Was the world better because I existed?
When I was at the end of my life, in the depths of despair, sick, filled with pain, fear, worry, anger, agony.. grief-stricken. Couldn’t breathe, had so many things wrong with me physically & mentally… could barely get out of bed (& when I did, I was a zombie – staring into nothing and focused completely on all my woes). Misery was all I knew and the stress I felt in every cell was so far outside what I could handle. Suffering. Suffocation.
Day after day I lived in nothingness, just pure agony and misery… and eventually, I had got myself into a situation that I couldn’t solve. No answers came & I completely shut-down.
It took one moment… instead of fighting it one day… somewhere, somehow… in just one random moment.. I just accepted my death… and completely let go. I surrendered.
And in that moment… hundreds of things were released. I let go of my ego, I let go of all the bullshit – the money stuff, the strained relationships, the bitterness, anger, the pettiness, the judgements for myself and others, the little things that at the end of your life, when you know that you might have moments, hours, days, weeks to live.. a lifetime of “stuff” that was “in there”.. just lifted – they became ‘meaningless’.
When all the bullshit ‘ego’ stuff was gone… I grieved again. For a life wasted chasing money, for not taking care of myself, for all the years spent holding onto “what they had ‘done to me'”, for a life wasted being “too busy” – for not “smelling the roses”, and mostly for not allowing myself to be me. For wasting a life not being “Real”. For not spending time with those I loved, for not forgiving, for not embracing this human experience, for a “wasted life”.
Was the world better because I existed? No.
Did I appreciate and embrace this experience? No.
Did anyone actually know who I was? No.
There was so much in the world that I wanted to change, more meaningful things to be in “despair” about than the things I was holding onto.
I spent all that time being busy so that ultimately I could help the people I love and the people I felt called to help “… when I get rich”.. “… when I was successful”. (When all the planets are aligned? when?) And my health and relationships suffered.
I decided that no matter how much time I have left… I at least was going to try and figure out who I am, and be real, so that whatever meaningful connections I had left would at least know who I am at my funeral. I didn’t even know who I was because I had lived my life according to the “rules” – especially that big one “don’t be yourself, do what everyone else is doing”.
I started asking life’s big questions. Who are we? Why are we here? What is our purpose?
And something happened. Answers started coming.
It was a slight change, barely noticeable on the human rictor scale. A shift from despair to hope.
I researched natural healing and mindset endlessly. I wanted to leave something behind.. I wanted my life to have mattered. I wanted to answer “yes” to “did I matter?”
That shift from despair to hope. From living a bullshit life to wanting to leave behind something of meaning. ‘That’ healed me. Everything heals you from a place of hope.
Things are not the same for me. I really don’t see the world the same way.
I know we (humans) get caught up in the bullshit. We get caught up in the ego, the conditioning, the automatic-habits, the stuff that has absolutely no meaning at the end of your life.
But behind that fakeness… we all deeply care about something. About each other. We want to know that we are worthy, that we mattered.
The universe clicked my reset button. The more I asked the big questions, the more amazing answers were coming. All my conditioning and beliefs were tested. I experienced some amazing things that I still can’t verbalize in words.
It’s so weird going through life seeing it from this new way. Indescribable. Non-communicable.
I could be completely mental. My ‘death of the old me’ experience, could be just what made me see through new crazy lenses. And I’m open to that being a possibility. Ever questioning everything that I’ve ever been told. The more it is normal, mainstream – the more I question it.
Right now, I believe we live in our own world. Each of us, experiencing our own journey. We are here to experience — “just experience”. We are here to learn and grow. Those you meet are living in their own world – experiencing their own journey. We come together to share our pieces of the experience – our perspectives. We come together to help each other grow and to share our journey. We are all teachers and we are all students. Everything is our teacher.
As I question everything.. I try on different beliefs. But I always come back to somewhere in this area – but way more ‘nutty-sounding’ when I go deeper into it, which I won’t right now – and I don’t know if it’s “right”. It just serves me the most – makes life more enjoyable.
Seeing everything as my teacher. Seeing everyone as what they are “behind their human vehicle”.. seeing the world through a different lens. We can choose how we think about things, what meaning we take from life, what way we want to live. What lens to use when we go through this rollercoaster, and this one is the most helpful because it makes life pretty easy. Right or wrong, it doesn’t seem to matter much. When you live true to your higher self, when you see all experiences that come your way as a way to help you grow, when you use negative-experiences as a way to help nudge-you in the direction of what is true to your soul, life is better, easier, deeper, and has more meaning.
When I see others who have also come to the same realization; that is my tribe. We still get caught-up in ego. We still try on different beliefs, try on different experiences… experiment with all aspects of this “human experience”. But that is part of the experience. This newness, this nowness.
Let go, Have Faith, Trust. Enjoy and Learn from the Experience. Live in the now. Be real. Be authentic. Be you. Help others. Love now. Love deeply. Forgive quickly. See everything as here to help you.
You are not promised a tomorrow, and what matters at the end of your life is not the daily bullshit we hold onto. It’s that you lived true to your soul.