Sun 8th Nov 4:33pm Morning pages
Don’t actually feel like writing or have anything to say but down the park now, in a beautiful spot. Sun burning me and I thought I’d see what shows up.
I have my cards, water, book, cigs and chocolate.
I quit smoking last Monday because a guy told me I tasted disgusting. Wanted to be clean and fresh. Smoked yesterday when I was upset with same guy.
Still think of myself as a non-smoker, I’m ready to be free.
Admittedly, because I don’t think he’ll ever give me a chance to redeem myself, that he now sees me as disgusting and my self-esteem plummeted.
Yet I still feel like I’m a non-smoker that just happens to be in the death throes of the final battle with my ego and transitioning to the new chapter, my new self. My best self.
When I’m in a space of unconditional love, that’s best. When I feel ‘disgusting’ to someone I care deeply about, I also feel ugly and see all my flaws and differences my lack, my weirdness, my ‘less-than’ perfect.
Nails, hair, taste, eyes, boobs, thighs, bum, and the way I keep stepping out of normality and wondering if I’m making up all this mysterious stuff or it’s real or if life is just an illusion.
Step in, step out. Does my head in.
This world is fucked. I like my illusion better. So maybe I just stay there, right or wrong, because it feels so good.
Yesterday was a terrible day overall. Betrayal, humiliation, shame, lack, sad, mad, disappointed, judgemental, fearful.
One of my friends set me back on track though.
The one that has conquered all these fears and is living the life I desire.
I can create any life I want to have (if only I knew what it is)
I want to inspire others, but not lead them down the spiral of insanity. Which is where I feel I am when I step back and ‘logically’ look at myself.
Forget that though. Logic is for my ‘old’ ego. My “need-to-be-right” and “need-to-be-accepted-by-others” self.
Happiness is the mystery.
And when you can be free. Where anything goes. Nothing is right or wrong. You just examine and explore from where you are at. Turn off the logic turn off the repetitive thoughts that we carry through day-after-day.
And just be present. In the now.
Happiness is just being free to love. When your heart expands across the universe to the collective. And to where you are. And for the transformative journey.
Finding ways to be happy/better, regardless of the shit you’re in.
- So what does my best self look like?
- How does she spend her time?
- How is she making an impact on the world?
- What does she do for fun?
- What makes her heart soar?
- How does she want to spend her last days on this planet?
- What is important to her?
- What does she want from me?
- What is the easiest way to the life that I want, the happiest way?
- What does her best day look like?
Live the best version of you, now. Or at least, take the steps towards it.
- She wants to ease the suffering of others, but her ideas sound insane to those she wants to help (wants to be understood.)
- She wants to explore and experience more of the mysterious & divine
- She wants to celebrate and honour those in the world who are being the change, living a life out of love
- She wants to feel good. What feels good? Sharing love with others. Expanding the heart energy out to all who want to receive. And she wants to receive it. Not “needed” love, unconditional love, and want the best for others.
- She wants to take are of every cell in her body.
- She wants: good friends, laughter, belly laughs, mystery, magic, singing, dancing, freedom to let go, to make others smile and glow. To heal them from past hurts and old ideas.
- Her heart soars when she is recognized/acknowledged/appreciated. When her words help another reach a better version of themselves.
- She wants to travel in Asian countries and meet and interact and love other cultures/people. She wants world harmony.
- She wants a community of people who love and understand her.
- That all ant to “be the change” who will help raise the vibrations of the planet together. Who do not get jealous of energy about deep soul-level love. Free to love/kiss/experience the pleasures of being in human form. No games. No drama. No negativity. No wounds.
- She wants to be a lady of the world, not constrained to slavery, one place, she wants a van that is comfortable, safe, and decked out to accomplish her every need, from sex and romanticising with others, to work and a good sleep, and place to hangout whilst exploring.
Her Best Day = Follow your Bliss
- Vibing high, loving life, confident, happy, making others smile, appreciating the moment, appreciating people in my life, sharing, loving, touching, connecting, caring, inspiring, laughing, dancing, singing, holding that space of unconditional love
- Boosting people’s self-esteem, helping everyone feel good. Talking with people about love, life, uplifting, mysteries, , freedom, abundance, good in humanity, well-being.
- Help poverty, sick, homeless, depressed, fearful, vulnerable.
- My purpose is to love. My purpose is unconditional love. Live in the energy of love.
- Soul’s growth – expanding consciousness & awareness.
- To be a beacon of light, of hope, of love. To be a friend. To be a kind stranger.
- Friendship, support, relationships, fun, joy, bliss, love, purpose.
- Be passionate and motivated about something that makes you feel good to be alive. Wakeup with bounce in step and love in my heart.
- Give value.
Latest posts by Penny Butler (see all)
- Embracing “Change”, having Faith in a divine plan, Out with the old - Jun 9, 2016
- Conspiracy babble – Collective Consciousness, ET’s, Parallel Realities, Multi-Dimensional Beings - Feb 10, 2016
- Life’s Mysteries – Yay or Nay? Your Thoughts about…? [Video] - Jan 28, 2016
- Re-Integrating “Permission-Slip” Philosophy [Hangout] - Jan 12, 2016
- Full Breakdown of Mental Trauma over past few months – YouTube Therapy - Jan 5, 2016