Went to Swaggers for tea, had roast potatoes, carrots, and beans. I also had crumbed chicken with gravy and loads of pepper and a little amount of salt, that was a great tea. Bewdaful!!
Went home and dad was on the phone to nanny, I said ‘hello’ and all that jazz and she said that she had some more tests and xrays, I don’t know exactly what’s wrong with her but I know its not cancer. When dad got off the phone he said how much he loved it up there (he wants to live up there now) He really loves it. After that, I talked about what I had been doing for the last 2 weeks. He gave me some prezzies 2 tshirts, and a sarong – cool. I really love all these presents and I’m glad dad made it back alright, also, I CAN’T FIND PUPPY – BOO HOO. I’ll look for her – a. Heidi’s house. b. Mum’s house. c. my stuff d. in Mum’s car

13th Jan, 90
Today I rang up Heidi, she said she had puppy HOORAY. Tomorrow she and I will go swimming at the YMCA and she will then give me puppy.
Guess what! This morning dad went to get some milk and Sam (our dog) was barking as loud as anything, he said for me to come outside for a sec, and when I got out there, under our truck (Mr Leadlights truck) was a cute little black with white sox puppy. He was absolutley adorable! We decided that tomorrow afternoon we will go ’round the area to see if anyone is mising him. I call him “puppy” and dad calls him “puddles” because he puddles everwhere. I emptied out my chest of drawers drawer and put in a warm sheet and a tea towel (blanki) and put him in it, I then got out an old thong and an old sneaker and wrote his name on it, after that, I got a ‘xmas deco’ ball, and gave it to him, and also a shuttlecock. He is gorgeous – I hope we can keep him! I love him! But unfortunately he will turn out to be a great big dog.

16th Jan, 90
Picked up Rebecca from Melbourne, all we could do was giggle!! We ate Kentucky for tea Bewdaful!!

18th Jan, 90
Today, I went Swimming. I’m tired, goodnight.
I went to see She Devil, it was excellent.
I yelled out “How’s that for a brown eye!!!” and everyone laughed!!

19th Jan, 90
Today was so long ago, I can’t remember.

25th Jan, 90
Yesterday dad & mum went to court and we have to put our house on the market soon. Our house is worth $95,000. Alot of money but since Prue is living with mum, she gets half of the money.

26th Jan, 90
Sometimes I won’t feel like writing alot and today is one of them.
The Spastic Society went good except for one mishap.
We went to Wendouree Lake and took 2 children (both with wheelchairs), 1 adult (with wheelchair; but electric ‘self working’) 2 adults (walking wheels).
Well anyway, at Wendouree Lake (near the kiosk) is a place where I call Fairyland.
It’s a not-so-wide track that has water “knee deep” in it. Here we were walking, and when we got to the end of the trail, I heard a loud shriek!
A cry came from one of the residents as one of her wheels fell over the sandy edge. One of the volunteers (who was also holding another chair) grabbed hold of her and so did another volunteer and helped her back on ground.
If we hadn’t of been there to assist, then she may have been electricuted or maybe have drowned, because she had a seat belt on and couldnt break free.
She was also one of those ladies who you had to force to come out, and we forced her. This would not of happened if we hadnt of forced her.
I feel sorry for her and she did too.

11 Feb, 90
I want to buy these songs:
Leave a light on for me
La Luna
I feel the earth move
Swing the mood
Please send me somebody to love
Express Yourself
Ride On Time
Don’t know much
I want that man
Pump up the jam
Love Shack
Miss you much

13th Feb, 90
I have a brace on my neck and haven’t been at school since Friday because yesterday morning, I started to brush my hair and all of a sudden I was full of pain and agony on the right side of my neck. I woke dad up still clutching my neck, he took me to St John of God, but there emergency service closed at 7am so I went to my doctor’s but he was in Buninyong, so I went to the Ballarat Base Hospital, and they gave me a brace and told me not to go to school and I had to take tablets called Valium, which make me feel really sleepy.

14th Feb, 90
For the last 2 days I’ve had a neck brace on for I had a muscle spasm on the right side, bye.
The date is 14th Feb, 1990, and it’s Valentine’s Day, Guess What!? I sent a Valentine’s Day card to Guess Who!?
Michael Paynter of Yr 11, Mt Clear.
The card says front: I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. and inside: Dear Michael, That’s all I wanted to say- Anon.

21st Feb, 90
My life runs on a timetable but I suppose that’s good in one way. Monday’s: magic circle sometimes, Tuesdays: dance class, Wednesdays: Guides, Thursdays: visit mum, Friday’s: Pennyweight Park sometimes or Homework night, Saturdays: RSPCA Op Shop, and Sunday’: friend’s place or do what I’m told to do.

 

Poetry

I believe life isn’t easy,
and that love never lasts.
And in dark clouds in Summer,
Like a spell that has cast.
You carry on with life,
And you try love again.
But you can’t control weather,
Or the evil or pain.
You try for happiness,
But a shadow covers you.
I want to be free,
Where can I run to?
Sometimes I’m up,
Sometimes I’m down.
But today is dreary,
My face, just a frown.
Well it’s hard to love,
When there’s so much to hate.
A bird without a song – me,
Tell me, is it fate?
You get on with life,
One happy song.
It’s all just one big mask,
Somethings gone wrong.

Penny (PennyButler.com)
Penny (PennyButler.com)

Who are we? What are we doing here? What is the meaning of life? Penny is a truth-seeker, ever-questioning, ever-learning, ever-researching, ever delving further and deeper down the rabbit hole. This site is a legacy of sorts, a place to collect thoughts, notes, book summaries, whilst providing a searchable archive to easily lookup and reference.

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